Daddy Go Fish @daddygofish
Warning: alcohol leads to kids leads to lots more alcohol. twitter.com/search?q=(from… Joined January 2021-
Tweets45K
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Followers8K
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Following3K
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Likes54K
We found out these kids were going through 2 gallons of milk in LESS than a week. 14 would make cereal in a mixer bowl! Needless to say we're chilling on buying cereal because what the actual hell I'm not a millionaire.
me: good morning 8yo: *angry velociraptor noises*
They need to invent a good breakfast soup.
My kid forgot she wanted to sleep with me while dad’s out of town, so I slept alone. In the middle of the bed. And you know what? Having the bed to myself is as glorious as everyone says it is.
Overheard this guy say “you, too” to the waitress after she said “thank you,” and now I’m bonded to this random guy because we’ll both be reliving this awkward moment at 3am when the anxiety wakes us up.
Good news: I barely grow hair on my body in my 40’s. Bad news: Except on my ankles I’m like a sexy Clydesdale.
I was having a great day until I decided to use the video camera on my phone to check the top of my head because my hair has been feeling thin and let’s just say I’m now depressed.
I thought I needed therapy, but then I listened to 20 one-hit wonders from the 90s and now I'm fine.
Need to change the fridge water filter, so I’m doing the responsible thing and drinking wine instead
Live it up young people, because one day you'll have a favorite cashier at the grocery store.
My daughter was upset and told me not to make her feel better so I respected her wishes and made her a brussel sprout smoothie.
Sorry, can’t. I’m recording my kid telling a story so I can use it to fall asleep tonight.
my wife just came in, grabbed a wine glass and filled it with whiskey and walked off. I feel that.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!” Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside. I guess I have to move now.
Sometimes I still think about the best yelp review I ever saw that just said "the two bedroom apartments have two bedrooms"
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My husband went to the craft store with my kid and brought home three containers of glitter, in case you’re wondering why I changed the locks
I never thought getting up from the couch to go to bed would be part of my heroic journey, but here we are.
the mission isn’t impossible if tom cruise has done eight already.
An erotic calendar, but it’s just a series of 12 dads drinking a beer alone while waiting for their takeout order to bring back to their family.
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
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nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
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We found out these kids were going through 2 gallons of milk in LESS than a week. 14 would make cereal in a mixer bowl! Needless to say we're chilling on buying cereal because what the actual hell I'm not a millionaire.
My kid forgot she wanted to sleep with me while dad’s out of town, so I slept alone. In the middle of the bed. And you know what? Having the bed to myself is as glorious as everyone says it is.
Overheard this guy say “you, too” to the waitress after she said “thank you,” and now I’m bonded to this random guy because we’ll both be reliving this awkward moment at 3am when the anxiety wakes us up.
Good news: I barely grow hair on my body in my 40’s. Bad news: Except on my ankles I’m like a sexy Clydesdale.
I was having a great day until I decided to use the video camera on my phone to check the top of my head because my hair has been feeling thin and let’s just say I’m now depressed.
I thought I needed therapy, but then I listened to 20 one-hit wonders from the 90s and now I'm fine.
Need to change the fridge water filter, so I’m doing the responsible thing and drinking wine instead
Live it up young people, because one day you'll have a favorite cashier at the grocery store.
My daughter was upset and told me not to make her feel better so I respected her wishes and made her a brussel sprout smoothie.
Sorry, can’t. I’m recording my kid telling a story so I can use it to fall asleep tonight.
my wife just came in, grabbed a wine glass and filled it with whiskey and walked off. I feel that.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!” Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside. I guess I have to move now.
Sometimes I still think about the best yelp review I ever saw that just said "the two bedroom apartments have two bedrooms"
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My husband went to the craft store with my kid and brought home three containers of glitter, in case you’re wondering why I changed the locks
I never thought getting up from the couch to go to bed would be part of my heroic journey, but here we are.
@daddygofish @greek_heanen Recorder (with their noses). One trumpet. One saxophone.
the mission isn’t impossible if tom cruise has done eight already.
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