Emma Beasley🐝 @JustBeingEmma
My eggs are expired, I ran out of bread, my husband got fired. I wish I was dead. https://t.co/IVfhz3nNnT https://t.co/eY8BG3lLqc twitter.com/search?q=from:… The Couch Joined January 2015-
Tweets66K
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Followers14K
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Following9K
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Likes81K
Chugs a bottle of hummingbird food. (Burp) Let’s do this !!!
“I find you less annoying than most people” ~me, flirting
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
“treat culture has gotten out of hand” sounds like someone doesn’t get enough treats
New mom: any advice? Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps Mom 2: eat when the baby eats Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
The sexual tension between me and eating my lunch before 11am
Sorry I was late I was refilling my purse Ibuprofen with my bathroom Ibuprofen.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder. Me: There's nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Single guys group chat: "Where da party at this weekend?" Dads group chat: "That frozen cauliflower crust pizza from Costco is da bomb".
I watched a girl on TikTok say her “hack” was that Pop Tarts have two so you can eat one while the other was in the toaster and I was like, bitch, that’s no “hack” that’s just Pop Tarts
My laptop: *cannot find printer* Me: *gesturing* look it's right there
4: When I'm big I want to be an animal doctor. Me: Oh, lovely, a vet? 4: No. A fox.
Back in the day carrying a briefcase meant you were an executive or that you rented a VCR.
I think I'm starting to smell old.
I think if I can put a whole cookie in my mouth at once, there aren't as many calories. Please don't correct me.
If your house is too clean, you're not watching enough soap operas. Where else can you get wisdom like this?
[9yo won’t eat her Nutella bagel for breakfast] Me: You’re the only person in the world that doesn’t eat Nutella! 9yo: How would know that? Me: I know everything. 9yo: Who sang the first song in the world? Me:
No cure for constipation quite like sitting at my computer.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbolRodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlvTony P. @Tbone7219
43K Followers 19K FollowingDan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVphReal Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfKsixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link belowStabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat
61K Followers 4K Following murder and cake. https://t.co/O1Sm1XVNmonice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonzI Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsndNicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 942 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohjMcDad @mcdadstuff
9K Followers 2K Following I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. https://t.co/bbtLUiYKKg Find more of my tweets here ⬇️A Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My posts in this link ⬇️tina peters @tina1peters
449 Followers 2K FollowingIan Forman @ianforman8
877 Followers 3K FollowingEsther John @esther_joh31217
6 Followers 152 FollowingVintage Vibes @vintage_vibes24
679 Followers 2K Following Nostalgic soul. Obsessed with vintage advertisements, thrift shopping, NFL Football, Fitness and Coffee. #FlyEaglesFly #coffee #vintageSherry @MsRedWriting
17K Followers 17K Following Life experienced, people passionate, world weary, writer, eccentric, hater of injustice and in need of a good makeover :-)Jim @wambuijim
25 Followers 921 FollowingStesmo @Stesmo141029
18 Followers 2K FollowingSodapop Stardust @sodapopstardust
102 Followers 259 Following Never let anyone know what you're truly capable of. Being underestimated gives you a tremendous advantage. Having knowledge does not excuse you from hard work.Ruby Tuesday @KarenPenny1967
215 Followers 932 FollowingSam @333666bbb
7K Followers 6K Following A quiet man with the loudest fucking mind. 2nd account @3366bbReduxed to Tears @tutbon
3K Followers 3K Following Not what you thought it would be living in your own private cognitive dissonance https://t.co/ehrqvGenlPMohd. Imran (乇мմ�.. @TheSoulfulEMU
125K Followers 128K Following #BeingEMU 🔮 Digital Media & Brand Consultant 🧰 Certified Life Purpose #LifeCoach 🧠 Peacemaker 🕊 Awake 👁 Introvert ☯️ Founder & CEO @BIZBoost & @BTweeps_ 🚀Smiling Chimp @Smiling_Chimp
512 Followers 5K Following I have this shit eating grin on my face but no-one is smiling with me. I'm only 13% of the population & crying for all the attention. Heading back to Africa..Gwen @Gwen1138594372
6 Followers 98 FollowingJay Murphy @Murphy2Jay
1K Followers 3K Following Boxing. Auburn Tiger and Pittsburgh Steeler fan. Jay from South Carolina on Finebaum. If ya know, ya know.X-NotMyName @Whisssstler1
1K Followers 4K FollowingGerardbutler Jerry @Gerardbutl86727
162 Followers 2K FollowingDhanjyoti Barman @DhanjyotiBarma3
411 Followers 8K Following Dhanjyoti Barman from Pathsala! [email protected] it's my hangout emailAmelia Williams @MiaMia4256
101 Followers 317 Following I’m from New Mexico.I moved to LAS VEGAS 40 years ago!!!Colin Gething @colingething
3K Followers 5K Following If you think about it, everything in the world is either a potato or not a potato! These are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.sup @sup60949794
298 Followers 887 Followingus_Rebecca_ @UsRebecca31990
21 Followers 2K FollowingHakekky2.0 @hakekky2
720 Followers 6K FollowingKelley Belle @Hells75Belle
17K Followers 2K Following I’m likeHeather Graham DID all that porn in Boogie Nights. Named for a Charlie’s Angel. 4th grade spelling bee runner-up. Spicy disaster. GO BLUE 〽️in all waysSephid @Sephid231719
33 Followers 2K FollowingXRPLion1 -(BACKUP ACC.. @LionDavid21635
3K Followers 3K Following son of the Most High Living God,cousin w/WD GANN: Sacred Math RSR 37 yrs,Philomath,14th Gen Am. Chairman &founder,Humanitarian Trust Compliance Services™🌵Prickly Persona �.. @FoTweetsSake
764 Followers 753 Following I is a black man and I alsos be white.Kesha Hanry @HanryKesha
1K Followers 5K FollowingMisael Novoa @MisaelNovoa1
422 Followers 7K Following #WeWantCody #CodyFinishTheStory #CodyMania #WrestleMania #NewwweCHAMPION IST TIME FOR CODY RHODES THIS WM40 NOW the new el START ON WM40♡ Eve ♡ @evecullen610
29K Followers 9K Following gently, touch me with your words (my tweets...my words)© •she/her• #oneforeverRoxy @Roxy1052287
50 Followers 632 FollowingChusuuz @BlogaFlani
5K Followers 5K Following Tech|| Arsenal || A&R || Chess || A beverage inducer and practitioner || #BTC🐰🌺🌷loulouvoi.. @loulouvoices
2K Followers 5K Following happily married mummie, chairs several hallucinatory committees, NO DM'S, NO LISTS. Thank u. 😀Island Dave @Island__Dave
92 Followers 55 Following Full time equities and futures trader and student of the market, entrepreneur, musician and self proclaimed nice guy.Ian Speed @IanSpeed2
2K Followers 3K Followingawfulperson69 @thugaliciousmom
544 Followers 2K Following 30 something mom lover of all things buttercream.ForuMMail @ForumMail88
3K Followers 5K Following The taste of life is with respect and tolerance. Show this to people, animals, all living things.Scottyrotten2006 @Scottyrotten201
1K Followers 2K Following 3 time cancer survivor. Happily married to the best woman in the world . Fuck MAGA and all GOP !! FUCK CANCER !!!!! 🇨🇱✌️🤟🫶P.S . I'm nobody.Jess Leigh🔪❣️ @Softapocalypses
19K Followers 8K Following unhinged poet who shit posts from the ethereal plane. sex and body positive. 40s, she/her. married. 🔞happy typo bandit.Tateseat @tateseat32547
43 Followers 2K FollowingGina Ruiz @GinaRuiz724131
7 Followers 167 Following 🍯Dulce como la miel pero picante como la abeja 🐝 🌴 Amante de la aventura y la naturaleza 🌴Yavanna @yvonne_rr
325 Followers 2K Following maker of things, lover of nature, geek, and animals. she/her. fully vaccinatedRedkat5000 @Redkat5000
113 Followers 485 FollowingJessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbolRodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlvTony P. @Tbone7219
43K Followers 19K FollowingDan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVphReal Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfKSneezingWithWetMascar.. @WetMascara
20K Followers 2K Following Yes, THAT Thanksgiving tweet. My Faves: https://t.co/90HdOEinlH Recent Tweets in Link Below.sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link belowStabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat
61K Followers 4K Following murder and cake. https://t.co/O1Sm1XVNmonice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonzI Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsndNicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 942 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohjMcDad @mcdadstuff
9K Followers 2K Following I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. https://t.co/bbtLUiYKKg Find more of my tweets here ⬇️A Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My posts in this link ⬇️Sarah Torribio @Sarah60573511
1K Followers 4K Following writer, musician, artist, mom and Morrissey stan.Micheal Maybe @MichealElliott
1K Followers 1K Following Ordained Beach Bum with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, living the dream with my wife, our revolutionary 7 yr old daughter + a clingy Dalmatian.Aidy @NightsWithAidy
217 Followers 362 Following Everybody loves an independent woman until they want to tell her what to do. Get in, loser. We're taking this clown show on the road.Mandy-lou 🌹 @MLG4774
1K Followers 4K Following Ask before dm's or 🚫 NOThere for bullshit I will call you out ! Apparently, I'm awkward , annoying, and loveable . tbh true but can be a cock #cptsd 🤷 😜 😏Shreya @Shreya_teee
3K Followers 3K Following Be your own sunshine.. Globetrotter || Reader || Nature lover || 🏳️🌈🌈Lil Miss Snarkey Pant.. @Ris622
2K Followers 5K Following It doesn't matter how much antibacterial soap you use - the shame doesn't scrub off. Lawyer by trade, Batman when summoned.Pinky @Ericcannavet
6K Followers 7K Following Disabled Veteran, Cancer survivor. Organic Cannabis connoisseur.#freeseeds4Vets @marshydrolight @staubingenetics Mars Hydro website 3% discount code: PINKYParenting Presently (.. @presentparent_
2K Followers 512 Following Best parenting hack = laughter | As seen on @BuzzFeed @HuffPost & more | 🐦 Greatest hits ⬇️not the right demogra.. @wrongvariable
346 Followers 1K FollowingHorace Speaks @Graaakgraaak
219 Followers 313 Following King of birdie stink eye.I have a lot to say(squawk).Progressive,save my tree.Back up to my back up.Retired RN-ICU/CCU/ER🐼Luke Beasley @lukepbeasley
42K Followers 125 Following progressive political commentator | The Luke Beasley Show | check out the show on YouTubeLucky ⭐️ @DoubleA33
45K Followers 9K Following former troublemaker trapped inside a professional nerdSusan ☮️💙🗣�.. @susankay3333
9K Followers 9K Following Vote Blue all the way! Democracy depends on it. Yes,woke. Former teacher, strong advocate for kids, education. AR-15 is a weapon of war. KC CHIEFS! Mahomes!🚫DMLee Zimmerman 🌊 @zim2918
81K Followers 78K Following SPIN Distinguished Silk Artist, PhD, all artwork presented here is my own. PLEASE FOLLOW ME AT @zim2918arteinzelgaengerin @solitariaistda
3K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/uuLfi3ju1H Pix & texts=mine unless RTs NO DMs, NO List.Jonathan Zavou 🎨�.. @jonz444
1K Followers 2K Following Artist/Illustrator/Photographer; cynic; atheist; trivia; rugby union; beer; dogs; UK🇬🇧/NZ🇳🇿; happily married. My art: @zavoua ; My photography: @zavouphoto🇺🇦Gnome de Guer.. @Gnome_DeGuerre
1K Followers 3K Following I enjoy overthinking and worrying about things over which I have no control. Neil Gaiman retweeted me. Formerly @ryno_san. RN. #Sober φιλόμαστος now on b skySwedish Sweetie @swedishsweets99
45K Followers 1K Following She had this weird habit of being herself all the time, that's why not everyone likes her ❤ https://t.co/edU4yGApAaCashewQueso @cashew_queso
755 Followers 724 Following On today’s episode of I have no idea what I’m doing… https://t.co/p2R6kolXhTEmma Scott @EmmaScott
14K Followers 12K Following Costume designer, bacon connoisseur, news junkie, foul-mouthed hockey fanatic, altruist, lover-of-naps, & dirty hippie. Preferred pronoun: y'all.KarenCehulicEichinger @EichingerKaren
1K Followers 2K Following Wife,Mom,Grandma,pet mom,Triple Negative Breast Cancer Survivor, Fibromyalgia, Metal, Horror movies. 59 y.o. Married 32 years. 🎃Leilah @Lei82021
2K Followers 3K Following here for the laughs, nature and occasional sparks of wisdom 🌸 https://t.co/qPq10x5EjiPickyPelican @SunningSand
233 Followers 151 Following Picky Pelicans Pick Prickers off the Feathers of their Friends. Black licorice, sci-fi, nature, cats, kindness.Emily White @lady_sasquatch
676 Followers 1K Following Author of Fast Girls (Scribner). You Will Make Money In Your Sleep (Scribner, too). Early editor of the Stranger. Articles in NYTimes Mag etc.🎄🌹 ᏟᏂᴦi�.. @Daaeismyname
6K Followers 6K Following 🕯✍️ Past the point of no return, the angels make the music of the nightFavorite Gramma Jami @FavGrammaJami
772 Followers 3K Following WEAR A MASK YOU FOOLS! Vaccinated because I'm not stupid. Retired. My grandkids are fabulous. I'm here for the laughs. Vote blue or we're all screwed.No Fox Given | s_crow.. @scow3000
2K Followers 5K Following biofilm | putting the cog in the nito | opinions not necessarily those of my employer | self-employedMina Carroll @CarrollMin82867
6K Followers 6K Following I'm an immortal who first opened their eyes in 1864 .I've lived many lives since . at the moment I'm the cat lady who lives quietly and alone in her cottage.the Mom TruthBomb @momTruthBomb
7K Followers 1K Following Being a Mom is unbelievably rewarding, except for when it makes you want to sob uncontrollably. https://t.co/wzrOWbeSRucathy emily @roguegal
119 Followers 466 FollowingAaron @jerkfacedog
307 Followers 2K Following Bland takes on television, politics, Iowa Hawkeyes, Oakland A's, and Oxford commas.Magically Mental @MentallyMagical
191 Followers 230 Following Lost my 2014 account. Starting over in more ways than one.Bella 🌺🏖 @BellaBeBeaching
1K Followers 1K Following Somewhere between heaven and hell I found myself.Sahana @Yessrao
242 Followers 141 Following just “follow” a few|OBSESSED with Tennis (Federer🤔🤷♀️😁 | Yoga lover | Alpinist 🤷♀️|Teach French & English 🙄Thomas Newman @ThomasNewman
1K Followers 945 Following Not the Grammy winning soundtrack composer. Christian. Liberal. KY Colonel. Dad. Husband.DorkNBeans_ @DorkNBeans_
580 Followers 578 Following I'm supposed to put something short and witty here, but i couldn't find a funny little person to preserve in carbonite.Cute, funny and cleve.. @girlsalwaysbest
160 Followers 146 Following Anti-racist (not a parody). Black lives matter.Stephen Lee @StephenBaeFleek
752 Followers 306 Following Still a rich, tall, famous, good looking, funny liar, but now with a little accountdumb people at the ba.. @dumbBANKY
94 Followers 96 FollowingThoughts On Mom @ThoughtsOnMom1
557 Followers 1K Following Real life mom doing a parody of a mom who knows what she is doing.Carol @caroljdonaldson
362 Followers 212 Followingdianarama @dirtybirdie_
2K Followers 3K Following I enjoy really smart folks with really dumb jokes. In like 4 gangs. Funk Soldier. Cat lady. #IStillOwnStupidHashtags. Ex-Seattleite. Blocked by Rudy Giuliani.gravity.pop @poppinggravity
5K Followers 4K Following Just osmosis. Falling upwards not down. Catch me if you can. Sky’s no limit. 🇦🇺Chugs a bottle of hummingbird food. (Burp) Let’s do this !!!
“I find you less annoying than most people” ~me, flirting
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
“treat culture has gotten out of hand” sounds like someone doesn’t get enough treats
New mom: any advice? Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps Mom 2: eat when the baby eats Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
The sexual tension between me and eating my lunch before 11am
Sorry I was late I was refilling my purse Ibuprofen with my bathroom Ibuprofen.
Single guys group chat: "Where da party at this weekend?" Dads group chat: "That frozen cauliflower crust pizza from Costco is da bomb".
I watched a girl on TikTok say her “hack” was that Pop Tarts have two so you can eat one while the other was in the toaster and I was like, bitch, that’s no “hack” that’s just Pop Tarts
My laptop: *cannot find printer* Me: *gesturing* look it's right there
4: When I'm big I want to be an animal doctor. Me: Oh, lovely, a vet? 4: No. A fox.
Back in the day carrying a briefcase meant you were an executive or that you rented a VCR.
I think if I can put a whole cookie in my mouth at once, there aren't as many calories. Please don't correct me.
@JustBeingEmma My favorite too, dear!!! But it’s the hardest, as my yoga teacher says!! It’s hard to stay still 🤣
[9yo won’t eat her Nutella bagel for breakfast] Me: You’re the only person in the world that doesn’t eat Nutella! 9yo: How would know that? Me: I know everything. 9yo: Who sang the first song in the world? Me:
No cure for constipation quite like sitting at my computer.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet