Ninja Dad @ninjadadofone
Dad. Bourbon Drinker. Guitar Player. Professional Procrastinator. twitter.com/search?q=(from… Joined September 2023-
Tweets2K
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Followers1K
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Following577
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Likes31K
Welcome to your 40s. Having to pee at 4am means you’re now awake for the day at 4am.
I feel like there’d be a lot less murder in our house if they were called “Mommy Long Legs”.
My internal alarm clock is just me being woken up out of a dead sleep bc I have to pee.
If you sleep wrong and your neck hurts all day, everyone has to know about it.
In case you wondered if having a "rival dad next door" is a real thing - I mowed yesterday and half way thru, rival dad next door started mowing. That bastard literally mowed 2 days ago. So yes. It's real.
It’s a new day, everyone! Let’s make the best of it and go back to bed.
Aries: It may feel like the universe is out to get you this week, but that’s only because it is.
The fun thing about having kids is you get to relive all your childhood illnesses from strep throat to athletes foot
I'm thinking of putting my will to live in a bag of rice overnight.
People just don’t appreciate sarcasm like they used to.
at least let them know that they are not as forgettable as your silence is making them feel.
Why would anyone drink decaf coffee when real coffee exists.
I’ve been sending my husband some of my best jokes and he isn’t laughing at any of them. This is garbage.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they can fall asleep right away.
I don’t know why they call it rush hour traffic when there’s traffic every minute of every day, everywhere you go.
Unpopular opinion: True Bloods had a chance to be the best show ever
Can we just admit that the trend of videoing yourself crying or having a breakdown is fucking weird?
You’re 45 stop giving yourself nicknames.
Aileen @TheodoraKa65322
54 Followers 402 Following I want to find a rich friend who has enough money to come to my country to meet me, or to travel with me.
Christine @gotoukazue38751
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Reduxed to Tears @tutbon
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Shinjini Das @SpeakerShinjini
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bipolar bear @BipolarBearDick
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Doc Johnny Fever🎙 @NikiMarinis
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🌻Heather🌻 @BoobsNAnxiety
12K Followers 11K Following #NSFW! 🚫Minors. 420💨 Married to @chrisismyname87💍#NFL #CowboysNation⭐ #ChiefsKingdom 🏈🚫DM #WWE #RKO #Rhea💪I repost A LOT! #Taurus ♉ #Liberal🌊
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Miss A. @simplya00
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Adult @Adult
23K Followers 8K Following The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything. - Albert Einstein.
JeffSC @liberalismONCMD
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☆Stacey☆ @StaceyB_1980
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Petergreight ! @petergreight
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Miss Kitty Katz 🏳�.. @MissKittyKatz
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Valley Bob @valley_bob
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ANAÏS NINJA @michikoconuts
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Tattletale Times @TattletaleTimes
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Ann-Kathrin @art_ann_kathrin
920 Followers 1K Following artworks and prints (worldwide shipping 🌍 🕊️) https://t.co/pNLQHMPbiS https://t.co/pyqSG0zIlU
Shauna Louise @shauna_1972
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Wickedest Divinity @FuukTwitar
6K Followers 3K Following Dusky-haired Lady Satan ~ Sweetly Rotten ~ Servant of Evil ~ Sleepiest WOKE bitch you'll ever meet NO MAGA. No. Never. Please don't follow me I don't like you.
TK @BlueJaysJinx19
18 Followers 251 Following I spend on average $400 a year to watch avocados go bad. Best friend to Jinx the Mini Australian Shep-nerd.
ᒪᗴ丅 丅ᕼᗴ �.. @000Authentic
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vision bored @visionbored2
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Yontim @yontimmusic
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Natasha Carter @NatashaCL7
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Exercisequeen60 @exercisequeen60
67 Followers 330 Following work outs 🏋🏼♀️/ healthy eating / coffee ☕️ & wine 🍷 lover /football fan / love 2 inspire ♥️/ bikini n lingerie lover /60 years young/ cali girl
Swimmy BoutDaCheck @teddyswims
28K Followers 460 Following “I’ve Tried Everything But Therapy (Pt. 1.5)” Out Now
Reduxed to Tears @tutbon
3K Followers 3K Following Not what you thought it would be living in your own private cognitive dissonance https://t.co/ehrqvGenlP
Shinjini Das @SpeakerShinjini
248K Followers 136K Following Motivational Speaker 🎙️ CEO @GoGetterDas 💛 @GeorgiaTech Engineer 📲 15 Million Views a Month 📺 DM me to book your 1-Hour Brand Consultation 👇🏽
Conor McGregor @TheNotoriousMMA
10.5M Followers 1K Following 5 time World Champion. Irelands greatest Stout - @forgedstout. Irelands greatest Whiskey - @properwhiskey. Pray EVERYDAY!! #GOD #EIRE #FAMILY
bipolar bear @BipolarBearDick
10K Followers 5K Following Doer of nothing. Accomplisher of nothing. Creator of nothing but many kids. Autism dad. Amateur porn actor. Cub Scouts veteran.
Doc Johnny Fever🎙 @NikiMarinis
6K Followers 2K Following Weird Girl🔮Co-host of @LyricalCrimes podcast 🎤 Writer of dating & relationship comedy gold 💋📝 “You’re a Gen-X wet dream” - @MickeyBlowtorch
🌻Heather🌻 @BoobsNAnxiety
12K Followers 11K Following #NSFW! 🚫Minors. 420💨 Married to @chrisismyname87💍#NFL #CowboysNation⭐ #ChiefsKingdom 🏈🚫DM #WWE #RKO #Rhea💪I repost A LOT! #Taurus ♉ #Liberal🌊
Miss A. @simplya00
390 Followers 490 Following Sharing Observations~ Good Vibes~ Coffee Enthusiast ~ Dreamer~ Sarcastic Ray Of Sunshine~🌺🌻🥀 No Dms plz #GoDucks #BleedBlue
Jane Salty Dough @JaneSaltyDough
829 Followers 803 Following I don't like it now. Leave me alone about it.
Petergreight ! @petergreight
1K Followers 3K Following No DMs, will delete unread !! Photography addict since 1970 , basically kept me broke for over 50 years. Parttime construction elevator operator , chain yanker
Vaughn E. Honyara @UneducatedTwitt
81 Followers 106 Following CEO of POTlitics on substack. Twitch@v_digity
☆Stacey☆ @StaceyB_1980
6K Followers 2K Following A mom, oncology nurse practitioner, Bengals fan, and I like playing games from time to time. Don't DM me. I'm just here to tweet shit.
Adult @Adult
23K Followers 8K Following The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything. - Albert Einstein.
ANAÏS NINJA @michikoconuts
8K Followers 2K Following MORE PERSNICKETY THAN EVER https://t.co/9tHvo7JT1X
Tattletale Times @TattletaleTimes
418 Followers 1K Following Your go-to source for hilarious satire news on the chaotic world of parenting. https://t.co/pFbpZ6Lfd1
Ann-Kathrin @art_ann_kathrin
920 Followers 1K Following artworks and prints (worldwide shipping 🌍 🕊️) https://t.co/pNLQHMPbiS https://t.co/pyqSG0zIlU
Shauna Louise @shauna_1972
2K Followers 4K Following Gen X social worker. Ontario/Detroit dual. Proud NDP/Dem voter. Pro-choice + common sense gun laws. We need more housing. Also, fuck Trump. 🇨🇦🏳️🌈🇺🇦
Wickedest Divinity @FuukTwitar
6K Followers 3K Following Dusky-haired Lady Satan ~ Sweetly Rotten ~ Servant of Evil ~ Sleepiest WOKE bitch you'll ever meet NO MAGA. No. Never. Please don't follow me I don't like you.
ᒪᗴ丅 丅ᕼᗴ �.. @000Authentic
17K Followers 18K Following 🍃❤ Hope for the best ⭐ prepared for the worst 🔮💫
Madaline Zannes @zanneslaw
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♡ Eve ♡ @evecullen610
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Sweet Momissa @sweetmomissa
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Yontim @yontimmusic
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The General @General_oveseas
15K Followers 7K Following Three things guarantee success: starting and not stopping and staying focus.👻Geraldgee1 . Rest in peace 💔🕊️DJ pop instagram: Da_general2020
Sheri 🇨🇦🫎�.. @NotsoScarySheri
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Jason Kester @djgromit
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We all need at least one friend to whom general rules don’t apply.
I may have not read all of the Holy Bible, but I have read the parts that mattered.
Get into the #TeleTuesday spirit with an Aged Dakota Red Tele built by Levi Perry. Tell us your favorite shade of Fender Red in the comments.
Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.
They should have Shazam but instead of music you just scan the face of an actor you’re watching and it tells you their name and what else they’ve been in
Our daughter is angrily explaining why Swifties are so annoying while she is binge-watching 17 straight hours of K-Pop. Parenting books didn't prep me for this moment.
Queso = Spanish for cheese K, so = a Midwestern woman explaining the plan that just changed
I don't have a Stanley cup because my name isn't Stanley.
Me: I was being facetious. Niece: What does that mean? Me: It means I was being sarcastic. Niece: What does sarcastic mean? Me: You know what, nevermind.
Is there anything better than having the house to yourself? NO. THE ANSWER IS NO.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they love you too.
You can't stay in environments where people don't recognize the value of you.. Job, family, marriage, relationships. Just no.
When you go through tough times.. that's when good friends who go through it with you, really are the shining stars in your lyfe. 🩷
If you can’t take accountability - or at least recognize the fact that your words and actions can have an affect on how someone else feels then you have more growing to do, my friend.
"People expect you to stay around while they put you last... That shit is dead."
Until men start calling out other men for shitty behavior towards women this isn’t going to change. Millions of assaults every year by men they know. Let’s start being the protectors you all claim to be. I’m terrified of bears. Which is exactly their point. We are their bears.
The way you still love them says everything about your good heart.. The way they don't care says everything about theirs..
When your energy is off I’ll remove myself from your life
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