I shot a video for @thedad and someone asked in the comments "how many tries did the toss into the bag take?"
Anyway Laura is gonna be unhappy when she sees this and finds out I spilled her Vitamin C on the floor but that's showbiz baby.
I overheard a coworker ranking holiday movies and had “Love, Actually” at No. 1 and “Christmas Vacation” not on the list. I can’t tell if this person is intentionally trolling us all or if this is a "I'm so sorry about your traumatic brain injury" situation
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Grocery shopping is harder than usual, because your goal is to stock up to limit your trips, but your kids' goal is to consume everything in one sitting like it’s a TV show eating challenge.
Took my kids to meet Santa (free) but they were charging $40 for photos, like I’m not carrying my own camera in my pocket. And sure, they said no phones, but what are they gonna do? Santa ain't gonna break character with a huge line watching like that.
The day after Thanksgiving is even better than the actual holiday, because you get to have another full Thanksgiving meal without worrying what your weird uncle is going to say next.
People need to stop acting like leftovers are a given. My cousin (who didn’t cook shit) showed up at Thanksgiving with three of his own giant Tupperware containers so he could pillage before anyone even grabs seconds. Feel like grandma should send him a bill for that
Ah yes, my favorite Thanksgiving tradition - pretending to be extremely invested in football to avoid getting involved in whatever argument my family has chosen this year.
There actually is a war on Christmas and I’m not even kidding. I have a real tree and my neighbor saw me setting it up so he FREAKED OUT, shouting stuff like “hey that’s from my yard” and “you can’t cut down my trees!” and it’s like bro, let me do the holiday my way
Once you’ve been married long enough, any larger-than-normal purchase made within two months of Christmas counts as your present to each other. Like, this year, I "got" my wife braces for our 12-year-old.
56K Followers 1K Followingintrovert. Husband. Dad of 3.
bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83
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20K Followers 1K Followingfreelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇
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5K Followers 5K Following100% Disabled 🇺🇸 #Navy#Combat#Veteran, My honor to serve! Honest, civil, respectful. Our opinions may differ, and it's ok. IFB.I answer posts. DM's are ok.
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12K Followers 12K FollowingLamont A. Turner dug himself out of the gutter one day and decided to write down all of the horrible stories bouncing around in his head.
1K Followers 1K FollowingLegendary patriarch, master mason, and philosopher king. Offerer of wisdom and advice to the lost and weary. Defender of the faith.
212 Followers 681 FollowingSometimes extremely moderate and other times moderately extreme. A firm believer that you can lead a fool to an idea but you cannot make him think.
24 Followers 391 FollowingI’m just a mom that’s been momming for 17 years. I have 5 kids (Jennifer 17 ♏️ Jon 16 ♏️ Justin 14 ♌️ Jessica 7 ♎️ and Jayden 1 ♏️) I done seen it all 💁🏻♀️
16 Followers 244 FollowingI’m just back with a new account after leaving Twitter for a while for sanity reasons. Just trying to get through the 2024 election.
56K Followers 1K Followingintrovert. Husband. Dad of 3.
bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83
My links!
https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST
seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezbur
20K Followers 1K Followingfreelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇
28K Followers 8K FollowingHopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonz
20K Followers 3K FollowingTime to get more, so you can grill more. 🔥 Come for the friends—stay for the grilling tips & tricks, plus mouthwatering recipes.
14.3M Followers 777K FollowingA forum of thoughts and perspectives designed to ignite conversations and actions leading to growth, and occasional self promotion. #NeverGiveUp #RiseAboveHate
12K Followers 793 FollowingFinder of Voices & Nit-picker of performances. My tips are specific to #animation #voiceover. #castingdirector #voicedirector #voiceovercoach #vo
62K Followers 241 FollowingThe official Fairfax County Fire and Rescue Department Twitter account. Call 911 for emergencies, 703-691-2131, TTY 711, for non-emergencies.
3K Followers 880 FollowingChief Content Officer of Bustle Digital Group; Bestselling author of Bad Summer People, out now, and Very Bad Company, out May ‘24 from Flatiron Books
438K Followers 6K FollowingI tell the truth like white draws. FORMER: @TheDailyShow CURRENT: Social Recluse. FAMU grad reppin 205. Took me 5 yrs to get a 4yr degree, don't take me serious
129 Followers 165 FollowingGod #1. CEO of First Class_eSports, (rocket league, Apex Legends). Avid Rocket league and apex legends player. Soon to be Father of 1, Air Force Veteran.
712 Followers 457 FollowingDad of 3 🇨🇦 YWS RLCS Coach, Marketing Guru, Tech Wizard. Founder of @Clipbotgg, CMO My Wellness App, Head of Rocket League @Channel3gg, Host @TheDadGaming.
187 Followers 360 FollowingBe the change you want to see in the world. 🌎
As seen on Season 5 of ABC's 'The $100,000 Pyramid'
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2.8M Followers 552 FollowingWhat you need to know about the past to help inform the present and understand the future. You can also find us on FB, IG, TikTok, TV and https://t.co/VVDHroIMcB.
8K Followers 798 Following✝️ Follower of Jesus.
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🏈 Retired NFL player.
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Col 3:23