Dx: Moonstruck @moonstruckinnyc
Here I come, marching to the beat of my own dumb twitter.com/search?q=from%… m’tweets 👇🏽👉🏽 Joined September 2009-
Tweets24K
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Followers5K
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Following2K
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Likes39K
When I was a kid my next door buddy found a whip, a mask and a pair of handcuffs in his parents’ bedroom. For the next nine years we all believed his parents were superheroes.
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Dx: Moonstruck retweeted
If I ever draft a business partnership contract, just know the phrase “in cahoots” will be in there.
Dx: Moonstruck retweeted
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Dx: Moonstruck retweeted
Been saying I need to sort my life out for the past 20 years, starting to think I am not, in fact, going to sort my life out.
Dx: Moonstruck retweeted
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Dx: Moonstruck retweeted
I’d rather drown my sorrows in pasta
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The upside of doing cocaine, I found out my neighbors garden gnome is a good listener.
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I don't need a nap, I need a casual coma at this point
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There’s no “we” in fries.
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canceling plans on a saturday night? you mean self care??
Dx: Moonstruck retweeted
i’ve killed every plant i’ve ever owned but sure I’ll babysit your kids for the weekend.
I never realized that being an adult would entail owning so many containers
Whenever I’m 2-3 hrs late for work, here comes my boss with his same old provocations
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Everything should come with a side of cake.
Dx: Moonstruck retweeted
If you think I’m mean, just wait until I flirt with you.
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if the dress i’m wearing has pockets, you’ll know.
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My 6yo just asked if he could have an applesauce pouch "for normal reasons" so now I'm scared
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Tore a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
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me: I'm not old also me: *realizes the number of meteorologists I follow on facebook is not zero*
Dx: Moonstruck retweeted
My teacher education program didn’t prepare me for being bullied by 10 year olds for having a knock-off Stanley tumbler
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@moonstruckinnyc @deloisivete Well, I knew my mom never threw away a jar, bottle, or plastic container, so, forewarned.
If I ever draft a business partnership contract, just know the phrase “in cahoots” will be in there.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Been saying I need to sort my life out for the past 20 years, starting to think I am not, in fact, going to sort my life out.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
The upside of doing cocaine, I found out my neighbors garden gnome is a good listener.
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i’ve killed every plant i’ve ever owned but sure I’ll babysit your kids for the weekend.
man, be nice in the replies. she reads these
Pirate: oh no, the song of the siren Siren: Eeeooo Eeeooo, beep beep beep AWOOOOGAHHH Pirate: [pulling over]
Cat Rap If you got a problem cats can't solve it Check out your sheets while I loudly vomit Is it mousie? Let me mouthy I put my fang down, bite it and re-serve it Don't pet me cause I'll jump off this ledge I'm trying not to bite your head
Them: Mullets are ridiculous. Rapunzel: Ahem.
Judge: You're being tried for murder Crows: Your Honor, we can prove justifiable caws
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If you’re pansexual, but monogamous. that makes you somebody’s personal pansexual
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