WittySassBasket™ @WittySassBasket
the realist bitch at this junior league function twitter.com/search?q=from%… Joined April 2013-
Tweets165K
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Followers23K
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Following3K
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Likes175K
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
“I'm worth it" I whisper as I take a multivitamin for the first time in weeks
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WittySassBasket™ retweeted
i wore a band’s shirt to their concert and they called me up on stage to beat me with their instruments
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
The sexiest thing a toaster can do is have four slots.
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
People with two first names strike me as indecisive.
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
[invention of opera] what if yelling was wonderful
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
About a year into dating my ex wife I heard her pronounce library like lie berry and I can't believe I fucking married her anyway.
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
*pours milk over bowl of ibuprofen for breakfast*
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
My therapist: This could’ve been a text.
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke? Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
I'm in this weird place where I'm too young to die but too old for spontaneous bowling
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
I wasn't paid to educate you people, so I am finished explaining punctuation. Go create chaos elsewhere.
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
Friend: How was your job interview? Me: I think I hugged him too long.
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
pavlov: my hair is so dry dog: should have conditioned it
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
Tom Hanks violated that volleyball
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
"Meet me out back by the dumpster for the drugs" -CVS pharmacy drive-thru
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
cop: what’s this? *holding up a small baggie* me: little sandwich. cop: *narrows eyes*what kind of little sandwich? me: *lowers head* little crack sandwich
WittySassBasket™ retweeted
Every day that I don’t befriend a crow is a day I fumbled.
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dire wolf @ADDiane
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Jack Boot @IamJackBoot
13K Followers 1K Following The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, The Atlantic, Harper's, Rolling Stone. I've read some of these magazines.
inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa
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Wilde Thingy @wildethingy
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Salty MacTavish 🇺�.. @SaltyMacTavish
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jo @whatsJo
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DateDatelineOOC @DateDatelineOOC
507 Followers 127 Following “I did it and I don’t regret it!” Out of context quotes from @DateDateline podcasthusband: look, you’d love this me: oh I do, but I wouldn’t get it because you’d say I need to be able to see out in case— [at the same time]: there was a T-REX!
“I'm worth it" I whisper as I take a multivitamin for the first time in weeks
Wait, this is like I was there and I didn’t even have to put on my tux.
WWYD? Let the fiesta begin. The White House correspondents Dinner in the nation’s capital.
i wore a band’s shirt to their concert and they called me up on stage to beat me with their instruments
People with two first names strike me as indecisive.
About a year into dating my ex wife I heard her pronounce library like lie berry and I can't believe I fucking married her anyway.
*pours milk over bowl of ibuprofen for breakfast*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Leading L.A. vegan restaurant goes un-vegan. 'I knew the vitriol that would come my way' latimes.com/food/story/202…
Oh no -thank YOU bud
I started at Dateline 30 years ago today. It’s been quite a ride. I love the work. But it’s the people I work alongside who make it unthinkable to leave. Thank you all for making it possible ❤️ #Dateline
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke? Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
There’s a lily poking through the dirt in my lily garden and to celebrate I got high.
I'm in this weird place where I'm too young to die but too old for spontaneous bowling
I wasn't paid to educate you people, so I am finished explaining punctuation. Go create chaos elsewhere.
Friend: How was your job interview? Me: I think I hugged him too long.
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