FreeRangeMattress @free_mattress
Father of 1 teenage 6 year old, and now introducing a baby. https://t.co/tvZy5jQ1lK. Avi by @Invisichad, header by @BucMarvin twitter.com/search?q=from%… Joined February 2020-
Tweets18K
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Followers2K
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Following1K
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Likes24K
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
One time in undergrad I put off writing a paper until the day it was due and I woke up at 4 am and wrote 15 pages in one sitting, and it turned out totally fine and I got good feedback. It's the worst thing that ever happened to me and I wish I could go back in time and undo it
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FreeRangeMattress retweeted
Sorry I was late I was refilling my purse Ibuprofen with my bathroom Ibuprofen.
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
Earth day is just a made up holiday to sell more planets.
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
Typing “general bad vibes” into WebMD.
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
If I was a ghost I wouldn’t wear a sheet, I would get a shower curtain so it would protect me from the elements
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
new t*ylor album review
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
when i die i want hotdog rollers installed in my casket so i'm just slowly rotating throughout the funeral
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
updating my dating profile
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
Discovered this masterpiece by my 7yo and I can’t tell you how proud I am to find her translating profanities Swedish Chef-style 🥹
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
you know its bad when people start telling you you are the strongest person they've ever met
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
too many generic kid names like "chris" and "jake" out there. if i had a son i'd name him something bad ass. like "the shovel"
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
me eating a handful of cereal as a late night snack like
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
I love my little cat i wish he could wear sweatpants or drive a car but it’s okay that he can’t. Like it’s fine
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
Venmo me $100 and I’ll return the sun.
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
If he invites you back to see his “meat castle” run as far away as possible, and then keep going
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
you win some and you lose some and you lose some and you lose some and you lose some and you lose some and
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
april the 5th be with u
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
If you go for a walk while eating a donut, the calories don’t count.
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
*maintains eye contact while eating an apple with the sticker still on*
FreeRangeMattress retweeted
This is the best April Fools I made that I also stole from somewhere. Put a this in the office bathroom. There was ketchup inside. Curiosity got everyone. They could only blame themselves.
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One time in undergrad I put off writing a paper until the day it was due and I woke up at 4 am and wrote 15 pages in one sitting, and it turned out totally fine and I got good feedback. It's the worst thing that ever happened to me and I wish I could go back in time and undo it
Sorry I was late I was refilling my purse Ibuprofen with my bathroom Ibuprofen.
Earth day is just a made up holiday to sell more planets.
don't mind me just trying to figure out compression settings
If I was a ghost I wouldn’t wear a sheet, I would get a shower curtain so it would protect me from the elements
overheard a drunk guy in the park with his buddies say “well it’s a dog shit dog world” and unfortunately, like the monster from It Follows, that phrase has now been passed on to me, and i dont know how i can ever be rid of it. it’s a dog shit dog world
when i die i want hotdog rollers installed in my casket so i'm just slowly rotating throughout the funeral
Discovered this masterpiece by my 7yo and I can’t tell you how proud I am to find her translating profanities Swedish Chef-style 🥹
you know its bad when people start telling you you are the strongest person they've ever met
too many generic kid names like "chris" and "jake" out there. if i had a son i'd name him something bad ass. like "the shovel"
me eating a handful of cereal as a late night snack like
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If he invites you back to see his “meat castle” run as far away as possible, and then keep going
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