Mommy Cusses @mommy_cusses
A domestic hot mess. Author. Social Media Manager @pnmag https://t.co/xmC8SoY3sj linktr.ee/mommycusses Joined November 2013-
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I read somewhere that babies can recognize their mom's voice from just one syllable and totally unrelated, but I just realized how many syllables my favorite four-lettered words have. Fuck.
Not a lot of people know this, but the song "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" is actually by a post-breastfeeding mom documenting tit sag.
My husband just asked me why the baby bouncer was in the bathroom and that just shows how different our lives are.
Dating the tall guy is all fun and games until you are carrying his giant offspring
If my postpartum hair loss drain clog could start cleaning the house and helping me get ready for the day like the forest animals in Disney movies, that would be great.
A "Parenting in the Winter" Bingo card with squares that say things like "got asked where my kid's jacket was," "got a call from the school nurse," "persistent cough," "child insisted on wearing shorts," and "got a letter from the school about absences."
Abolish valentines days and replace it with winter halloween
Moms know which cup really is the true winner- the one you get from the hospital when you give birth
Gonna get my kid a leg tat that says, "I tried - love, Mom," so everyone who sees them in shorts during the winter knows.
Congratulations on your new baby boy! You will be finding Nerf bullets in strange places for the next 20 years.
My toddler strung four words together for the first time. He said ‘stop talking to me.’ My heart is full.
Bet I can tell you how to ruin your child's life in just six words: You need to wear a jacket.
Can we stop calling it "postpartum hair loss" and re-term it "postpartum hair migration"? Where it comes out of your scalp and travels to your chin, nipples, and...toes? WTF...
Imagine you're an actor. A film you starred in was traumatizing for some reason. You try to gaslight a generation of nostalgia fiends into believing it never existed. For visualization purposes only, let's say your name is Sinbad. You also create the term "Mandela effect."
My 6yo asked Alexa to play Christmas music, and then screamed, “not that music” so Alexa tried again, got it wrong, and again, and again, until Alexa turned itself off, and I just feel so validated knowing that even our robot assistant sometimes hides from my daughter and her BS.
7: Mom did you know the most painful thing in the world is having a baby come out of you? Me, the person who gave birth to his 9 pound ass: YES I’M AWARE
Babies get all the attention. Maybe I, too, want an applause when I go from sitting to standing.
Sorry kids, Mommy didn't wake up feeling very P-Diddy this morning.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Being sick, yet still needing to take care of other sick people, who are, coincidentally, the very same people who got you sick in the first place, is the Mommest thing a Mom will ever Mom.
Simon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.
The Dad @thedad
142K Followers 589 Following Welcome to the club. 🔥 https://t.co/E3irT7D7mM 🏆 https://t.co/EFPhC0SEeE 🎮 @thedadgaming
Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
66K Followers 9K Following divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/0FDtG6xK4t | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/t7dCbYmwgu
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezbur
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4
116K Followers 6K Following I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids. https://t.co/m6TcvYNqfm
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal
136K Followers 2K Following Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM. https://t.co/jv3VQ5CW4O
Marcy G @BunAndLeggings
51K Followers 2K Following parenthood is like a box of chocolates... it's expensive
That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6
Mommy Owl @Mommy__Owl
26K Followers 3K Following Ex-netflix. Former Victorian Literature Professor. @UCBerkeley Alum.
SpacedMom @copymama
25K Followers 3K Following Writer of freelance copy. Cultivator of small humans. Documenter of absurdity. / Header by the talented @mommy_cusses
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 941 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohj
Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVph
Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire
75K Followers 2K Following Smooth like nitroglycerin. Sidekick to @gingerhotdish
I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇
Yasin @Yasin747235
111 Followers 2K Following
AhmedBashir @da_beshoo
42 Followers 429 Following Our hearts know the truth. Let's not ignore their voices. Opinions are my own and don't represent any organization.
c.r.q @ccrene1
7 Followers 211 Following weekly Anne Will gif project since 2019. click on the #annewillgif to see more. Sorry her programme aired its last episode Dec 2023. No more new gifs I guess…
Bg Bang @BgBang007
39 Followers 290 Following
HunnyHiive @HunnyHiive
290 Followers 1K Following Tasks of Parenting is WILD FYI you're not alone on the journey.
Hapless Husband @dade_senior
272 Followers 672 Following
Naïve American @nahdude83
403 Followers 678 Following I'm a middle aged man restarting life. I also need help. See my GoFundMe or I can make something for you through my Etsy shoppe below 👇🏽 DM for custom art!
Crab Mudgeon @crabmudgeon
4 Followers 50 Following Social media group therapy. It's cheaper than a shrink.
sup @sup60949794
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Sams islam @samsilsam599
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Darren Scott @DazzaSkot
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Mr. Courtney @CourtneyGraber1
26 Followers 26 Following Hoosier. Lawn Care Nut. Servant of Jesus Christ, who is the solution to all the world’s problems.
アルト/ Moz @beethovooon
53 Followers 241 Following dog-lover / 🇺🇸 / 英語 / 日本語 / クラシック音楽が好きです / 自分のヘアスタイルに満足した事が一度もありません / 外見は可愛い系、中はハードコアなオタク /sweet on the outside but I'm a hardcore otaku-nerd on the inside
T Camp17 @Camp17T
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Patty-Anne Cahill @anne_patty39377
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Funny Medicine Podcas.. @FunnyMedPodcast
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Shan Walt @shaniwalt23
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aster and rose @asterandrose21
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Mariah Calkins @BaconWrappedEmu
1 Followers 41 Following
existential angst is .. @IsExistential68
273 Followers 816 Following Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does. Jean-Paul Sartre 📚High School English teacher 🤘
Clare Casey @ClareCasey14
1 Followers 151 Following
KNOWHEN® @Knowhen
4K Followers 5K Following The #1 advanced saliva ovulation test in the US with a #fertility monitor app for tracking. Accurately and naturally answers...Could I get pregnant today?
Deepak Sarsari @DeepakSarsari
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Kids Books @KidsBooksio
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Kim Shaw @KimKmarsh
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Shane @Shane70485651
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The River @LandscapedIt
63 Followers 4K Following Proverbs 1:7 KJV The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.
123okIjustpoppedabean @123okIjustpopp1
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bts parkjimin @BtaPark3262
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Neat as a Pin @NeatasaPin
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book @Mir289406
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David Sievers @prothetcuhydi
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Darling Allure @DarlingAllure
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robin @attibelle
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[email protected] @loriahogan23
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นัทพร ส�.. @nattaponsonde
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Heiko Lindauer @heikohans61
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Pops @ThisFknGuyPops
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Happy Mum Happy Baby @HappyMumHa89382
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Simon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.
The Dad @thedad
142K Followers 589 Following Welcome to the club. 🔥 https://t.co/E3irT7D7mM 🏆 https://t.co/EFPhC0SEeE 🎮 @thedadgaming
Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
66K Followers 9K Following divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/0FDtG6xK4t | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/t7dCbYmwgu
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezbur
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4
116K Followers 6K Following I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids. https://t.co/m6TcvYNqfm
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal
59K Followers 983 Following Wife of a guy. Mother to spawns. Sugar glider in my bra. Parenting cautionary tale. (she/her)
Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal
136K Followers 2K Following Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM. https://t.co/jv3VQ5CW4O
Marcy G @BunAndLeggings
51K Followers 2K Following parenthood is like a box of chocolates... it's expensive
That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6
Mommy Owl @Mommy__Owl
26K Followers 3K Following Ex-netflix. Former Victorian Literature Professor. @UCBerkeley Alum.
SpacedMom @copymama
25K Followers 3K Following Writer of freelance copy. Cultivator of small humans. Documenter of absurdity. / Header by the talented @mommy_cusses
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 941 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohj
Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVph
Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire
75K Followers 2K Following Smooth like nitroglycerin. Sidekick to @gingerhotdish
MomsterVibes @MomsterVibes
9 Followers 1 Following Momster to 2 monsters. Not your typical OC housewife. Friday is my second favorite “F” word
BigKidProblems @BigKidProblems
11K Followers 1K Following Still learning to adult. Follow @Bigkidproblems on Insta! https://t.co/H4dZUqfYWn
the original self-ide.. @ThyArtIsMemes
45K Followers 9K Following Graphic Designer | Metal Enthusiast | Purveyor of Memes | he/him
Terri Paella Piñata @terrip38
2K Followers 2K Following Rated PG for action/peril and mild rude humor. 🤪
Jaron Myers @jaronmyers
11K Followers 346 Following Stand-up comedian | co-host of @tillnpodcast | Chick-fil-A rapper | Old Navy mannequin that has come to life
Wizard Cal 🕯️✨ @MageOfSolitude
11K Followers 52 Following Absent-minded hermit and accumulator of books
Lucy Huber @clhubes
80K Followers 2K Following editor @mcsweeneys Mother of: 👦🏼👶🏼🐈⬛🐈🐠🐌 Writer? Hungry. Tired.
Shannon @ShannonJCurtin
4K Followers 1K Following Writer. Mom. Sometimes funny. Work in @NewYorker @mcsweeneys @SlackjawHumor @hobartpulp @Pointsincase @The_Belladonnas Opinions all my own.
emily @emilykmay
34K Followers 3K Following "mid and delusional" | doubt-filled believer | peak millennial | girl's girl | unfortunately very sincere
4Livs @4Livs
1K Followers 104 Following Witty • Funny • Motivational • Little bit of a prick Your new favorite page • All Original Content.
stoned cold fox @roastmalone_
56K Followers 2K Following no milk will EVER be our milk. can’t get enough of me? or just want to say hi? I answer my dms here: https://t.co/FOkADnw5vI
AlwaysAshley @AshleyAlready
45K Followers 8K Following I wanted to go out and change the world but I couldn’t find a babysitter.
Valerie @ValerieManas
310 Followers 322 Following Empowering moms to unleash their potential and achieve fulfillment beyond motherhood · Building wealth & sharing what I know · Mom of 2 · Airbnb owner
𝐵𝓇𝑜𝒻𝑒�.. @1_swarthy_dude
9K Followers 4K Following Capable of reposting what ever I want • You should try it • https://t.co/pjcbUa9OWu
Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan
3.0M Followers 3K Following Male Model. BARELY ALIVE TOUR all new material. My first wife is @jeanniegaffigan. https://t.co/39GfjGbHaW
FreeRangeMattress @free_mattress
2K Followers 1K Following Father of 1 teenage 6 year old, and now introducing a baby. https://t.co/tvZy5jQ1lK. Avi by @Invisichad, header by @BucMarvin
Amy Lyle - unlucky bu.. @amylyle
7K Followers 7K Following Author of funny books, TEDx speaker. Dog lover. Bad dancer. 💃🐕🎙📚
Parenting Presently (.. @presentparent_
2K Followers 511 Following Best parenting hack = laughter | As seen on @BuzzFeed @HuffPost & more | 🐦 Greatest hits ⬇️
D. A. Powell @Powell_DA
19K Followers 4K Following Poet. Shelley Memorial Award, National Book Critics Circle Award, Guggenheim Fellow, NEA Fellow. Poetry, Sex, Music, Food, Politics. https://t.co/5Px1CB83Uw
Diksha Basu @dikshabasu
10K Followers 1K Following
Victress Literary @VictressLit
1K Followers 505 Following We’re here to spark creativity, cheerlead and pilot writers. Brick by brick, we’re building a #WritingCommunity and safe space for all things writing.
Ian Fortey and Bigfoo.. @IanFortey
16K Followers 2K Following Horror & comedy writer. Amazon & NYT best selling author. Rep'd by @VictressLit. I ghostwrite & write commission work. Just ask! https://t.co/mRTLzhZY0M
Stories for my Future.. @StoriesformyFu1
480 Followers 622 Following A collection of things I'll, eventually, tell my future children.
SHART FACTORY @Shart_Factory
521 Followers 1K Following Parenting Humor 👇 Follow on IG ➡️email: [email protected]
Andrea Rappaport @AndreaRappapor5
117 Followers 76 Following CoHost 🎙How Not to Suck at Divorce -Motivational Speaker “How to Make Your Struggle Your Success Story”
Trey @treydayway
41K Followers 6K Following *Something profound* - @treydayway https://t.co/c64nfwFO1X
FleurDeLea @FleurdeNope
1K Followers 2K Following Ugh- times like, infinity. https://t.co/ABkNLicOkY
Slim Jim 🚀 MEATA @SlimJim
515K Followers 160K Following join the Meataverse 🍖 married to @cinnabon 🫶 help build the new GT-R
Resisting Mom Face �.. @RBallots
4K Followers 5K Following Be peaceful, spread light. ☮️ Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 #suicideprevention #blacklivesmatter #translivesmatter 🏳️🌈
COOK·Ⓔ @cookie_mumbles
3K Followers 891 Following also look me up on Mastodon: https://t.co/VA6pcay8Nn
Daddy⤏In⤏Motion @daddyinmotion
902 Followers 906 Following Life’s a comedy but when you’re a dad it’s a dark one. Absurd is the new normal. Not featured on @huffpost @buzzfeed @boredpanda
Indy @IndecisiveJones
19K Followers 885 Following husband, father, animation aficionado, man trapped in the body of a penguin, pfp by @obscureaaron
I Might Be Funny @imightbefunny1
8K Followers 326 Following Mom ❤ Humorist 😄 Author 📚 I pour the milk before the cereal. I thought a sloth was a mythical creature until I was 42. I’ll understand if you leave right now.
Live Laugh Love @livel4aughlove
108K Followers 28 Following
HoneyMustardMama @HoneyMustardMa
633 Followers 159 Following Booboo kisser, Fruit snack opener, Fellow human encourager, General life enthusiast. Follow me on IG: HoneyMustardMama
Rhiannon Giles @rhiyaya
682 Followers 749 Following Writerish As seen in WaPo, NYT, Insider, USA Today, HuffPo, McSweeney's, Scary Mommy, TODAY, and more. Book in progress: https://t.co/oCh8HamvJD
Out of Control Parent.. @oocparental
1K Followers 1K Following Actor, Comedian, Crazy Cat Lady IG:@outofcontrolparental she/her/hers
Mumnipotent Ruler @MumOfTw0
4K Followers 1K Following Mum of 2 under 2 in 2022. Here for the laughs on all things parenting and marriage!
🍁Graham Kritzer @GrahamKritzer
7K Followers 660 Following Dad | Comedian IG: https://t.co/psofRPKyhx https://t.co/bNYQO5BaSM
🌜🤷♂️ �.. @raoulvilla
5K Followers 3K Following Husband father of 4. Wu Tang name is Tha Nappa. Parody, not a real moon. As seen on https://t.co/9fhkEMkr1v https://t.co/1vrml28KE3 the weekly church bulletin
Upside Dad @UpsideDad
4K Followers 2K Following Father of 8 at last count. Fan of The Office and Oxford commas. Seen in @HuffPostParents @Cheezburger @TODAYshow @Someecards @BoredPanda and more. My tweets ⬇️
Emily ™ @emily_tweets
252K Followers 2K Following typical fucking scorpio - header art: @sasa_elebea
The REAL Messy Mom @TheREALMessyMom
3K Followers 1K Following I am a REAL Mom With REAL Mess and REAL life. Read more at https://t.co/tLBLk1gD1f
My Life As Dad @milifeasdad
6K Followers 896 Following Dad. Real silly. Davidoff Cool Water activist. Posts seen on @Buzzfeed, @HuffPost, @TODAY_Parents & more. I.G. 👉 https://t.co/f1BzpG3AnQ . My tweets in 🔗 below.Not a lot of people know this, but the song "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" is actually by a post-breastfeeding mom documenting tit sag.
I read somewhere that babies can recognize their mom's voice from just one syllable and totally unrelated, but I just realized how many syllables my favorite four-lettered words have. Fuck.
My husband just asked me why the baby bouncer was in the bathroom and that just shows how different our lives are.
Dating the tall guy is all fun and games until you are carrying his giant offspring
If my postpartum hair loss drain clog could start cleaning the house and helping me get ready for the day like the forest animals in Disney movies, that would be great.
A "Parenting in the Winter" Bingo card with squares that say things like "got asked where my kid's jacket was," "got a call from the school nurse," "persistent cough," "child insisted on wearing shorts," and "got a letter from the school about absences."
Abolish valentines days and replace it with winter halloween
Can we stop calling it "postpartum hair loss" and re-term it "postpartum hair migration"? Where it comes out of your scalp and travels to your chin, nipples, and...toes? WTF...
Moms know which cup really is the true winner- the one you get from the hospital when you give birth
Gonna get my kid a leg tat that says, "I tried - love, Mom," so everyone who sees them in shorts during the winter knows.
Congratulations on your new baby boy! You will be finding Nerf bullets in strange places for the next 20 years.
My toddler strung four words together for the first time. He said ‘stop talking to me.’ My heart is full.
Bet I can tell you how to ruin your child's life in just six words: You need to wear a jacket.
Spirit Week before winter break should look like: Pajamas Day, Come to School 10 Minutes Late Because Your Mom Stopped to Get Coffee First, Pajama Day, I'm Trying my Best, Opposite of Having Your Shit Together Day.
Imagine you're an actor. A film you starred in was traumatizing for some reason. You try to gaslight a generation of nostalgia fiends into believing it never existed. For visualization purposes only, let's say your name is Sinbad. You also create the term "Mandela effect."
My 6yo asked Alexa to play Christmas music, and then screamed, “not that music” so Alexa tried again, got it wrong, and again, and again, until Alexa turned itself off, and I just feel so validated knowing that even our robot assistant sometimes hides from my daughter and her BS.
7: Mom did you know the most painful thing in the world is having a baby come out of you? Me, the person who gave birth to his 9 pound ass: YES I’M AWARE
Babies get all the attention. Maybe I, too, want an applause when I go from sitting to standing.
Sorry kids, Mommy didn't wake up feeling very P-Diddy this morning.
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