Laura Marie @lmegordon
I'm a mom, a nationally-ranked complainer, and an aspiring novelist. twitter.com/search?q=from%… Missouri, USA Joined November 2013-
Tweets95K
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Followers25K
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Following2K
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Likes185K
Laura Marie retweeted
Be careful when assigning motives to others. Halo effect is very real. The people you dislike aren't always wrong, and your friends aren't always saints.
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Laura Marie retweeted
Imagine falling in love and then finding out they open the microwave before it finishes.
Laura Marie retweeted
I never let people see the jar of bacon grease on my counter because it's too sexy for most people to even handle.
Laura Marie retweeted
Shoutout to the sports parents who spent hundreds of dollars for this weekend’s tournament and will now also pay a gate fee to watch it.
Laura Marie retweeted
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be men that wear shark tooth necklaces in their 40's.
Laura Marie retweeted
How many bags of M&M’s is it ok to eat in one night. Is it eight, I’m pretty sure it’s eight.
Laura Marie retweeted
I was bored so I gave all of our furniture names. It was nice sitting with Keith the sofa.
Laura Marie retweeted
I can't do my job without immunity, either.
Laura Marie retweeted
I saw Carol Burnett trending and thought it was her turn with Pete Davidson.
Laura Marie retweeted
Me at 1pm: I have so much self control, this diet is gonna be easy Me at 1am: crap, I ate all the candy again
Laura Marie retweeted
If you’re over 40 and think people your age look old I have some devastating news for you.
Laura Marie retweeted
Women: Just try not to be a piece of shit. And maybe smell good? Men: Oh, so we have to be 6’5? We have to make $500k a year? We have to have been D1 athletes? Have 6-pack abs? Women: Just be normal. We’re negotiable on the smelling good. Men: Women don’t know what they want!
Laura Marie retweeted
I'm not mentally healthy, but I can hold my breath for 70 seconds and write the alphabet with my tongue. In cursive. In 5 languages.
Laura Marie retweeted
You can't blame video games for what kids do. In the 80s I never had the urge to roll barrels at Italian plumbers.
Laura Marie retweeted
My kid said she can’t wait till she’s an adult and can eat chips for dinner, and I’m just happy she has some goals.
Laura Marie retweeted
My daughter took the bar exam in a second state and just found out she passed. She has court at 3pm so I volunteered to stand in for her so she could go celebrate. She said, “Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t want the judge to think I’m unserious.” So anyway, I’m on my 2nd champagne.
"Fed is best," I whisper under my breath as I order Domino's for the second time this week.
Laura Marie retweeted
Friend: How was your job interview? Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Laura Marie retweeted
My mental health has improved greatly over the last week. No, I’m not taking medication, I just stopped reading the comments on Facebook.
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Life after 40… 50…
🤣😂🤣😂👏👏👏👏
Everyone that has done this is either dead or will die someday. FACT
@lmegordon Same with Arby’s, but without the “after 40” qualifier.
@lmegordon I was already not eating dominoes so I’m am 100% in compliance with your request.
@lmegordon Yeah, but they have a great slogan!
@lmegordon i have a caste iron stomach, dominos doesn't even start to phase me. The only thing that gets me is eating anything pickled after 6pm.
@lmegordon @rn_murse I looooooove dominos. also, I only get thin crust with green peppers so maybe that’s why my IBS fickle stomach will behave when I eat it??
Can we all agree that it is the worst pizza chain?
@lmegordon I hate pizza. And I only eat it if I have no option and that is the fastest thing available. I eat it once a quarter maybe, 4 pizzas a year is all people should be having.
@lmegordon Change that to at all and you’re good.
You misspelled Pizza Hut, that shit doesn't digest.
@lmegordon The only chain pizza place that fucks is @JetsPizza It’s amazing
Haven’t tried it yet 🤔
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