Mommy Owl @Mommy__Owl
Ex-netflix. Former Victorian Literature Professor. @UCBerkeley Alum. Instagram.com/mommyowl1 Joined December 2011-
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Followers26K
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Following3K
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Likes27K
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job. She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up. Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it. My grandma is fierce.
My kids and I were watching Willy Wonka and at the same time we all got up to fast forward through the Cheer Up Charlie Song and it’s just so nice we finally have something we agree on.
The rule states that if a husband uses his stud finder for any reason he must first hold it up to himself and say, “found one!”
You ever just meet a little kid with a big personality and think “mmmm those those teen years are gonna be brutal on those poor parents”
Raising a middle schooler means spending a fortune on hair, nails, and makeup that doesn’t belong to you. Meanwhile you’re somehow walking around in public looking increasingly like a bridge troll.
My dog just growled at me because I keep walking into rooms and forgetting why I’m there so looks like she’s sick of my shit too.
First rule of parenthood: Don’t ever think to yourself “it’s because of my awesome parenting my kid’s a good sleeper/eater/easy-going human being” because number 2 will come along waking up 42 times a night straight up refusing to eat anything but sliced bananas for 6 years.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains? Me: I did not know that. 6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
For anyone hearing “kids spend too much time on devices nowadays,” I have one thing and one thing only to say, “Now this is the story all about how…,” It’s a rare condition this day in age…,” “When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning…”
Parenting hack: Sometimes if you wait long enough to help them find it, they will LITERALLY JUST OPEN THEIR EYES! It’s crazy.
My kid’s bff was out sick so she didn’t have anyone to sit w/. She asked a girl in her class if she could join & the girl said, “Ofc! You’re my friend!” My kid said she spent the rest of the day smiling. If u rlly want to improve the world w/ kindness, it starts at the lunchtable
So like I know the things that make a great mom are super subjective but my daughter just said her favorite songs are Fast Car and Landslide so I must be doing something right
Whether it’s rocks, stamps, coins, or soda can flip tops, your childhood is not complete without at least one failed collection.
The back of my Christmas tree is nobody’s business
When I just started accepting sock sandals as a staple of my wardrobe the second part of my life began.
Unpopular opinion - wait until everyone’s gone to open birthday presents.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house
Everyone talks about Xmas as their favorite time of the year but nobody talks about that week smashed in right after when time and space cease to exist, where we’ve all agreed to rest and sleep and do nothing. Because that THAT is the actual best time of the year.
When did hugging go from something I did to soothe my kids to something I do to soothe me?
You know what’s awesome, new moms! 15 years from now, nobody’s gonna give a sh*t how you birthed your baby or what you fed them bc breastfed, bottlefed, whatever, eventually all of your little teenagers are gonna look you dead in the face and say, “You never do anything for me!”
Simon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezbur
Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
66K Followers 9K Following divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/0FDtG6xK4t | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/t7dCbYmwgu
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
The Dad @thedad
142K Followers 589 Following Welcome to the club. 🔥 https://t.co/E3irT7D7mM 🏆 https://t.co/EFPhC0SEeE 🎮 @thedadgaming
Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4
116K Followers 6K Following I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids. https://t.co/m6TcvYNqfm
Marcy G @BunAndLeggings
51K Followers 2K Following parenthood is like a box of chocolates... it's expensive
That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6
Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal
136K Followers 2K Following Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM. https://t.co/jv3VQ5CW4O
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
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Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVph
Laura Marie @lmegordon
25K Followers 2K Following I'm a mom, a nationally-ranked complainer, and an aspiring novelist.
NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 942 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohj
Scary Mommy @ScaryMommy
490K Followers 1K Following Please take the enchiladas out of the freezer. Follow the Scary Mommy Book Club @scarymommybooks for monthly recs!
Mommy Needs A Life @mom_needsalife
11K Followers 463 Following Mom of 3. Finder of things. Drinker of gin. https://t.co/XEuy6bHaVy
Ashley Chapman @momchronicles18
17 Followers 375 Following I’m just a mom that’s been momming for 17 years. I have 5 kids (Jennifer 17 ♏️ Jon 16 ♏️ Justin 14 ♌️ Jessica 7 ♎️ and Jayden 1 ♏️) I done seen it all 💁🏻♀️
Zac cook @CookeZachary
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Reuven Levitt @TechProofKids
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HAPPY PEOPLE @HAPPYPE22487160
55 Followers 39 Following
AhmedBashir @da_beshoo
42 Followers 429 Following Our hearts know the truth. Let's not ignore their voices. Opinions are my own and don't represent any organization.
Ide Gila @Idegilamnliputh
5 Followers 95 Following
John Sundeen @JohnSundee75024
440 Followers 597 Following Single young 34 year old looking forward to growing up more an luarning more message me for more info on me or selfies [email protected] email op
E-Books 4New Generati.. @Ebooks_ForKids
5 Followers 65 Following Passionate about empowering kids through coding. Author of fun and engaging eBooks to spark creativity and foster digital literacy. #CodingForKids
Amy 💕 @AmyyH23
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HunnyHiive @HunnyHiive
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sup @sup60949794
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Shahid @Shahid661840
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emilie @mommie0202
22 Followers 342 Following
Jayakodi @jayavivaan
20 Followers 397 Following
BETTER DECISIONS ~ BE.. @Decision_Edu
362 Followers 5K Following DEF's mission is to improve the lives of young people by empowering them with effective Decision Skills.
Heather McEwan @HeatherMcEwan11
5 Followers 71 Following
Tom Murphy @tmurph303
116 Followers 390 Following Municipal Training Officer Pleasant Valley Fire Dept
The River @LandscapedIt
63 Followers 4K Following Proverbs 1:7 KJV The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.
Tell me a story Daddy @DVyas75755
368 Followers 1K Following "TellMeStoryDaddy" is a platform designed for parents seeking engaging tales that foster strong connections with their children.
BUTTERCUP / 🧈 🥤 @Sabrina420
12K Followers 7K Following Bio this, Bio that 🔞Joints and a** 💨Tits and sass 🌿Sweet and sour 😇👿 I can't rhyme...blah , blah..blah. 🍆Stay out my DM's with your pee pees. 💍& Mom
Baby Kids Tips @babykidstips1
95 Followers 273 Following Unlock the best tips and tricks for raising happy and healthy babies and kids! From parenting hacks to developmental milestones, we've got you covered.
Veronica Galicia @VeggieGM
27 Followers 383 Following
Taylor Smith @TaylorS12825465
45 Followers 161 Following
Zipy The Turtle @ZipyTheTurtle
7 Followers 19 Following Zippy the Turtle Preschool Pal! Join me for fun & learning adventures! #TurtleTime #PreschoolFun #LearningWithZipy #zipytheturtle
Latee Lee @latee_lee
143 Followers 323 Following
Amy🏵 @amyscersxo
82 Followers 384 Following XXVI•Year 5/6 teacher•Wonderer•History Lead•MA Education•All views are my own
A. Colette Anthony �.. @NotSoFabFitFun
18 Followers 221 Following I’m not fabulous, fit, or fun...ok maybe a little fabulous and a lot fun!
Izzy D. Jowett @IzzyDJ
94 Followers 446 Following Braindate Experience Producer @e180 Global Citizen, Uber mum, Circular Economy devotee | she/her
John S. Faik @JohnSFaik
26 Followers 66 Following
Leesa Jarman @bambi_1319
25 Followers 267 Following
HillNo! 🇺🇸 @GirlMom2x
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Laura Aghajan @LAghajan
7 Followers 121 Following
Geneod @Geneod1953
7 Followers 14 Following
Chris @Anfini00
646 Followers 2K Following Politics junkie, right winger, Biden and Trudeau suck, writer/gamer. #Trump2024
Colleen Parker @ParkerColleen57
1 Followers 17 Following
Aussie Chick @OneAussieChick
3K Followers 4K Following Equality & equity are key. Grateful resident of Euro-Yroke once inhabited by the Yalukit Wilum clan.
Prof Deborah Marsh @djmarsh24
3K Followers 3K Following cancer scientist | Discipline Leader, Medical Science @ UTS | mum, enquirer | #WomeninSTEM | just trying to work it all out | thoughts always my own | she/her
Christina Stewart @fairyfart28
3 Followers 93 Following
Ana Flavia Andrade @mamanationbr
2 Followers 22 Following
Pregnant-boutique @Pregnantboutiq
134 Followers 1K Following Pregnant-boutique is a store provide you with the best quality of clothes for pregnant women and baby supplies…OPENING SOON WAIT US
Tammie Stratton @lvmama3
198 Followers 862 Following Mimi extrodanare. Hiker, biker and love to arrange flowers. Nothing too heavy going on over here. #theChurchofJesusChristofLatterdaySaints
Simon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.
Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
66K Followers 9K Following divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/0FDtG6xK4t | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/t7dCbYmwgu
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
The Dad @thedad
142K Followers 589 Following Welcome to the club. 🔥 https://t.co/E3irT7D7mM 🏆 https://t.co/EFPhC0SEeE 🎮 @thedadgaming
Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4
116K Followers 6K Following I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids. https://t.co/m6TcvYNqfm
Marcy G @BunAndLeggings
51K Followers 2K Following parenthood is like a box of chocolates... it's expensive
That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6
Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal
136K Followers 2K Following Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM. https://t.co/jv3VQ5CW4O
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.
Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVph
NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*
Scary Mommy @ScaryMommy
490K Followers 1K Following Please take the enchiladas out of the freezer. Follow the Scary Mommy Book Club @scarymommybooks for monthly recs!
Mommy Needs A Life @mom_needsalife
11K Followers 463 Following Mom of 3. Finder of things. Drinker of gin. https://t.co/XEuy6bHaVy
SpacedMom @copymama
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Professional Worrier @pro_worrier_
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Parenting Presently (.. @presentparent_
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ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl
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internet hall of fame @InternetH0F
2.8M Followers 838 Following alt @TPayst | credit is given when original source is known. if no credit is listed, OP can DM us with credit request.
Ask Your Mom @letsaskyourmom_
176 Followers 113 Following ☕️ so much unsolicited advice to give, so little time. 📥 Subscribe to my blog for parenting, travel, food knowledge from this NYC mom.
nopeamine @mycircus4
444 Followers 1K Following MS in Nutrition. Mom of 4, Neurodivergent, Long Covid. She/her.
Corianda Dimes @corianda
3K Followers 2K Following Always halfway down a rabbit hole. Marketing at @TikTok_US, former @tbwachiatla. Opinions are my own. (she/her 🏳️🌈)
oliver whitney @cinemabite
8K Followers 2K Following 🍉🍉🍉 now: @translashmedia. then: Netflix Film editorial social manager; film critic/journo @ ScreenCrush, HuffPost, AV Club, Vanity Fair, Vulture, TV Guide.
gabrielle korn @Gabrielle_Korn
15K Followers 2K Following Author; Yours for the Taking out now from @stmartinspress! Up next: The Shutouts, 12/3/24. Agent [email protected]
Just J @junejuly12
48K Followers 8K Following dog lover • wine aficionado • licorice hater / 25 old faves https://t.co/MNfI9FLLlm
Rose Dommu @rosedommu
56K Followers 1K Following writer, rep’d by [email protected] — subscribe to my newsletter MALL GOTH
Scary Mommy Book Club @ScaryMommyBooks
1K Followers 767 Following A new book club by @ScaryMommy. You don't have to bring a cheese tray or wear pants. 📚 Now reading #VenCo by @writeoncherie 📚
Michelle Obama @MichelleObama
22.1M Followers 18 Following Girl from the South Side and former First Lady. Wife, mother, dog lover. Always hugger-in-chief. #TheLightWeCarry
Dan Rather @DanRather
2.6M Followers 1K Following Journalist, storyteller, lifelong reader. Texan by birth and by choice. Author of STEADY: https://t.co/8kW1QUbZQJ
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Maya @mayawatson
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407 Followers 706 Following 20x Guinness World Records, Life/Career/Wellness Coach, MBA, Children Advocacy, RVAT. Entrepreneur, Frm. Corporate Executive. Corporate Culture, Venezolano
Joe Biden @JoeBiden
38.0M Followers 46 Following Husband to @DrBiden, proud father and grandfather. Ready to finish the job for all Americans. Official account is @POTUS.
Arianna Bradford @thearibradford
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Sarah Cooper @sarahcpr
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Gila Pfeffer (as in �.. @Gilapfeffer
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Douglas Mackinnon @drmuig
31K Followers 12K Following Director/Showrunner from Skye. Inc.Sherlock (Emmy-winning). Doctor Who. “You didn’t buy a house at the end of the road, it’s at the beginning of the road”
Amanda Marcotte | Med.. @storiesofamom
2K Followers 325 Following follow me storiesofamediocremom on IG! Mediocre Mom to A Ray of Sunshine. ✨. https://t.co/5vCSaOXgYiThe rule states that if a husband uses his stud finder for any reason he must first hold it up to himself and say, “found one!”
Every middle school currently has $2,500 worth of Stanleys and other tumblers in lost and found.
Parent Pro Tip: If they’re old enough to critique what you put in their lunch, they’re old enough to make it themself.
My 10yo asked what the point of a phonebook was and as I explained it the room transformed into a prehistoric scene and a pterodactyl flew overhead.
For anyone hearing “kids spend too much time on devices nowadays,” I have one thing and one thing only to say, “Now this is the story all about how…,” It’s a rare condition this day in age…,” “When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning…”
Saving seats for your family at a crowded middle school chorus concert is a top 5 stressful moment.
Parenting hack: Sometimes if you wait long enough to help them find it, they will LITERALLY JUST OPEN THEIR EYES! It’s crazy.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together. “I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My kid’s bff was out sick so she didn’t have anyone to sit w/. She asked a girl in her class if she could join & the girl said, “Ofc! You’re my friend!” My kid said she spent the rest of the day smiling. If u rlly want to improve the world w/ kindness, it starts at the lunchtable
The back of my Christmas tree is nobody’s business
So like I know the things that make a great mom are super subjective but my daughter just said her favorite songs are Fast Car and Landslide so I must be doing something right
Whether it’s rocks, stamps, coins, or soda can flip tops, your childhood is not complete without at least one failed collection.
When I just started accepting sock sandals as a staple of my wardrobe the second part of my life began.
Unpopular opinion - wait until everyone’s gone to open birthday presents.
I’m on whatever team Bandit’s on
It's about to be a #DisneyJunior winter wonderland ❄️
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house
Everyone talks about Xmas as their favorite time of the year but nobody talks about that week smashed in right after when time and space cease to exist, where we’ve all agreed to rest and sleep and do nothing. Because that THAT is the actual best time of the year.
When did hugging go from something I did to soothe my kids to something I do to soothe me?
But are we sure 987 stuffies is enough? . . . 🎥: Doc McStuffins
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