James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn
Father of daughters. Owner of pigs. Writer of books: https://t.co/V7JWbsTXJ9 jamesbreakwell.substack.com Indianapolis, IN Joined August 2012-
Tweets24K
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Followers945K
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Following839
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Likes120K
If there were an Olympic event for putting my foot in my mouth, I would take gold. jamesbreakwell.substack.com/p/friendship-d…
Me: Did you put away your laundry? 11-year-old: Yeah. Me: Where did you put it? 11: Away.
That's one sure way to blow up a friendship. jamesbreakwell.substack.com/p/friendship-d…
My next newsletter comes out tomorrow. In the meantime, you can still read the one from last week. jamesbreakwell.substack.com/p/back-in-diap…
Walmart had mini doughnuts for 64 cents a dozen. I did what I had to do.
[package arrives] Me: What amazing gift have I sent myself this time? [opens up a mundane household item] Me: Man, I suck.
Me: Want to watch a movie? 13-year-old: Sure. Me: Great! 13: Wait, did you mean with you?
We've re-entered a stage of life I thought I was done with for good. jamesbreakwell.substack.com/p/back-in-diap…
Our last First Communion is in the books. We managed to use the same white dress for all four girls. Making it this long without a stain is proof miracles are real.
Me: *picking up my kid* How was the birthday party? 8-year-old: Good. A kid was bleeding. Me: Why? 8: He ran into a wall too hard. She is so ready for college.
9-year-old: What are we doing this weekend? Me: Chores. 9: Can I have a sleepover somewhere else?
Me: Whose dirty socks are on the floor? 11-year-old: There's no way to know. Me: I could make you try them on. 11: This isn't Cinderella.
Me: It's bath night. 8-year-old: Again? Me: Yes. 8: I can only get so clean.
My pigs walk under showers of flower pedals like conquering Roman generals. Too bad the only enemy they've defeated is my yard.
It was a close call with the worst possible ending. jamesbreakwell.substack.com/p/my-huge-loss…
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer? Me: Fine. But you can't spray your sisters. 8: Never mind.
My next newsletter comes out tomorrow. In the meantime, you can still read the one from last week. jamesbreakwell.substack.com/p/the-real-cos…
My next newsletter comes out tomorrow. In the meantime, you can still read the one from last week. jamesbreakwell.substack.com/p/the-real-cos…
The Dad @thedad
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@steveolivas @XplodingUnicorn Can't wait! SO glad you're still here to do more episodes!! 😃😊❤️🩹
Mrs Steve taking the tractor to mow toward the back of our property. I’ll be recording Wrong & Wronger with @XplodingUnicorn to detail the heart attack and surgery. I haven’t told the story much. Should be interesting.
Just sneezed. First time since open heart surgery. Honestly, it was only 13% more painful than death.
Hasn't been a good controversy on this website in a while, thinking of tweeting a photo of my kids strapped into their carseats.
since we all have so much more time since we bailed on baseball years ago you should definitely grab my new Macho Man biography enjoy the trailer: x.com/Jon_Finkel/sta…
🗣️WATCH: THE MACHO MAN BOOK TRAILER PREMIERE The ONE trailer that's the tower of power too sweet to be sour! The ONE trailer better than a cuppa coffee in the big time!! The ONE trailer that's the Cream of the Crop!!! Sound UP! Watch. Order. Share. Link in next post.
@XplodingUnicorn @steveolivas We need Wrong and Wronger!
Took Benedryl again last night. Slept almost 8 hours. I feel like I’m using a cheat code instead of playing the game with integrity.
There be Beats and Beasts in Denver.
Mrs Steve won a raffle for a giant basket of goodies at the butchering class today. One item she found inside was “giant spicy beef stick.” I mentioned that was my nickname in college. Anyway, I’m sure her laughter was meant in the most respectful way possible.
Tied my own shoes this morning. That might be the last self-care box to be checked. #CABG
This is the smile of a moron… A moron who showed up at 7AM to a park to run a 5K on the wrong day at the wrong time… BUT… Incredibly there was another charity 5K race at the same park. So I registered 15 minutes before the start & took 2nd in the 45+ age group. Ha!
ATTN: Pedro Pascal has just knocked Bud Cort out of the top spot for the most famous person I've ever seen at the grocery store.
Somebody pooped on the floor while we were out at cardiac rehab. My gut tells me it was the dog—but he seems awfully nonchalant about it.
Protein shake on the porch. Loading up, as rehab starts tomorrow.
Mrs Steve has vowed to NOT put seed out for a few days— Because the birds on Rattlesnake Ranch are psychopathic deviants.
Found out my left boob is numb because they had to “scrape” the mammary nerve when they “harvested” my left internal mammary artery (LIMA), I think. I mean, I sort of blacked out halfway through her grisly explanation.
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