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Tweets23K
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Followers5K
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Following934
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Likes31K
Once I work out how to convert the thoughts in my head into actual, coherent sentences, it is over for you bitches.
Me coming up with the perfect Spanish restaurant/strip club: "Tapass" Yes, now please invest.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Nothing matches the euphoria of weighing yourself a second time with your shoes off.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
The universe is huge, but you make it small
Imagination is the escape hatch from the confines of reality
Parenting is a lot easier when the kids are in school.
You're almost as useful as a leaf blower on a windy day
I hope your last meatball rolls on the floor.
My not answering my phone is helping you to help yourself
There were people that went to see Midsommar on a first date
Being in a good mood is fucking weird.
I GOT MY STATE TAX REFUND GET DRESSED BABY WE'RE GOING TO WHITE CASTLE
The older you get the louder your sighs become.
no matter how many examples that my wife keeps pointing out, I refuse to believe my kids get their stubborness from me
life is short so eat the cake, get the tattoo, punch fuckers in the throat.
Karen at KFC… or Whiner, whiner, chicken diner.
Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsnd@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfK.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin
55K Followers 3K Following • goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link belownice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonzMcDad @mcdadstuff
9K Followers 2K Following I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. https://t.co/bbtLUiYKKg Find more of my tweets here ⬇️natalayhehoo @highprobably1
38K Followers 3K Following This is not the profile you’re looking for. Gemini and Vol for life. Taken not stirred.Katie D @KatieDeal99
16K Followers 2K Following Bios are hard. On Instagram as katiedeal99 https://t.co/iMruSPyTavI Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇𝐀 𝐌 𝐀 𝐍 �.. @littlegiinge
66K Followers 18K Following I'm a silly kinda weird.. Coffee please? -`ღ´- https://t.co/OMVnn385QHOne Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 942 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohjmom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.Lottie-pop 🍭 @Lottie_Poppie
28K Followers 3K Following Tattooed mum & coffee enthusiast. Living life from one snack to the next.tazz @noneofyours99
85K Followers 46K Following Army Veteran, atheist, here to share some laughs, it's the universal language I ❤️Animals #supportmentalhealth squirrel mama ,wildlife rescue 🔥Memphis🔥S̲uper H̲uman A̲ut.. @_indica_sky
45K Followers 2K FollowingA Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My posts in this link ⬇️Saint Vivica, Patron .. @QueenVofCoffee
18K Followers 2K Following DM Room cheerleader & typo goddess. 56% funny. TH: @Conchvegas1 . Avi by ToonMe. Header: @dimplesticks. https://t.co/dRgjRopfudjulius7077 @yunuswahyu27274
135 Followers 681 FollowingBugs @Bugs985
10 Followers 139 FollowingMr. Giggles @MrGiggles4Fun
155 Followers 1K Following A guy exploring the spicy side. The most important erogenous zone is the mind. Wanna-be #erotica writer. 50s | NSFW | 18+ OnlySean Lee @seanlee33
3K Followers 5K Following Find something you love, and let it kill you. #VOTEBLUE, #Mountains,#Horror fan, #Writing, #bluewave #RESIST 🌊🌊🌊 #vaccinated and boosted #fu*ktrumpSuperhappyfuntime @Superhappy1978
117 Followers 1K FollowingAlly 🖤 @mrsmodify
83 Followers 480 Following Mama of 2; Director of Special Education; Starting over peacefullyLeo's 🍿 @Leowrit
0 Followers 11 FollowingDr Vasilije Vujovic @DrVujovic93666
1 Followers 136 FollowingSumon Mia @SumonMi65235982
950 Followers 4K Following I am proud because I am Muslim I love my Allah and I love Profet hazrat Mohammedﷺ and I love my familyPookharaj Khatri @pookharaj
15 Followers 193 FollowingElisha Pius @PiusElisha30943
88 Followers 849 FollowingJim @wambuijim
25 Followers 921 FollowingErin in Paradise @ErinRobHI
3K Followers 7K Following 🌊🌊🌊Let's save Democracy! Maga is a mental illness🤡 My body, my choice! No DM's please!!enis soares @enis_s37958
149 Followers 1K FollowingAlex Faith @AlexFaith696357
3 Followers 93 Following how are you doing? I want to have fun with some girls and pay for it but it’s rejecting my card I’m tired to trying to add it,XKingdollar @XKingdollar
56 Followers 66 FollowingDonald @dapperdon72
2 Followers 575 FollowingCuddables.in @cuddablesin
41 Followers 134 Following Join us in embracing a nurturing journey where every cuddables is an expression of care and purity .#Cuddables #BabyCare #Vegan #ToxinFree #NaturalIngredientsNickolus J Rosetto @_rosetto07
109 Followers 2K Following - Plant Grower - Animal Owner - Writer - Traveler - Space - Random Fun Times👛Handbaglvr👛 @UKWildcatgal
11K Followers 10K Following Female chauvinist. Publicist to 4 cats & 3 dogs. Car enthusiast. Tell your therapist, not me. Put away the questionnaire; I'm not applying. #BBN #F1 #BlueSky♡ Eve ♡ @evecullen610
29K Followers 9K Following gently, touch me with your words (my tweets...my words)© •she/her• #oneforeverSomeone @Someone70537168
77 Followers 855 FollowingRobert Gentry @Drewskieisgame
492 Followers 3K FollowingKesha Hanry @HanryKesha
1K Followers 5K FollowingLasse Tur, Architectu.. @lassetur_a
41K Followers 27K Following Lifelong photographer. From land & sea to people & movement. Artist. https://t.co/gGJ7FRUnuK https://t.co/zo9WPsxKZHTenderWipes @TenderWipesUSA
1K Followers 681 Following TenderWipes are 100% natural wipes infused with an organic and soothing blend of aloe vera and tea tree.erica @ericanextdooor
10K Followers 9K Following making parlays & petting strays • 𝐣𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐤𝐞𝐥𝐜𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞Mouhamadou Diagne @Mouhama95175860
113 Followers 2K FollowingSea turtle lovers clu.. @seaturtle_uk
374 Followers 5K Following 1👉 Welcome @seaturtle_uk 2 🐢 We share daily #Seaturtle Contents 3 🐾 Follow us if you really love Sea turtleBubba Birth @bubbabirt420
279 Followers 2K FollowingRuby Tuesday @KarenPenny1967
214 Followers 932 FollowingLord Lucan @november17
8K Followers 7K Following just here to add more useless information to the internet / sh*tposting #DetroitTechno #AtlantaMom & Dad's Toolbox P.. @MDToolbox
138 Followers 1K Following Subscribe to our MDT family on @YouTube for great parenting tips and content! Our easy to follow videos will help you along in your #parenting journey!Olivia Jane @oliviajane777
115 Followers 1K Following BBW MILF 🌶️ Southern Girl Kinda Weird 🤪 Definitely a nerd 🤓 18 ⬆️ Naughty 😈 and Nice 😊 posts over here CA: $oliviajane777Elon musk @Elon_musk9192
185 Followers 3K Following CEO - SpaceX 🚀,Tesla 🚘Founder - The Boring Company 🛣Co-Founder -Neuralink, OpenAI 🤖Tesla and SpaceX company is over here in the statesUncle Chan @chanforboston
452 Followers 2K Following Links Lizard, Neophyte Writer. The favorite Uncle. Lover of old Barns. Feet in the city. Mind in the Country. Pink Floyd fanatic.Amoori trade @matjazivanez
3K Followers 4K Following Music lover 💿|| Drop out || I tweet ever since || Dm for Ads & PR Follow me on Instagram https://t.co/IUncju5WnpSigh Ops Seth @SighOpsSeth
32 Followers 65 FollowingNadia Malik @NadiaMalik69
2K Followers 3K Following Feminism | developments of the Department of International Relations at National Defence University.JT Kosanke @jt_kosanke3220
270 Followers 2K FollowingMad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsnd@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfK.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin
55K Followers 3K Following • goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link belownice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonzMcDad @mcdadstuff
9K Followers 2K Following I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. https://t.co/bbtLUiYKKg Find more of my tweets here ⬇️natalayhehoo @highprobably1
38K Followers 3K Following This is not the profile you’re looking for. Gemini and Vol for life. Taken not stirred.Katie D @KatieDeal99
16K Followers 2K Following Bios are hard. On Instagram as katiedeal99 https://t.co/iMruSPyTavI Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇𝐀 𝐌 𝐀 𝐍 �.. @littlegiinge
66K Followers 18K Following I'm a silly kinda weird.. Coffee please? -`ღ´- https://t.co/OMVnn385QHOne Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 942 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohjmom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.Lottie-pop 🍭 @Lottie_Poppie
28K Followers 3K Following Tattooed mum & coffee enthusiast. Living life from one snack to the next.tazz @noneofyours99
85K Followers 46K Following Army Veteran, atheist, here to share some laughs, it's the universal language I ❤️Animals #supportmentalhealth squirrel mama ,wildlife rescue 🔥Memphis🔥A Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My posts in this link ⬇️Saint Vivica, Patron .. @QueenVofCoffee
18K Followers 2K Following DM Room cheerleader & typo goddess. 56% funny. TH: @Conchvegas1 . Avi by ToonMe. Header: @dimplesticks. https://t.co/dRgjRopfudPieGuy @ilovepie84
30K Followers 6K Following My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band. https://t.co/JhWCxIXYbKDanimal @DanimalSurly
2K Followers 2K Following Libido Whisperer | Coochie connoisseur | Veteran of the cornhole | 69 unbelievers cumverted since May | Slut for grilled cheese(A)$ke₩ @Askew_74
5K Followers 3K Following [uh-skyoo] out of proper alignment; not level; uneven; irregular; oblique; awry. https://t.co/Gjq9OYnFLrStormyDenials🇨🇦 @paul_court
9K Followers 8K Following not a professional actor, but i play one on tv. tall, dark, and then some. “it’s the least i could do - and i always do my least.” “don’t quote me” #WagePeaceboob-oo-ɾɑҍҍíԵ @StrangerTings5
5K Followers 4K Following Frequently frolicking frantically. Just a small town rabbit, livin' in a sarcastic world.Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly
5K Followers 1K Following eagle trainer. puppy petter. drinker of milk. taker of naps. author. artist. my books available at https://t.co/tNhRJoHok6Drew (some assembly r.. @dmc1138
7K Followers 2K Following if it wasn't for this nonsense, I'd have no sense at all.Tim 🇨🇦🇺🇦 @Qwertyings
2K Followers 1K Following I’m also on: https://t.co/Y2ge6NdsVB My better half 💘 @skedaddle74💘The Deducers 🌎 @TheDeducers
12K Followers 10K Following I’m a terrific guy. https://t.co/5PzVa3Fti3…My name is hey @TheCannaMemoirs
762 Followers 903 Following Humor is life. love dogs. gamer. beer, canna💚, and food enthusiast. here for friends. live how you want, love who you want. safe space. change your perspective🐰 @Clowndro1
2K Followers 2K Following If that is what you need/a cinematic boy like me/who'll come along and set you freeKelly K-Fresh Frazier.. @KFreshDetroit
4K Followers 2K Following Websites (@FITWXYZ & @RenSoulPodcast) | Genderfluid | Detroit Hip-Hop Historian | DJ | Japanese/Joshi Wrestling FanJames asshole Unicorn.. @LordofFuckery13
1K Followers 631 Following Hi, back again to my wholesome self u til main is not grounded.Quintin @Mydaily_Q
949 Followers 2K FollowingAbbyDabbyDoobyDoo @DearAuntAbby
20K Followers 5K Following Trying to laugh through the shitshow that is my life. My tweets in link below 👇Gross Ray @theheywhoha
2K Followers 832 Following Bankrupt 1930s glove tycoon. She/Her https://t.co/DIXA6HFjdaInmate P01135809 @MasterOfFury
15K Followers 8K Following I'm not a doctor, but according to your symptoms you need to tweet that. https://t.co/qVbtavyExmdeath angel @angel_0f_deathx
109K Followers 1K Following pied piper of ass | gym enjoyer | switch ⛓️ MDNI🔞JOHNNY KAUFMAN @pdxjohnny99
27K Followers 22K Following You can learn a lot about a person by reading their bio. https://t.co/PysKNT1bwe https://t.co/7z9w6ijSOI?TattleTaleSister @TattleTSister
24K Followers 6K Following Somewhere,all of the great dead writers are sipping absinthe and doing the jerk-off motion while reading our tweets. @luvpugfdn . Hiker.Runner.CrossFit cultist.stupid® @kik_stupid
4K Followers 4K Following ramblings... born with a golden foot in the mouth! my tweets r just garbage. I'd unfollow me... but then again, I do RT a lot. quite a lot!⊹٭𝚆𝚘𝚗𝚍.. @metickleu
18K Followers 8K Following Raggedy Ann in a Barbie world https://t.co/OgxOrzHKoE #fuckcancer My superpower is battling colon cancer.Ally's Shenanigans @Alisialynne
520 Followers 2K Following A purely instinctual creature. All rage and joy and pain. Make me laugh and I'll like your tweet. Also, fuck all the way off, over there with your nonsense.Bandersnaaatch @Bandersnaaatch
13K Followers 683 Following Sharp and horrifying. (Legally required to tell you that no one endorses these thoughts. Sigh.)tHe debSTeR ❄️☃.. @the_one_debster
2K Followers 2K Following -- understated optimist -- 👧♏️ Also here: https://t.co/n11cNjUNIT and TheDebster on the elephant siteTea Master Kore 🔮�.. @hawkwardhighnes
2K Followers 1K Following Witchy things and tarot 🔮 Engaged 💍🫀Sophia Petrillo of my friends 👓 Occasionally I rub out a poem ✒️Tampax US @Tampax
21K Followers 231 Following Tampax is committed to making period conversation as normal as periods 💙Ivsy @Ivsy01
40K Followers 9K Following drinking slurpees in front of 7-eleven with @The_Getawaygirl My thoughts in a box. my tweets 🤦♀️ https://t.co/0g8VMFzt2kShrek but Irish @IamPhartacus
2K Followers 1K Following am I Phartacus or am I bravely pretending to be Phartacus? you get the idea. we have fun herebaby face hot sauce �.. @iamvkhil2
2K Followers 1K Following i don't know how much of it is sane and acceptable.Jono @whoinvitedjon
5K Followers 5K Following I work hard, and I play hard. Wait - I actually just work a regular amount and I don't really play that much either tbhMental Masochist @SentientSadist
4K Followers 3K Following Ambers love was like a marble. https://t.co/BxpuuWMpVDSmitty @JebTheJarhead
5K Followers 6K Following Former Jarhead - You've been warned... https://t.co/G4i1NOkPenChris Illuminati @chrisilluminati
14K Followers 1K Following Yes, it's my real last name • 5x author • rasslin' fan • I like to lift heavy shitThe Cancer Survivors .. @Echo7Sabers
129 Followers 93 Following I have stories. More than I asked for. Yet not afraid to share and learn and love.I Don’t Know Her @urnxtexwife
1K Followers 377 Following “She was a goddess of torment and understood the eloquence of violence”Loving Soul Amazing H.. @bigheartDSoul
2K Followers 2K Following I'm a sarcastic smartass. the smart part is silent writer of erotica I also do MMA https://t.co/MFn1pJkmCVi want to invent shapewear that you peel off like a babybel cheese.
Me to myself in the mirror in the morning: you can do hard things Me to myself when I encounter the smallest inconvenience: well fuck
*late for school* me: how’s it going with getting your shoes on 6yo: don’t ask
i sling shoot my bra across the room signalling the end of another business day.
Never give up on your dreams . . . keep sleeping . . .
"I'll let you know" - me about to disappear for 10 years
Once I work out how to convert the thoughts in my head into actual, coherent sentences, it is over for you bitches.
I'm not so much ha ha funny as "Lets open the DSM-5" funny
Newsflash: Women can open pickle jars.
talking to some people is like helping a constipated pigeon
I miss the 90's when I wore my No Fear t-shirt, and meant it.
When Polly Pocket wears a dress she shows a little leg. Two actually.
Sometimes I like to take baths because it’s really hard to eat nachos in the shower
I'm proud of all the forest fires I've prevented
Me coming up with the perfect Spanish restaurant/strip club: "Tapass" Yes, now please invest.
Magazines cheaper than books? In this economy?
Some people are just not worthy of your retweets.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.