Chris Illuminati @chrisilluminati
Yes, it's my real last name • 5x author • rasslin' fan • I like to lift heavy shit linktr.ee/chrisilluminati New Jersey Joined August 2008-
Tweets43K
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Followers14K
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Following1K
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Likes28K
Anyone else feel like this game is gonna be rainout and that first inning was all for nothing? #phighting #phillies
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Chris Illuminati retweeted
Exactly this 😅
PEOPLE WITHOUT ADHD: "The sun is shining. The birds are singing. People are cutting the grass. Kids are playing. What a great day!" PEOPLE WITH ADHD: "It's too damn bright. The birds won't STFU. The lawnmowers are giving me anxiety & those kids keep screaming. This blows."
I can't keep up with all the school gossip my 11 y.o. tells me, so this weekend, we're learning Powerpoint
Chris Illuminati retweeted
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where's the fun in that?
Chris Illuminati retweeted
Me in my 20s: how much drugs is too much drugs? Me in my 30s: can I overdose on ginger???
“CM Punk is an selfish asshole. Only cares about himself. A locker room cancer and full of himself.” Oh and here he is laughing and signing a sign for a fan….
Chris Illuminati retweeted
“I’ll just wing it,” is the dumbest thing I say regularly.
Chris Illuminati retweeted
I would do literally anything to lose 5 pounds right now except change my diet or increase my exercise.
Only Chris Jericho would post his congratulations speech to Swerve on his social media page. No one loves “The Ayatollah of Non-Disclosah” more than he loves himself. tiktok.com/t/ZTLmAs99h/
Person: "I love person celebrity X. I've loved them forever." Celebrity X says one thing person doesn't agree with (on a completely random topic.) Person: "F**k person X!!!! What a piece of shit. How dare he/she not be the person I dreamed of. I hope they die."
Anyone else see an uptick in “thank you for your order/here’s the invoice” spam mail or am the lucky one?
Mike Wilbon on PTI talking about Roman Gabriel “what other great QB wore 18?”
When that one aunt outdrinks everyone at Thanksgiving
Matt Hardy complained about AEW and creative and his ideas not being heard and showed up in TNA as a gimmick that got stale ten years ago
Dear wrestling announcers, You don’t have to say “are you kidding me?” whenever someone shows up or debuts. Thx
The thing I love about the Sixers announcers is that the team has never committed any foul, ever
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Adam @adamgreattweet
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Jessie @mommajessiec
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Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
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Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
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FOLLOW THE LIGHT💡�.. @LOVEYOURS_____
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Illuminati Church Off.. @church5812
32 Followers 331 Following 🔺👁️🔺THE ILLUMINATI BROTHERHOOD 🔯 You are welcome to the ILLUMINATI BROTHERHOOD, am MR SHADRACH your grend master, CALL ME 0535257832
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LUCK-SOMNIX-DIABLO IL.. @DeltaIlluminati
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I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
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mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
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Mommeh Dearest @mommeh_dearest
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A Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My incessant ramblins in the link below ⬇️
nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following She may not look like much but she can catch a man, said someone trying to insult me. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonz
Twinstant Family | Li.. @twinstantfamily
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C H E L B! 🌭 @chelbb_
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Heather Hindin @hlh827
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Rolli @rolliwrites
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Tiela 🎙 @TielaKegs
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Priscilla @itsPKav
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Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2
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Susan Wenograd @SusanEDub
10K Followers 2K Following 20+yrs of marketing 🤓, 40+yrs of sass 💁🏼♀️ . Paid media fossil and crusader, with a side hustle of handmade candles and bath/body products.
Carolyn Parkhurst @CParkhurst1
2K Followers 3K Following NYT bestselling author of four novels: The Dogs of Babel, Lost & Found, The Nobodies Album & Harmony. Plus that Eloise piece from the New Yorker.
Jon’s ≈ The Mind .. @TheMindOfADad
362 Followers 69 Following Saying Out Loud The Things That Go Through A Dad’s Head. Instagram- @TheMindOfADad
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776 Followers 63 Following • Preston • Wife & SAHM to three kids four & under Mommy meme maker ➡️ Follow https://t.co/N9MtH7JIWR
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2K Followers 1K Following gold jacket, green jacket- who gives a shit?
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2K Followers 3K Following Baseball fan (Twins), husband, father/foster Dad with special needs kids. CPA & Fantasy Baseball. PC Juan Soto| Buxton| Yunior Severino| Alex Kirilloff
GinaLynn @GSand410
451 Followers 2K Following Wife 💍 Mom 👨👦 Therapist 👩🏻🏫 co-host Pass The Potatoes Podcast 🕵🏻. I like funny stuff. I hate unfunny stuff.
Kweenkwerke @kweenkwerke
160 Followers 164 Following @Nickswardson reposted my memes. Napping in a cubicle. Lover of 90’s pop culture, liquor, lashes, and naps. Follow on IG
ablogwasborn @ablogwasborn
574 Followers 249 Following Stay-at-home-mom | Mother of boys | Sometimes witty | A little sarcastic | More comedic takes on IG
𝙴𝚗𝚗𝚞𝚒 .. @blueeyesgreene
12K Followers 3K Following let's get out of here ☁️: https://t.co/FXCn4TBLu7 more tweets @ link ⤵️
Mrs.O @ordinarymayhem
4K Followers 5K Following A bio or something. 🪧 Mostly Peace, Love & Light! A little Go Fuck Yourself.✌💙 Ordinarily Average, Outstandingly Awkward💋
Jacana Mommy @jacanamommy
2K Followers 712 Following Professional Mom to 7 kids. Sharing mom life and more so you can laugh with me or laugh at me 😜 Content Creator at ScaryMommy
Eric, just Eric @EricAngevine
718 Followers 2K Following Colorado born, Kansas raised, now in Virginia. Author of Hinkle Fieldhouse: Indiana's Basketball Cathedral.
Dr. Gurp Gurpenheimer @nodata4u
2K Followers 2K Following Probably not here anymore. Bluesky: @wanksy.bsky.social
I don't care if it's not quite a cutter and not quite a slider, you CANNOT sincerely be calling it a slutter
And Now we have the best record in the MLB let's go Phillies
I cannot stress this enough, I will never have the urge to use a hotel's complimentary gym when I'm on vacation.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
people that invite you over for dinner and don’t have the food ready by 7pm, are not your friends.
Sometimes a dad has to relax bro.
Sometimes I say things that would make my dad proud. Like the time I told my dentist he talked like a man with a paper ass.
If you ever see me being weird and start to worry, don't. I AM weird. This is actually normal for me.
The amount of my spit I randomly choke to death on for no reason is getting out of hand.
A clown car but it’s just my child pulling rocks out of his pocket.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where's the fun in that?
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube. Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Me in my 20s: how much drugs is too much drugs? Me in my 30s: can I overdose on ginger???
It’s really nice and maybe a little sad how a little slice of cheese can really change the course of my day
You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me.
my mom sent me this photo we took at the helen keller museum and i apparently said we shouldn’t smile bc it would be wrong to smile about helen keller lmaoooooooo the drama
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