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Tweets298K
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Followers26K
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Following9K
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Likes324K
Crac⚡ked retweeted
Feeling loved, respected, and appreciated without having to beg or plead for it is top tier. If I don't get what I give, I stop talking and start feeling like a bother rather than a person of value.
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Crac⚡ked retweeted
They worried about global warming then they clearly haven't experienced the heat between a women's thighs.
Crac⚡ked retweeted
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Crac⚡ked retweeted
Listen, I didn’t expect to know me either
Crac⚡ked retweeted
Make his credit card tell him what you can’t.
Crac⚡ked retweeted
mom said it's my turn with the internal suffering
Two Bluesky codes and $10 will get you a venti at Starbucks
an orgasm is an energetic spark that once ignited and kept alive intensely enough for as long as needed explodes into the most beautiful lightness of being my wife: i wouldn’t know
Crac⚡ked retweeted
Commas in numbers are more important than commas in sentences. There, I said it.
Crac⚡ked retweeted
I’m an accountant; I work with numbers not words. I EAT LETTERS FOR BREAKFAST! *pours a bowl of Alpha-Bits cereal*
Crac⚡ked retweeted
The best thing about being an accountant is getting jiggy with the numbers...
Crac⚡ked retweeted
I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. Could you repeat everything you said to me in the last three years?
Crac⚡ked retweeted
You can’t hurt me you’re not how I feel
Crac⚡ked retweeted
“Not tonight dear, I’ve got a haddock.”
Crac⚡ked retweeted
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it's just awkward beatboxing. You're welcome.
Crac⚡ked retweeted
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Crac⚡ked retweeted
If you're looking for a bad boy, I once didn't put my shopping cart back in its designed area.
Crac⚡ked retweeted
Cashiers are always checking me out
Crac⚡ked retweeted
Took a two hour nap and now I don't know which year it is or which state I'm in
Crac⚡ked retweeted
sorry if i’m awkward i’m trying to straddle the line between hot crazy and restraining order crazy
Tony P. @Tbone7219
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85K Followers 46K Following Army Veteran, atheist, here to share some laughs, it's the universal language I ❤️Animals #supportmentalhealth squirrel mama ,wildlife rescue 🔥Memphis🔥
inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa
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Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsnd
Granite Man 🏴�.. @GraniteDhuine
18K Followers 5K Following The unacceptable face of Scottish Twitter. Whisky drinker, kilt wearer, sweary AF.
Benny 'Bluesky' Rolli.. @citizenkawala
21K Followers 8K Following Australian Jim Morrison | Real person | Dave's mate | 1053 https://t.co/PN73YRdrct
nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
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30K Followers 6K Following My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band. https://t.co/JhWCxIXYbK
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Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
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StinkyRude @StinkyRude
227 Followers 735 Following@a_simpl_man @TheMysteryMan46 This still cracks me up, K🖤
Feeling loved, respected, and appreciated without having to beg or plead for it is top tier. If I don't get what I give, I stop talking and start feeling like a bother rather than a person of value.
They worried about global warming then they clearly haven't experienced the heat between a women's thighs.
@a_simpl_man most welcome, hope you enjoyed your day.
@youjustroll @a_simpl_man Happy Birthday !!🎈🎂🎁
@youjustroll @a_simpl_man Happiest of birthdays 🎂🎈🥰 I Hope your family spoils you good.
please join me in wishing @a_simpl_man a happy birthday.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know I will face it with grit and grace.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Make his credit card tell him what you can’t.
There wasn’t any room in the fridge so I had to eat the whole cake.
It’s officially the 21st night of September, so don’t forget to leave out milk and cookies for Earth, Wind & Fire.
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