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Tweets8K
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Followers2K
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Following2K
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Likes11K
I just did the loudest sneeze ever. I must be a dad now! Reaching out to all my former partners to find out which one has had a baby.
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Gal Gateaux retweeted
It’s not a true driver’s license picture unless you look like all the happiness has been sucked out of your soul.
When Maybeliene say “maybe she’s born with it” They’re concerned I have a wasting disease that warrants shade “0.0001 - Victorian orphan”
Gal Gateaux retweeted
Tried to say I was going to turn off my camera but instead it came out as I’m going to face-mute myself
It’s a very delicate system. Even if I catch-up on laundry, I don’t have enough storage for the pile of clean clothes, so we’d be no better off than when we started. - Me, on the couch, not doing laundry.
When you tell grandma you booked Magaluf with the boys.
Gal Gateaux retweeted
whole foods but i can only afford half foods in this economy.
If cows don’t know we call them cows, what do they think we’re saying when we shout it at them as we drive past?
You know when you borrow someone’s lip balm and people say it’s like you’re kissing? So, when people use the toilet right after each other…?
Gal Gateaux retweeted
My son (8), after a coughing fit: “What did I ever do to you, mouth?!”
Gal Gateaux retweeted
• PODCAST TWEET CALL • Send us UP TO 3 TWEETS MAX about PODCASTS. Likes, Retweets, etc. Winners will be 🏆’d later. Ends at 6PM EST. ✨ Judges and tweets below: @meantomyself @toomanycommas3 @RiotGrlErin
A relationship podcast, but it’s just me practicing for arguments that might happen with my ex.
Gal Gateaux retweeted
Paint me like one of your French girls *seductively inhales baguette*
Gal Gateaux retweeted
“Great minds think alike” So do stupid minds
I’m not sugar, spice and everything nice. I’m cheese, cheese and a 3rd kind of cheese.
The Labradoodle implies the existence of the Labraoilpainting.
In reality, most people tumble out of bed and fumble to the bathroom.
Me: Opens a file. PowerPoint: Do you want this one from last week? Me: No, just this one thanks. PP: Or how about these 7 from January. Remember these? Me: What about the one I clicked on? PP: Huh? No idea, try again.
Gal Gateaux retweeted
there’s a huge lack of pies on windowsills these days if you ask me.
Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal
59K Followers 983 Following Wife of a guy. Mother to spawns. Sugar glider in my bra. Parenting cautionary tale. (she/her)
Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbol
.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin
55K Followers 3K Following • goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •
President Warren G. H.. @PopeAwesomeXIII
13K Followers 2K Following Commercially Inviable. ✌️ 29th US President (1921-1923) 🧐 Tip jar! https://t.co/Igf16XkzWv ❤ He/Him 👍 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏴☠️ ❤️ See pinned for migration info
mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.
Saint Vivica, Patron .. @QueenVofCoffee
18K Followers 2K Following DM Room cheerleader & typo goddess. 56% funny. TH: @Conchvegas1 . Avi by ToonMe. Header: @dimplesticks. https://t.co/dRgjRopfud
SneezingWithWetMascar.. @WetMascara
20K Followers 2K Following Yes, THAT Thanksgiving tweet. My Faves: https://t.co/90HdOEinlH Recent Tweets in Link Below.
ADHDean @ADHDeanASL
23K Followers 5K Following BLACK LIVES MATTER. Husband, dad, friend. Ally. ASL Interpreter. Doofus. Midvale School for the Gifted alum. Mastodon: [email protected]
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness
16K Followers 2K Following Domesticated Husband Father of 2 Ransacking Raccoons.Featured on @netflixfamily @buzzfeed @thedad IG @Chhapiness Shows & Inquiries-https://t.co/F6Q2TKOV1M
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Jason Not Evil @JasonNotEvil
17K Followers 4K Following Screenwriter and fart joke enthusiast Popular tweets: https://t.co/cVlfPJFRBK
Matty @bestestname
13K Followers 6K Following Twitter is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you.
Fomo Simpson @HaliPhacks
8K Followers 3K Following Keeping it funny on Twitter since its early days as a radio show. My tweets ➡️ https://t.co/Z2tnWjzeDx
snacky 🫧 @candyflippin
6K Followers 3K Following there's more to the world than what i see.. there's more to my life than my eulogy
He Called Me Greenhor.. @WhatsAGreenhorn
9K Followers 3K Following He called me Greenhorn. I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.
Sima Allenbach @AllenbachS10656
44 Followers 5K Following
Ayat Rollin @ayat_roll
75 Followers 5K Following
Dione Gerstenberger @DioneGerst89522
34 Followers 5K Following
Delilah Josich @DelilahJosi
60 Followers 5K Following
Rebecca Rell @rebec_rell
16 Followers 3K Following
Lora Seara @lora_sear
27 Followers 5K Following
Tisa Humpert @TiHumpert
55 Followers 5K Following
Virgie Gulyas @GulyasVirg57547
17 Followers 3K Following
Zaynab Loreman @LoremaZay
70 Followers 5K Following
Esmee Donaho @donah_esm
28 Followers 5K Following
🇺🇦Gnome de Guer.. @Gnome_DeGuerre
1K Followers 3K Following I enjoy overthinking and worrying about things over which I have no control. Neil Gaiman retweeted me. Formerly @ryno_san. RN. #Sober φιλόμαστος now on b sky
Farrah Dulay @DulayFarr
43 Followers 5K Following
Celeste Bark @CelestBark
60 Followers 5K Following
Fallon Menches @fall_mench
71 Followers 5K Following
mamadou Jallow @camara_abd19993
32 Followers 425 Following
Latex coach @CoachLatex6857
106 Followers 664 Following
Florence Wilk @WilFloren
41 Followers 5K Following
Tifany Kerins @KerinsKer
48 Followers 5K Following
Isabel Balentine @BalentineI11823
80 Followers 5K Following
Liana Bryngelson @Bryngelson96062
87 Followers 5K Following
Natalie Greenup @NataGreenup
58 Followers 5K Following
Earline Byrley @earlin_e
90 Followers 5K Following
Mark Powell @MarkPowell40164
438 Followers 5K Following
Melody Molleda @MolleMelo
15 Followers 3K Following
Storm Tyrrell @StoTyrr
79 Followers 5K Following
Callie Ehlers @ehl_calli
72 Followers 5K Following
Anabia Blemel @ABlemel80695
65 Followers 5K Following
Charlott Blandy @CharlBla
77 Followers 5K Following
Starla Kummerow @starl_kummer
70 Followers 5K Following
Funny Snarky Humor @FUNNYsnarkyJOKE
9K Followers 2K Following I like 2 make light of things 2 brighten up a dark world. #funny #humor #satire #snarky #memes #humour #hilarious
Emilee Spillman @EmileeSpill
71 Followers 5K Following
Laura Thompson @LauraThomp46049
40 Followers 2K Following
Dorthey Catoe @dort_ca
77 Followers 5K Following
Henrietta Rosenberger @HenriettaR39510
70 Followers 5K Following
Dolly Goodhart @goodha_dol
71 Followers 5K Following
Elspeth Coln @ColnElspe
47 Followers 5K Following
Valorie Anderberg @ValorieValor
41 Followers 5K Following
Nadene Gherardi @GherardiNa69895
76 Followers 5K Following
Reevah Fausett @FausettRee
62 Followers 5K Following
Daniella Sieloff @danie_siel
98 Followers 5K Following
Doris Kracht @dor_krac
47 Followers 5K Following
Hortense Pesavento @h_pesaven
52 Followers 5K Following
Jani Harderman @HardermanJ33442
86 Followers 5K Following
Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal
59K Followers 983 Following Wife of a guy. Mother to spawns. Sugar glider in my bra. Parenting cautionary tale. (she/her)
Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbol
.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin
55K Followers 3K Following • goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •
President Warren G. H.. @PopeAwesomeXIII
13K Followers 2K Following Commercially Inviable. ✌️ 29th US President (1921-1923) 🧐 Tip jar! https://t.co/Igf16XkzWv ❤ He/Him 👍 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏴☠️ ❤️ See pinned for migration info
mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.
Saint Vivica, Patron .. @QueenVofCoffee
18K Followers 2K Following DM Room cheerleader & typo goddess. 56% funny. TH: @Conchvegas1 . Avi by ToonMe. Header: @dimplesticks. https://t.co/dRgjRopfud
SneezingWithWetMascar.. @WetMascara
20K Followers 2K Following Yes, THAT Thanksgiving tweet. My Faves: https://t.co/90HdOEinlH Recent Tweets in Link Below.
ADHDean @ADHDeanASL
23K Followers 5K Following BLACK LIVES MATTER. Husband, dad, friend. Ally. ASL Interpreter. Doofus. Midvale School for the Gifted alum. Mastodon: [email protected]
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness
16K Followers 2K Following Domesticated Husband Father of 2 Ransacking Raccoons.Featured on @netflixfamily @buzzfeed @thedad IG @Chhapiness Shows & Inquiries-https://t.co/F6Q2TKOV1M
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Jason Not Evil @JasonNotEvil
17K Followers 4K Following Screenwriter and fart joke enthusiast Popular tweets: https://t.co/cVlfPJFRBK
Matty @bestestname
13K Followers 6K Following Twitter is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you.
Fomo Simpson @HaliPhacks
8K Followers 3K Following Keeping it funny on Twitter since its early days as a radio show. My tweets ➡️ https://t.co/Z2tnWjzeDx
snacky 🫧 @candyflippin
6K Followers 3K Following there's more to the world than what i see.. there's more to my life than my eulogy
He Called Me Greenhor.. @WhatsAGreenhorn
9K Followers 3K Following He called me Greenhorn. I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.
🇺🇦Gnome de Guer.. @Gnome_DeGuerre
1K Followers 3K Following I enjoy overthinking and worrying about things over which I have no control. Neil Gaiman retweeted me. Formerly @ryno_san. RN. #Sober φιλόμαστος now on b sky
Mike Rx💊⛵️🌻 @edlemrx
1K Followers 1K Following 44, husband of one, dad of two, hospital pharmacist, deadhead, music nerd, and fan of the Oxford comma. sometimes it is wise to think backwards ☮️
TwinzerDad @TwinzerDad
10K Followers 3K Following Just a Yinzer completely unqualified to raise Twinzers.
Shopping for Superman @Shop4SupeDoc
126 Followers 614 Following The origin story of your friendly, neighborhood comic shop. We're in our final year of production! Follow us here and our homepage!
Kris @Kaptain_Krispie
16K Followers 14K Following Headstrong and driven. Fascinated by talent and The Arts. usually plays nice.
Gingy the Ginger Quee.. @Feisty_Ginger_6
44K Followers 11K Following The Original Burning Bush.. #NotSoVanilla.. Feisty & Hella Sarcastic.. Part Nerd.. Stealer of Souls.. #FuckingBrat.. Spoil me - https://t.co/UKrXpiXJK1
Regina Spacola @gigirules7
93K Followers 89K Following Author: "Laughing All the Way to the Bank" and "Our Season of Madness" Instagram: reginaspacola Facebook: Regina Spacola
Nihilist Arby's @nihilist_arbys
364K Followers 0 Following Officially, I have nothing to do with arby's. Unofficially, everything is nothing. Eat Arby's
Secia G @Nessa_Star4
8K Followers 5K Following Huge Jim Henson fan, Loves the 80s, Wears Fedoras, A Geek and proud of it! Co-host @TalkieTags via @HashtagRoundup Tues 10PM EDT 7PM PST
Parker Newman @parkerthenewman
11K Followers 7K Following @REALpunknews, Comedian, and co-host of @philmyheartpod. Check out my stand up! https://t.co/oZDfEeZ9Yr
Kim Merville @KimMerville
3K Followers 4K Following
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2
Adrian Podilla @Mr_CoCoNutss
2K Followers 5K Following Just a normal guy who binge-watches Netflix too much,horror-aficionado and Lurker of Twitch.Also be careful I send out way too many cat/dog pics and gifs:)
💎ime St💝re 🐮.. @dimestorec0wgrl
30K Followers 17K Following 🚫21+ • not a bot • 🗑️poster • ☀️ 🌙 ✨ • legal disclaimer: it’s all fake • 👸🏼💅💚
Sarah Colon ❤️�.. @SarahRColon79
2K Followers 800 Following Be kind. Be safe. Be an ally. Enjoy life while you can!!! 🔞 44
Mostly True News @MostlyTrueNews_
3K Followers 4K Following Solving for what's missing culturally. Hint. It rhymes with awareness. And it starts with an ‘f’ ...fairness
BUTTERCUP / 🧈 🥤 @Sabrina420
12K Followers 7K Following Bio this, Bio that 🔞Joints and a** 💨Tits and sass 🌿Sweet and sour 😇👿 I can't rhyme...blah , blah..blah. 🍆Stay out my DM's with your pee pees. 💍& Mom
Stardust @4stardust8
7K Followers 6K Following “All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.” - Edgar Allan Poe
AskAubry 🦝 @ask_aubry
357K Followers 18K Following Curator of Nice Guys™, WTFs, & Trash Takes Submission? DM DMs are subject to the public Buy me a coffee? https://t.co/aMjLdCHVd4 Follow≠endorse Entire TM=TW
Sarah @yogibird09
14K Followers 13K Following girl who loves shoes, makeup, fashion , dresses, 👗💄💅💃🏻👠👛👜💍DM friends only please
z @zziak22
3K Followers 930 Following
Victoria 🎀 @vickyallover
5K Followers 720 Following We wanted to be adults so bad. Now look at us. Just fucking look.
POLY ESTHER @polydamnesther
691 Followers 561 Following IF YOU NEED SOME FREE THERAPY INQUIRE WITHIN https://t.co/GCcRda7XKW
Nova Mote @NovaMote
64 Followers 29 Following
𖤐 𝕭𝖎††�.. @whoknewBitter
642 Followers 480 Following she/her/them/it -Ghoul in the spo0ky shadow of the Full Moon*🧙♂️ 🌕 🖤 #LizCheney4Potus #NeverTrump #PETA #Antifa #BlueWave2024 #ProChoice #ABORTTHECOURT
Mumnipotent Ruler @MumOfTw0
4K Followers 1K Following Mum of 2 under 2 in 2022. Here for the laughs on all things parenting and marriage!
🐝 Bumble bee 🐝 @TheBumblingBee_
17K Followers 2K Following 🐝 I might be funny on the timeline but I’m boring in DMs. And more often than not, I ignore them. 🤷♀️ Married af
Jacana Mommy @jacanamommy
2K Followers 713 Following Professional Mom to 7 kids. Sharing mom life and more so you can laugh with me or laugh at me 😜 Content Creator at ScaryMommy
SexBreakfast 🇨🇦 @sexbreakfast365
2K Followers 2K Following Writer. Teacher. Explorer. Architect. Liar.
Teqi @Needyhelpy
5K Followers 1K Following If yall would act right I wouldn't be here https://t.co/2WfcptjIbF
Leen McBeans ꪜ @LeenMcBeans
13K Followers 7K Following ✨Good intentions, questionable methods✨ Recovering academic. Mother of Dad Jokes. A third fun sounding thing. 🏳️🌈
A Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My posts in this link ⬇️
⊹٭𝚆𝚘𝚗𝚍.. @metickleu
18K Followers 8K Following Raggedy Ann in a Barbie world https://t.co/OgxOrzHKoE #fuckcancer My superpower is battling colon cancer.
Ben Boven @benboven1
3K Followers 2K Following I write romantic comedies and apocalypse stories featuring the tiny house lifestyle. If that sounds cool, you're weird and I want to meet you.
Mike with a U @mikes_alt
148 Followers 117 Following You’ll probably hate me in real life too. Alt of @Parentpains
Arry Pottah🇨🇦 @13murphy66
8K Followers 7K Following Fitness freak: I burn calories by jogging my memory.
☠Êv¡£☠Genius�.. @That_Damn_Duck
19K Followers 2K Following Sarcasm specialist, anti-inspirational tweeter & photographer. Instagram: same name. Check my photos out on Flickr. https://t.co/6jRRWeKpOu
Mark @MarkTConard
5K Followers 5K Following Philosopher, writer, and lover of Oxford commas. https://t.co/HLeQZwhYsK
Brother Ben @SentenceReduced
11K Followers 10K Following #BillsMafia Gooble Gobble, One Of Us... https://t.co/WSm1eoBPQs)
I know everyone is quote tweeting this to talk about the whiny lil titty babies in her replies, but can we talk about how SHE'S handling them? Because our girl is cooking.
A man at a bar mansplained Fleetwood Mac to me
Me: I love french fries French fries: I will someday kill you
Are you someone that can stay locked in your apt or home for days on end?
Surgery is tomorrow. Send me pictures and video of your pets please and thank you. ❤️🩹
My sister is scheduled for her colon cancer surgery at noon today. May the doctor’s do a great job of getting all of the cancer out🙏
@tea_n_cake89 Exactly! I believe they skip the last bits and fool us all.
It’s the two word or three word reviews / testimonials on the book covers that are the most misleading.
@tea_n_cake89 @reminderpls @reminderpls remind me next week.
@tea_n_cake89 You’re setting my insides on fire. - Baking kiln
@tea_n_cake89 @reminderpls remind me to buy picture frames.
@tea_n_cake89 Absolutely! This evening is gonna be so lit! - Lamp
@tea_n_cake89 I know. Life sucks bro! - Vacuum Cleaner
It’s not a true driver’s license picture unless you look like all the happiness has been sucked out of your soul.
@tea_n_cake89 And they’re gonna hang me in the morning 😰 - the Painting
who’s coming with me?
POV: my cat running out the front door and realizing it’s raining
Tried to say I was going to turn off my camera but instead it came out as I’m going to face-mute myself
Having a vivid imagination isn't always good, you might see a litle bit of back hair coming out of a man's shirt and imagine all the rest
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