Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4
I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids. https://t.co/m6TcvYNqfm twitter.com/search?q=from%… California Joined February 2014-
Tweets49K
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Followers116K
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Following6K
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Likes57K
I love how on Fridays I start making a to-do list in my head of everything I will accomplish over the weekend. Saturday: *loads dishwasher* That’s enough for one weekend. *sips cocktail*
"Hey, I know it's Saturday & we have a ton of shit to do, but do you mind if I golf all day?" ~ Men
Today is my dog’s birthday but it’s not like I’m one of those over-the-top people who makes a big ordeal. Just kidding. I pick up his cake at noon.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who can’t find his other AirPod.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I’ve been sending my husband some of my best jokes and he isn’t laughing at any of them. This is garbage.
you think you have it rough? the people i work with say things like happy friday eve…
I guess I became a parent so I could hear myself say “what the hell is going on?” every day.
I would do literally anything to lose 5 pounds right now except change my diet or increase my exercise.
Surely not the same kid who trashed my car for 16 years telling me not to bring trash in her car
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
*tries on jeans* Ugh! *puts them back in closet* I’ll save those for when I lose 10 lbs. [2 years later] *tries on jeans* Ugh! *puts them back in closet* I’ll save those-
[Me 10 years ago] *sees a fire truck* Look, kids! Wow! A fire truck! [Me now] *sees a fire truck* *texts teen* You guys aren’t cooking anything are you?
These corporations are full of lies. They have no business calling this giant box of Cheetos a variety pack.
Listen, idk how it works but my bed becomes infinitely more comfortable from the hours of 5:30 am to 8:00 pm.
Can I call in pants too tight and go home if I am already at work
I rely on future me a little more than I should.
When your 8 year old gets in trouble at school for spelling curse words with scrabble tiles in school, it’s not appropriate to say “well, that’s fucking hilarious.” I know this now.
You are officially middle-aged when you take pride at how many produce price look up codes you have memorized.
When my 6yo told me he liked my old man hair I had to ask what he meant and he was like “you know, those really long squiggly ones at the end of your eyebrow” so there’s that.
Simon Holland @simoncholland
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83K Followers 3K Following Pizza snob 🍕I am a keeper 🐝. Threads & IG: sabrina_take2I will feed my dog chips over and over just to hear him open mouth crunch them, But if a person does that next to me…
I’ve been sending my husband some of my best jokes and he isn’t laughing at any of them. This is garbage.
you think you have it rough? the people i work with say things like happy friday eve…
I would do literally anything to lose 5 pounds right now except change my diet or increase my exercise.
Surely not the same kid who trashed my car for 16 years telling me not to bring trash in her car
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
*tries on jeans* Ugh! *puts them back in closet* I’ll save those for when I lose 10 lbs. [2 years later] *tries on jeans* Ugh! *puts them back in closet* I’ll save those-
[Me 10 years ago] *sees a fire truck* Look, kids! Wow! A fire truck! [Me now] *sees a fire truck* *texts teen* You guys aren’t cooking anything are you?
These corporations are full of lies. They have no business calling this giant box of Cheetos a variety pack.
Listen, idk how it works but my bed becomes infinitely more comfortable from the hours of 5:30 am to 8:00 pm.
Can I call in pants too tight and go home if I am already at work
When your 8 year old gets in trouble at school for spelling curse words with scrabble tiles in school, it’s not appropriate to say “well, that’s fucking hilarious.” I know this now.
You are officially middle-aged when you take pride at how many produce price look up codes you have memorized.
When my 6yo told me he liked my old man hair I had to ask what he meant and he was like “you know, those really long squiggly ones at the end of your eyebrow” so there’s that.
true happiness as a parent is really only ever achieved when you find an ice cream flavor that you love and all of your kids hate
@sarcasticmommy4 You've just discovered the kitchen's Bermuda Triangle! Bread ties vanish but crumbs conveniently stay.
@sarcasticmommy4 I spent 23 minutes looking for the plastic tab and it was a tie all along. ?¿
@sarcasticmommy4 The first time I take them off, I replace them with a clip. Problem solved. ikea.com/us/en/p/bevara…
@sarcasticmommy4 Not just you x.com/gbergan/status…
Not a single home makeover show mentions how twist ties are impossible to see on a granite countertop.