Missy Baker @TheMissyBaker
I write a joke every single day 😎 Instagram.com/themissybaker Los Angeles, CA Joined April 2010-
Tweets5K
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Followers5K
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Following2K
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Likes52K
Bad news, my landlord will not accept payment in the form of free back rub coupons.
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“I’m so sorry. I’m a horrible person. I don’t deserve to live.” - Me asking the server for a side of ranch.
Missy Baker retweeted
A little #MondayMotivation to get you through the day.
At least no one will ever hate you as much as they hate Monday.
Fajitas are such narcissists. Like we get it, you’re hot. You can shut up now.
When I die and my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it skips all the times I tried and failed to parallel park.
Missy Baker retweeted
Don’t start your weekend without consulting the stars! 💫🔮 tinyurl.com/fts63fvh #horoscopes #astrology #funny #weekend
I don't need drugs. I get high the natural way – by cancelling plans.
Financial goals: be able to buy any cheese I want.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Corporations wishing us a Happy Earth Day is like Michael Myers wishing his sister a Happy Halloween.
I wish I loved Earth as much as I love straws that don’t disintegrate in my mouth.
Earth Day, every day… until I have to use a paper straw.
Missy Baker retweeted
Every day is a new chance to fail. 💫
Sleeping Beauty’s had her time in the spotlight. It’s time for a Disney princess who’s a fugly insomniac.
Hey boy, are you the weekend, because where the hell did you go?
Money would not only solve my current problems, it would help me create bigger, more elaborate problems in the future.
I predict the future so you don’t have to. 🔮
I predict the future so you don’t have to. 🔮
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker
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Prosecute 45 NOW! @Ed.. @GeorgiaRitchot1
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The 9th Melbourne Doc.. @MDFFest
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xXSalty DogXx @doggiedogthedog
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princessblockhead @princessblockh1
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Sober Sal @OrginalSoberSal
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Bram @bramfilter
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Elon Altman @ElonAltman
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steve burton @steveburto55776
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Dave Petrishen @TheSportsDoctor
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Ginny Hogan_ @ginnyhogan_
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Slaughter house guy @DanielJPerafan
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nick naney @nicknaney
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gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi
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Alyssa Limperis @alyssalimp
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vikram k. 🤷🏻.. @vague_species
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[//] Professor Hazard @professorhazard
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norah~ small but migh.. @TheNorahEffect
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Kevin Parks @kevin_parks
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Rohita Kadambi @RohitaKadambi
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eefernet @eefernet
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Don Kinderknecht + @DonKinderknecht
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yeahwhatever @altyeahright1
682 Followers 2K Following wait/what “Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.” -Samuel Beckett
Houston Hard Hitters @TXRednation01
2K Followers 4K Following Slime SZN #WeAreTexans #Ready2Reign Rockets Astros 2022 2017 World Champs Longhorns Humor Horror Military Boxing MMA AEW WWE
Starring Michelle �.. @starringmichell
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Ionno Yuno-Yuno @ShootToKrill
353 Followers 389 Following when the devil finally catches me, I hope he’s a little out of breath
CK🐦 @LoveMyScionFRS
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Peter McGladdery @petermcgladdery
819 Followers 5K Following Sitting in the cheap seats at the End of World show. (What views there are here are more mine more than anyone else's, sorry) petermcgladdery on 🟦 sky
Sara Ghaleb @SaraGhaleb
2K Followers 688 Following A very funny person. Co-creator of @BigMythicHunt & @HistoricalHooks. Contributor to @PasteMagazine, @voxdotcom & @them. she/her
Mark Bazer @markbazer
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Mack & Brad Holmes @detroitplair
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John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets
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Jose Guzman, Jr. (he/.. @jangelguzman_
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tacomoose @TXtacomoose
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Richard Burgauer @richburgauer
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FRANK CERENOHOUS @FrankCerenohous
50 Followers 409 Following “Don't let someone else's opinion of you become your reality” — Les Brown.
BIFF WIFF 👕🧍 @REALBIFFWIFF
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therealdavearnold @therealdavearn1
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SoCalRedhead💔 🌊.. @VLF79
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missy bell @MissyBell19
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Jane @Donewithsergi0
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Blather Wince Repeat @xerxesbigboy
2K Followers 2K Following Showing blithe disregard for those who so blithely disregard.
LL Gabagool Jay @JayTorch1031
3K Followers 2K Following 404 Error - Bio Not Found to be Funny or Interesting Enough
swapnu @nairs40
199 Followers 475 Following Single Mom and Working Professional. Raising a boy with humor and love. Obsessed with observing life's little quirks and finding the humor in every situation.
Nathan Macintosh @Nathanmacintosh
5K Followers 819 Following Comedian from HFX now NYC Join email list for upcoming shows and New special 'DOWN WITH TECH' out April 10th on YouTube 👇
Exit Row For The Tall @ExitRow4TheTall
3K Followers 3K Following Airlines should give exit row seats to tall passengers at no additional charge instead of taking advantage of our height for profit. #ExitRowForTheTall
Melon Husk (parody of.. @morganducks
333 Followers 2K Following Do that thing I like. Kindness. Fav quotes: "Things are going to start happening to me now." "Mostly Harmless." "Everything looks bad if you remember it!"
John H. Beers III �.. @Bedlam_Beersie
3K Followers 3K Following I'm the kind of guy who could still be laughing while a federal joint task force raids my compound. CR 5 threat for low-level adventures. Avi by @popartcartoonz
JLComedy @JLComedy
2K Followers 50 Following A real account by Comedian J-L Cauvin to try and undo the damage done to his first account by past and present owners of Twit/X@TheMissyBaker It may depend on how you define “back rub”
Who the delivery drivers see when you open up the door to them is the real you
Life is short. Go ahead and dance to that Hall & Oates song in the grocery store. You know you want to
I've been rejected by women SEVERAL times and not once did I come close to wanting to get violent or anything towards them. I went home and listened to sad R&B songs like a real man
you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
going to TJ Maxx. does anyone need any new clothes and/or gourmet pasta shells?
Ok @DaysPeacock Kristen Dimera is fabulous 👑. She NEEDS a boy toy to do her bidding. So much potential here. 🔥🔥 #kralex
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It's like seeing my favourite band live.
#Days Stephen with Galen on set Via: Stephen's IG #Stayla #StephenNichols
Bo has given Hope many music boxes over the years starting with their first one in 1984. Here is a montage of the music boxes over the decades. Perhaps this time, Hope can use one of these boxes to wake Bo from his coma? Which one was your favorite? #Bope #BringBackBope #Days
We all have our summer bodies. It’s just that summer better than others.
@TheMissyBaker That’s what I say. And instead of a security deposit, a bikini selfie. It’s what they call a Craigslist credit check
@TheMissyBaker What a horrible human being. If he cared about his tenants he’d at least accept foot pics on credit
It’s The Cooligans Birthday week! HBD @chrispolanco! 🥳
Everything has been downhill from here. Bang up fucking whatever.
Sometimes when you’ve had too much to drink on a random Tuesday night you watch the People Can Change/Sloppy Steaks/Dangerous Nights sequence with fresh eyes and it gets you choked up. Science can’t explain this.
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