Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

Writer. Editor. Eater of green things from the ground. https://t.co/zWmEYTiCTJ abbyheugel.com Michigan Joined July 2011

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

3 days ago

I've never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that's running 15 minutes over time.

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

7 days ago

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for a cauliflower cake and reported them for harmful content.

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Lurkin' Mom @LurkAtHomeMom

7 months ago

*writes down password on a random envelope* This should be fine.

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Darla @ddsmidt

7 years ago

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better. Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

2 weeks ago

As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever. As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

2 weeks ago

My favorite part of cleaning a mini-blind is when I take it down, throw it away, and buy a new one from Walmart instead.

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

2 weeks ago

Other people: I’m really sad it’s getting dark earlier now! Me, on the couch in my pajamas at 6 pm with snacks already hibernating: Oh, yeah. Totally agree.

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Daddy Go Fish @daddygofish

8 months ago

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she's mad at me I just say "Linda wouldn't get mad about that."

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

3 weeks ago

I would pay extra for a dental hygienist who was comfortable with silence.

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

3 weeks ago

Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I'm using what's left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

3 weeks ago

When I was a kid, we didn’t have “influencers." We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a grouch that lived in a trashcan. It was a simpler time.

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Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix

3 weeks ago

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there's a pretty good chance it's coming to our house.

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

4 weeks ago

I feel like whoever named them Red Delicious apples has never actually eaten a delicious apple.

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

7 years ago

I don't require much to be happy. Six meals a day. Nine hours of sleep. A pair of yoga pants, complete solitude, and no social obligations whatsoever.

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bananafanafofisa @lisaxy424

9 years ago

"Hermit crab" describes me twice.

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Paige Kellerman @PaigeKellerman

3 years ago

In a murder mystery, I’d like to believe I’d be the detective, but in reality, I’d probably be the extra character drinking champagne in the dining room, shouting, “Isn’t this fun?” right before I got hit over the head with a candlestick.

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

a month ago

Friend: This weekend I ran a half marathon, went out to a 4-star restaurant for an anniversary dinner, and booked our trip to Paris! Me: I bought a new kitchen sponge.

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues

a month ago

Sorry I missed your call, but I had to talk on the phone two times today, so I’ve already met my yearly quota.

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Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix

4 years ago

Doctor's office: You're overdue for a physical. Me: Ok. Dr: We recommend you getting one very soon. Me: Do I have to? Dr: You really should get one ASAP. Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one. Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 8 months from now.