Jessie @mommajessiec
*awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too. twitter.com/search?q=from%… United States Joined January 2018-
Tweets67K
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Followers77K
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Following6K
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Likes93K
My teen looks at me. Her sweet voice says "are you going to work today?" But her eyes say "in THAT outfit?"
The Superbowl would be a lot better if it didn't start in the middle of the night at 6:30PM.
On average it takes a mom 30 minutes of saying “we’re leaving now” to get her family to leave.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Listen, we’ve all had to compromise. I’m normally at the hardware store on this day.
Sorry about how all of our wives acted when Ludacris came out.
Today’s final score will be: Calories: 7,564 Me: 0
I hope Travis & Taylor kiss a whole bunch of times & adopt 40k puppies & turn the entire Super Bowl into a musical.
Shout out to everyone wearing new socks today.
I took the kids to the Science Center yesterday, where they picked up a hands-on lesson about the immune system.
My toddler strung four words together for the first time. He said ‘stop talking to me.’ My heart is full.
the only meal i know is christmas cookies. i don’t remember what i ate before this
I’m convinced no one actually has a place to wear any of the fancy sparkly outfits that fashion brands promote for New Year’s Eve and it’s all just a lie being pushed by Big Sequin
I’m on a break from eating. Aa-and I’m back.
Simon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezburRodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlvLady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
66K Followers 9K Following divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/0FDtG6xK4t | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/t7dCbYmwguAdam @adamgreattweet
63K Followers 3K Following Resident physician as seen on Buzzfeed and TV, RTd by Barack Obama. He/HimHenpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal
136K Followers 2K Following Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM. https://t.co/jv3VQ5CW4OThat Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal
59K Followers 986 Following Wife of a guy. Mother to spawns. Sugar glider in my bra. Parenting cautionary tale. (she/her)Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbolsixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4
116K Followers 6K Following I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids. https://t.co/m6TcvYNqfmI Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfKMarcy G @BunAndLeggings
51K Followers 2K Following parenthood is like a box of chocolates... it's expensiveKevin The Dad @kevinthedad
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27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.your other mom @difficultpatty
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69 Followers 2K Following We belong to the world 🌍 and the world 🌍 belong to us.🌹ResilientSons @ResilientSons
378 Followers 949 Following Jeff Nelligan is the father of three military officer sons. His blog and book, "Four Lessons from My Three Sons", are at https://t.co/iDQlemzI8aMartha Washington @Snagglebeans
16 Followers 206 Following I’m just back with a new account after leaving Twitter for a while for sanity reasons. Just trying to get through the 2024 election.zeinref6 @zeinref6
163 Followers 132 Followingthe tortured therapis.. @lanyswift99
2 Followers 13 FollowingSimon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezburRodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlvLady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
66K Followers 9K Following divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/0FDtG6xK4t | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/t7dCbYmwguAdam @adamgreattweet
63K Followers 3K Following Resident physician as seen on Buzzfeed and TV, RTd by Barack Obama. He/HimHenpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal
136K Followers 2K Following Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM. https://t.co/jv3VQ5CW4OThat Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal
59K Followers 986 Following Wife of a guy. Mother to spawns. Sugar glider in my bra. Parenting cautionary tale. (she/her)Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbolsixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4
116K Followers 6K Following I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids. https://t.co/m6TcvYNqfmI Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfKMarcy G @BunAndLeggings
51K Followers 2K Following parenthood is like a box of chocolates... it's expensiveKevin The Dad @kevinthedad
15K Followers 974 Following Husband. Dad. Co-creator of 2 cool kids. I write fun stories about the shenanigans I experience as a parent!mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.your other mom @difficultpatty
37K Followers 969 Following Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. https://t.co/sVPCoTC4PwAndi @smiles_and_nods
415 Followers 243 Following Andi 2.0 Lost everyone during my Twitter sabbatical. please follow again.Bubba Throckmorton IV @BubsterT4
207 Followers 140 Following Just trying to figure it all out. Term Limits FFS. https://t.co/bCIqSAoKy3shifty @makeshiftthrone
8K Followers 125 Following 27. before you dm me please know I’m painfully boring ☀️☕️LorazeKim ™ 🏴.. @_KimberleyAnna
1K Followers 918 Following Villainous, cantankerous. They call me NightHawk. I’m everywhere. I’m nowhere. If I don’t text back it’s ‘cause I’m helping Batman, baby #FuckCancerDisheveled Mom @wittysnuggles
5K Followers 6K Following Not my real name. 40s toddler mom. Unapologetically blunt relationship therapist. Featured on @MSNBC @CNN @FoxNews @SternShow @NYPost🌷 𝕥𝕚𝕥𝕤.. @good_vibes_girl
66K Followers 4K Following 🐈 spread sheet queen 📈 🚫raw dogging (oreos) 🦖reptar for life🫶🏻 “the dick a girl could get over”Deb 🌻 🟧 @DontCallMeDebby
25K Followers 19K Following Vote Blue! 💙 Lover of Nature, Twizzlers. No DMs #100DaysOfWalking #OnMyWalk #ThankYouTGLori @loribuckmajor
9K Followers 5K Following Loving wife & mom, fun friend. LOVE to laugh. Oh I'm a model and an actress, isn't everyone? sometimes I lie. Why am I always hungry?Мaмalιcιoυѕ✨ @MamaNeedsXanax
18K Followers 10K Following ѕaѕѕy wιғey+мaмa. overcaғғeιnaтed. υnderмedιcaтed. awĸward+anхιoυѕ. an ιnapproprιaтe, ѕιlly lιттle weιrdo. nѕғw. *МaмaNeedѕХanaхAndWιne on ιnѕтa*✨Nσ Oɳҽ Hҽɾҽ .. @Mrs_L_Olivier
3K Followers 4K Following Full-time Feminist…Part-time Comedy Habitué…Podcast Junkie…Gen X…Wokey Lefty Liberal…Atheist…Pro-Choice +…Specialist RN…Fan of ellipses…TORIES OUT 🤡➡️ #NHS✨Crash Unhinged💫 @Crashonomics
4K Followers 5K Following Twitter's Most Overlooked Sweetheart. Lover of music, pretty eyes, thick thighs and pumpkinsBird Eckler @Birdeckler
2K Followers 3K Following Morsels of joy, mixed with sprinkles of outrage. Results may vary.Huge Jacknuts @BreadedMark
2K Followers 5K Following Navy Vet. I bowled a 178 once. The quickest way to my heart is Frito Chili Pie… All tips go to veteran causes, meals and events. I’m @OldPizzaHuts too. Vet Rep.notacop @MatchaSmith
1K Followers 2K Following I probably banged your dad. My last twitter was better. https://t.co/aCwaMPIN3t𝐇𝐮𝐧𝐧𝐲 .. @hailtotheHunny
2K Followers 358 Following a collection of subpar tweets & low quality selfies. https://t.co/8pliRvMcqhschadenfreude74 @schadenfreude74
454 Followers 243 Following back here again, yeah yeah, I KNOW 🥍 ⚖️🌌kristina 🌌 @inurnightdress
6K Followers 5K Following Alex Turner's favorite mistress/Samuel L Jackson of moms/B's snotty little muse https://t.co/FXGDC5Fus0🩷 𝒮𝒽𝑜𝓇.. @shortstacktm
5K Followers 2K Following Who are the people in your neighborhood? Really, like who are those weirdos 🧐Coal Slag @coalslag
5K Followers 5K Following ...what part of “Flyin’ Monkey,” you no understand...?Stout_humor @HumorStout
163 Followers 231 Following Unfunny comedian 👎 | #2 Dad 🏆| Pre-Kids Traveler 🛩 | Textbook definition Wisenheimer 😏 | Future PowerBall Winner 💰| Profile pic 😎 than Real me 🤓Tori Fletcher @hellotorifletch
10K Followers 11K Following Honestly, if it were “raining men” Hallelujah wouldn’t be the word that came to mind | Part Antagonist, Part Protagonist | Usually Making Fun of my Husband🪬 NotjustanotherJo.. @bacontacooo
2K Followers 3K Following Be someone's light.a 🩵 ✊🏽/ 🔗 https://t.co/N7pf3rs4Ya #HTTCGross Ray @theheywhoha
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5K Followers 3K Following In search of logic, wit and amusement wherever it can be found... In other words, just killing time.Bryan With a Why @doublewenis
4K Followers 1K Following Stuck between wanting to be a better person and not really knowing how to steal someone’s identity.Lindy Vogel @TheLindyVogel
2K Followers 5K Following Failed model. Mom of 6. Words: @PregnantChicken @MontereyBayParent @businessinsider EiC Sweary Mommy on @Medium.Jonathan Edward Durha.. @thisone0verhere
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933 Followers 653 Following Making two tiny humans laugh one fart joke at a time.Southern Goddess (Dol.. @Dramafest420
1K Followers 5K Following #Findom Queen #FEMDOM #domme #paypigs Southern Beauty ❤️ Come worship me & serve my needs. I can only respond to DMs after tribute, my phone won't allow me.𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉.. @MoMohler
7K Followers 5K Following Rated 100% pure, grade A, American “little beef boy” by JD Power And Associates.superastrofemme @superastrofemme
3K Followers 1K Following cranky on the outside, soft and chewy on the insidejlestos @jlestos
621 Followers 614 Following decidedly NOT better than Ezra. or kale chips, for that matter. https://t.co/H0TXd97wwQ) !Bacon, Lettuce & Pota.. @DominicCaruso1
3K Followers 3K Following I was a snowball in hell. [he/him] I'm now a problem you can throw money at: https://t.co/wV6uDObiYOerica @ericanextdooor
10K Followers 9K Following making parlays & petting strays • 𝐣𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐤𝐞𝐥𝐜𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞Mish 🎗️ @Mish_K_
9K Followers 4K Following Cape Town. Former makeup artist. Sarcastic. Don’t have an inside voice. Dad jokes. Proud Zionist. עם ישראל חי. Wannabe travel blogger. 🇿🇦🇮🇱🇬🇷𝕁. @jtothet
33K Followers 8K Following 👑 of Dad Jokes. Talk nerdy to me. Punnier than most. Old soul✖️DMs🇺🇦Gnome de Guer.. @Gnome_DeGuerre
1K Followers 3K Following I enjoy overthinking and worrying about things over which I have no control. Neil Gaiman retweeted me. Formerly @ryno_san. RN. #Sober φιλόμαστος now on b skytoddallmyt @OH_GAWD_OF_FUNK
5K Followers 5K Following I don't follow people. I set traps for them and wait. Top Tweets - https://t.co/GMQAZMfoy3ɴᴏ ᴄᴜᴛs ɴ�.. @damn_elle
23K Followers 11K Following "𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘶𝘢𝘨𝘦, 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵" - 𝘛𝘶𝘱𝘢𝘤 𝘚𝘩𝘢𝘬𝘶𝘳 💛🌼 #fuckcancer@mommajessiec Or during the Grammys. In reverse though.
My teen looks at me. Her sweet voice says "are you going to work today?" But her eyes say "in THAT outfit?"
In the past month Taylor Swift has continued a world tour, won her 14th Grammy, announced her 11th new album, and watched her boyfriend play in the Super Bowl and I’ve been “getting ready to dust” for the past two weeks.
@mommajessiec Sounds right
@mommajessiec I am 44 and I only recognized Usher. 😅
Newborns cry because they're being evicted
Welcome to the future. Still no hoverboards, but here's a mattress in a box.
Sunday: calories don’t Monday: count!
The Superbowl would be a lot better if it didn't start in the middle of the night at 6:30PM.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Listen, we’ve all had to compromise. I’m normally at the hardware store on this day.
Sorry about how all of our wives acted when Ludacris came out.
Today’s final score will be: Calories: 7,564 Me: 0
I hope Travis & Taylor kiss a whole bunch of times & adopt 40k puppies & turn the entire Super Bowl into a musical.
Last weigh in of the year, but uh I lost a quick 67 lbs this year. Nbd.
@mommajessiec Its the same principle as getting two kittens instead of just one, right?