MATT RUBY @mattruby

Comedian. New special BOLO out on YouTube now. Also: Writer of the Rubesletter and Funny How newsletters. Link below... 👇 mattruby.substack.com Get my newsletter ➡➡➡ Joined June 2008

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

12 hours ago

Another great Trump line. On Kristi Noem shooting her dog:

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

14 hours ago

Being out of fashion with words is way worse than clothes. No one calls you hateful and tries to cancel you because you still think it's fine to wear bellbottoms.

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

16 hours ago

My only reaction to every Piers Morgan clip is "This is too many people on the screen at the same time."

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

17 hours ago

Dear tourists, don't they have ice cream wherever you come from? The insane lines outside every gelato place in NYC always boggles my mind.

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

20 hours ago

Beloved and believed are close for a reason.

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I miss small talk. We used to say “I'm fine.” Now it's "Let me tell you about my trauma." We went from the weather to climate change. We went from traffic to sex trafficking. It's all too much. Bring back "Mondays! Ugh!"

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

23 hours ago

The way the world endlessly hates on Israel's existence merely convinces Jews how much they need Israel to exist. It's like the Chinese finger cuffs of geopolitics.

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

2 days ago

"The world was better when comedians pretended to be idiots instead of intellectuals. It’s tough for the clown to do double duty as the pundit too." 👇 funnyhow.substack.com/p/irl-crowds-d…

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

2 days ago

Exchange smartphone passcodes instead of wedding vows. Then I’ll really believe you're soul mates.

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

2 days ago

Always thought there shoulda been a heavy metal band called Ümläüt

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

2 days ago

Y’know how we’re always talking about Hollywood relying too much on existing IP? We should save some of that energy for how bands keep touring on “x years anniversary of (insert album).” It’s all art bathed in nostalgia for audiences too scared to take a chance on new stuff.

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

2 days ago

Dessert people need to settle down with how naughty they think dessert is. Sinful truffles, death by chocolate. to die for cake, etc. It all just makes me think you're not getting laid.

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

3 days ago

Fashion is gay men trying to manipulate women as much as straight men do. Straight men try to get in women's pants, gay men try to sell them those pants.

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

3 days ago

A bald spot is worse than a shaved your head. But love handles are better than being obese. I think it’s the name. “Love handles” sounds aspirational. That’s why bald spot dudes should say they have “alpha scalp.”

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

3 days ago

Identity is at war with duality. And we need opposing views. Mom/dad, left/right, men/women, yin/yang. The only path to balance involves giving equal weight to both sides.

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

3 days ago

The most unbelievable part of Top Gun is the idea that Tom Cruise would be able to spike a volleyball.

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

4 days ago

“The worst part of thankless jobs is no one thanks you.” -Lorne Michaels

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

4 days ago

Parents never stop complaining and also never stop telling you how it's the best thing in the world. It's almost as if hard things are why life is worth living.

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MATT RUBY @mattruby

4 days ago

There are no straight lines in nature except the horizon – and even the horizon is an illusion (it's actually curved, like the Earth). Straight lines are actually straight lies.