Rick Aaron @RickAaron
The heat is comin' down and I'm not laughin' twitter.com/search?q=from:… In Your Phone Joined April 2009-
Tweets149K
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Followers16K
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Following13K
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Likes205K
Rick Aaron retweeted
My boss won't quit bragging about his black belt in six-sigma so I was kind of surprised to catch him off guard with my nunchuks so easily
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Rick Aaron retweeted
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job. Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Rick Aaron retweeted
Welp looks like another chocolate cake tripped and fell into my mouth.
Rick Aaron retweeted
Writing shows used to be so easy. You could just be like “This one is about a house that’s full.”
Rick Aaron retweeted
That's it, I am sick and tired of feeling tired and old, so I am putting myself on a strict undereye cream and root touchup regimen
Rick Aaron retweeted
Afterschool Specials led me to believe I would be offered more free drugs.
Rick Aaron retweeted
It was the best of times, it was the eating spoonfuls of peanut butter of times.
Rick Aaron retweeted
In case you were questioning my mental health I just bought my son a slide whistle.
Rick Aaron retweeted
razzle AND dazzle? in this economy??
Rick Aaron retweeted
I don’t know what upset my manager more - that I brought an Ouija board to the staff meeting, or that I asked her to dim the lights.
Rick Aaron retweeted
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Rick Aaron retweeted
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Rick Aaron retweeted
it’s a single burnt nugget on stale bread wrapped in a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed your parents
Rick Aaron retweeted
After The Incredible Hulk completed his anger management class, he felt strange. People would piss him off, but now he would identify his anger and respond in healthier ways.
Rick Aaron retweeted
Open shelving (stylish!) is great if you like dust (skin flakes!) in your coffee cup.
Rick Aaron retweeted
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Rick Aaron retweeted
Inside the trunk of every Iroc Z is a portal that leads you straight to the set of an ‘80s porno.
Rick Aaron retweeted
Tips for improving concentration: -Make a list of tasks. -Take on one task at a time. -Take On Me was a fun song. -Ooh I found the video.
Rick Aaron retweeted
They say if a cranky baby won't sleep, take a nice long car ride... *hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Rick Aaron retweeted
As the enemy's navy arrives, seemingly out of nowhere, Private Kowalski races to warn his commander.
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Don’t know who did this, but I just started a slow clap of admiration …
My boss won't quit bragging about his black belt in six-sigma so I was kind of surprised to catch him off guard with my nunchuks so easily
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job. Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Welp looks like another chocolate cake tripped and fell into my mouth.
Him: I bought those cookies you like so much Me: no, I told you I don’t like the ones with coconut Him: oh sorry *proceeds to eat entire box Rinse repeat
Writing shows used to be so easy. You could just be like “This one is about a house that’s full.”
That's it, I am sick and tired of feeling tired and old, so I am putting myself on a strict undereye cream and root touchup regimen
Afterschool Specials led me to believe I would be offered more free drugs.
It was the best of times, it was the eating spoonfuls of peanut butter of times.
i’ve poorly replaced mariah carey’s microphone with pringles cans: thread
In case you were questioning my mental health I just bought my son a slide whistle.
I don’t know what upset my manager more - that I brought an Ouija board to the staff meeting, or that I asked her to dim the lights.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Out to dinner with my kids. Lady next to our table ordered the "birth control encrusted trout". Didnt see it on the menu, must have been a special...
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
it’s a single burnt nugget on stale bread wrapped in a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed your parents
Every day I’m thankful that my wife has terrible taste in men.
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