maggie @olmsdead
funny friend • 24 • she/her • words in @newyorkerhumor maggieolmsdead.substack.com Joined November 2012-
Tweets10K
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Followers1K
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Following1K
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Likes23K
NEW: Around 100 protesters were arrested on Saturday at a pro-Palestine encampment at @Northeastern University, but not the pro-Israel agitator whose hate speech got everything shut down. My latest for @thedailybeast: thedailybeast.com/pro-israel-agi…
people think i’m a man-hater, and what i want to say is that it’s way more serious than that
the implication of a lot of the jokes about ozempic users is a belief that fat people are undeserving of thinness, that becoming thin is moralized work. the implication of me hitting myself in the head with a hammer is that i will sleep, at least for a little while
those tiktoks that are like “sing along while i’ll do the harmonies” it’s like okay give me a second to get situated first
this is how girls dress now
there is something so dark and twisted about the summer i turned pretty. conrad fisher is like the joker to me.
i’m so proud to announce i’ve accepted a new position as the in-house poet at goldman sachs !!!!!!
(at the base of a coconut tree, bump on my head) god, i wish there was a context for this!
when girls put out new music in spring it just does something different idk what to say
i am at the point of the job search where i am contemplating whether some kind of jewel heist would actually be that difficult
maggie rogers is doing frightening experiments with break up song literalism
finally watched You’ve Got Mail. uh, nobody do that to me, okay?
(confidently) no, that's a self-tolling bell. it tolls automatically, signifying nothing for the hearer. why
you know what would be great? if i could execute a good idea really well
edie olmsted @edieocre
952 Followers 1K Following early-career editor and beautiful girl | breaking news intern @thedailybeast | masters @columbiajourn ‘22 | prev. @newrepublic
charlie @chunkbardey
101K Followers 908 Following here for a good time and a long time. ultimately a comedian. is this helping??? i have a podcast called @ExplorationLive
Zach Schiffman @schlife
9K Followers 2K Following I’m 5’5 but everyone tells me I seem 5’8 / social @curbed @grubstreet @nymag
broti gupta @BrotiGupta
91K Followers 1K Following Simpsons writer Indian women’s humor twitter account https://t.co/5I6PCj7FlM
Car World 🚘🌎 @williambanks_
5K Followers 849 Following william banks of car world, where he was loved - - - - 💟✝️ God first 👆
Cameron Bradford @camerobradford
25K Followers 979 Following Take my hand, we'll weather this storm together.
Lexi @knittingfiendd
482 Followers 2K Following just building my professional network they/them/pnut
Paulita @alejxndrita
592 Followers 636 Following wellesley ‘22 (she/hers) questbridge / LEDA / ponte las pilas 🇨🇴🇲🇽
Alexandra 🍉 @alexandratx
1K Followers 893 Following Very strong feelings about Texas & public libraries • she/they • views are my own
kj @verysharpelbows
421 Followers 1K Following dyke stereotype, little treat devotee, future parent of 3-4 unruly pomeranians
Robert Baldwin @Michael99331439
27 Followers 320 Following
Powerful @Lake56151981319
78 Followers 2K Following I am a lively and cheerful girl who would like to meet a good friend.
@zeusdeus @zeusdeus8
613 Followers 7K Following ThinkOutOfTheBox Realistic in spirit of Humanism in 🆕 Quantum Era. Self-knowledge, Self-respect ...in empathy !We aren't alone.🚫 porn 🚫 any racism🚫DM🚫 137
Langston MacDiarmid @macdtl
56 Followers 59 Following you wouldn't believe some of the things I believe
Tiny Idea @tinyideastuff
118 Followers 85 Following
zamiya @zamiyawrites
37 Followers 204 Following writer w/ words in @faultline_journ, @openmindsq, @themantlepoetry, & more
GravyT @vgravyt
67 Followers 178 Following 🪴Investments from Australia, India, Japan, China, Saudi, Swiss, France, Germany, UK, Brazil, Canada, and US. Follow to be wealthy. 💰Details on Request.
videotapezzz @videotapezzz
52 Followers 115 Following
Mr. Joshua’s Simond.. @JoshuaSimonSays
4K Followers 5K Following is this thing on…? Triple Threat (jewish/gay/bald). I love Trashy Horror/Trashy Humor. he/him/who?
Rachel Lapides @rachellapides
3K Followers 3K Following comedienne & poetess @iowawriterswksp ’25 @swarthmore I am kinda interested in everything unknown to me
Korean @koreancypher860
59 Followers 147 Following
Sharon Miller @SharonMill67369
1 Followers 37 Following
J.R. Youngblut @JRYoungblut
3K Followers 748 Following “perfect teeth and a great attitude” | Writer/Comedian/MatPat Impersonator | He/Him
Tattletale Times @TattletaleTimes
408 Followers 988 Following Your go-to source for hilarious satire news on the chaotic world of parenting. https://t.co/pFbpZ6Lfd1
Grace Charis @Grace_charis11
440 Followers 566 Following Art allows us to communicate without words. It has the power to inspire, provoke, and touch the hearts of others🎨❤️
Я @_breadboi
143 Followers 338 Following what have i been up to? living life. got a dirtbike and been listening to music. im not dead.
Annette "she was robb.. @roseknittingco
327 Followers 4K Following Were you silent or were silenced?
oscar @osc_rou
43 Followers 36 Following
Muhammad Ibrar @ibrar_muha90770
356 Followers 549 Following Follow you back, and comment, like, Repost your post🌼 Follow back lazmi krna h 😊
Drew @Drewsumwalt
142 Followers 367 Following Cornfed Hoosier working as a goldsmith and living in Brooklyn (he/him)
William Payne @WillyjPayne
46 Followers 156 Following Duke and Boston College Law School Grad, Lawyer, Runner, Cyclist, Bball Player, Sailor. Active Life. Philly Sports Fan.
Emma Claire Parsons @emmacspan
210 Followers 790 Following best in-class truck and winner of jd power award
Ash Diggs @AshDiggs_
1K Followers 901 Following Potent Mess 🏝 Host of @getoutthepod 💀 Comedian who’s been seen on @means_tv and in various bars
Dax Harmon @harmon_dax73330
157 Followers 3K Following
shosh brodman @shosh_brod
757 Followers 449 Following shoshial media account of a verbose person doing (she/) her best
kelly cooper @kellyccooper
4K Followers 1K Following 🌝 brooklyn comedy 🌝 @ladieswhoranch 🌝 watch "Message in a Bottle" on @adultswim SMALLS and @hbomax+ The Duchess of Nothing: https://t.co/NV8BrhAEBH
bbqueen's alt/backup @itsngocbui
382 Followers 321 Following writer or something (@newyorkerhumor, @mcsweeneys, @boogiemanja), dakota johnson's personal assistant | newsletter: https://t.co/cqOD3716gB
edie olmsted @edieocre
952 Followers 1K Following early-career editor and beautiful girl | breaking news intern @thedailybeast | masters @columbiajourn ‘22 | prev. @newrepublic
charlie @chunkbardey
101K Followers 908 Following here for a good time and a long time. ultimately a comedian. is this helping??? i have a podcast called @ExplorationLive
Zach Schiffman @schlife
9K Followers 2K Following I’m 5’5 but everyone tells me I seem 5’8 / social @curbed @grubstreet @nymag
broti gupta @BrotiGupta
91K Followers 1K Following Simpsons writer Indian women’s humor twitter account https://t.co/5I6PCj7FlM
Car World 🚘🌎 @williambanks_
5K Followers 849 Following william banks of car world, where he was loved - - - - 💟✝️ God first 👆
Cameron Bradford @camerobradford
25K Followers 979 Following Take my hand, we'll weather this storm together.
Lexi @knittingfiendd
482 Followers 2K Following just building my professional network they/them/pnut
Paulita @alejxndrita
592 Followers 636 Following wellesley ‘22 (she/hers) questbridge / LEDA / ponte las pilas 🇨🇴🇲🇽
Alexandra 🍉 @alexandratx
1K Followers 893 Following Very strong feelings about Texas & public libraries • she/they • views are my own
jes tom 🥀 @jestom
42K Followers 2K Following LESS LONELY 🥀 comedian, horny cherub 👼🏻 writer: ofmd. actor: crush. ig @jesthekid 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️ Less Lonely off-Broadway ⤵️
Langston MacDiarmid @macdtl
56 Followers 59 Following you wouldn't believe some of the things I believe
Tiny Idea @tinyideastuff
118 Followers 85 Following
videotapezzz @videotapezzz
52 Followers 115 Following
Rachel Lapides @rachellapides
3K Followers 3K Following comedienne & poetess @iowawriterswksp ’25 @swarthmore I am kinda interested in everything unknown to me
Dan Licata @danlicatasucks
23K Followers 1K Following stand-up comedian, writer (SNL, Joe Pera Talks With You). i am still in high school Chicago 5/12, Milwaukee 5/14, Minneapolis 5/16, Philly 5/19
Isabel Steckel @IsabelSteckel
14K Followers 720 Following comedian lol [email protected], [email protected]
J.R. Youngblut @JRYoungblut
3K Followers 748 Following “perfect teeth and a great attitude” | Writer/Comedian/MatPat Impersonator | He/Him
pierce @cringe_genius
10K Followers 695 Following elvis meme. yarb sale sign. caleb’s birthday poem. 2020 truthpoint election special
oscar @osc_rou
43 Followers 36 Following
out of context 30 Roc.. @30rockposts
19K Followers 4 Following
Ash Diggs @AshDiggs_
1K Followers 901 Following Potent Mess 🏝 Host of @getoutthepod 💀 Comedian who’s been seen on @means_tv and in various bars
shosh brodman @shosh_brod
757 Followers 449 Following shoshial media account of a verbose person doing (she/) her best
kelly cooper @kellyccooper
4K Followers 1K Following 🌝 brooklyn comedy 🌝 @ladieswhoranch 🌝 watch "Message in a Bottle" on @adultswim SMALLS and @hbomax+ The Duchess of Nothing: https://t.co/NV8BrhAEBH
Henrik Blix @henrikontheweb
2K Followers 502 Following Hello. I'm here trying to have fun online. Writer @TheProblem w/Jon Stewart. Formerly @TheOnion @TheSecondCity Here to make friends!
Tom Cecil @scopgieb
2K Followers 723 Following I’m just a guy who loves a bargain and hanging out. Mentally trapped here
tim (PARODY) @theoriginalbing
152 Followers 396 Following NOT AFFILIATED WITH TIM OR ELON MUSK he/him
martiñ urbano @MartinUrbano
11K Followers 1K Following Comedian. ***SPECIAL TAPING AUSTIN TX @ THE STATE THEATER SUNDAY 4/14, LINK BELOW***
Erik Charles Nielsen @echarlesnielsen
6K Followers 721 Following Comedian, actor, world’s loudest deadpan. Seeking representation/day job/the patronage of the nobility.
IAN @MrIanLockwood
1K Followers 909 Following I make good comedy pop music | Stream Tall Girl | Subscribe to me on YouTube ↓
chloecunha.bsky.socia.. @ChloeCunha
5K Followers 3K Following Comedian, writer, & actor (but only if it's gay) 🏳️🌈 headline contrib @TheOnion @Reductress @AwfMag, @plottwistmag Vespa @thepenumbrapod, Melody @STP_Podcast
Will n. @willniedmann
5K Followers 1K Following let me know if you want to view any tweets +++ @simple__town
The Power of Yep @PowerOfYep
56 Followers 49 Following
The New Republic @newrepublic
180K Followers 2K Following Founded in 1914, The New Republic is a magazine of interpretation and opinion for a rapidly changing world.
Emma Carey @fingerlessgluvs
697 Followers 918 Following freelance writer @esquire @bustle @them @altpress @consequence she/her
chase @_chase_____
12K Followers 1K Following girl writer | associate editor @reductress | writing in @newyorkerhumor @mcsweeneys | https://t.co/ywCjXok4HX | she/her
Union Hall @UnionHallNY
9K Followers 4K Following Union Hall is a 5,000-square-foot bar, restaurant, and live music and comedy venue in Park Slope, Brooklyn.
Sachi Ezura @misstrionics
3K Followers 2K Following Animation @comedycentral @paramountplus. Prev @thegreenespace, Irony Point, https://t.co/3iNm16StSF, IFC. 1/2 Japanese, 1/4 rican, she/her, feminist killjoy, Ellie's mom.
A headline that perfectly captures what’s happening on American college campuses:
former husky reporting for duty 🫡thedailybeast.com/pro-israel-agi…
Armie Hammer in The Social Network
perfect. no notes. a thank you for your service @EdithOlmsted
Hammered at my first Seder, they could tell me to do anything and I would believe it was Tradition
"that's that me espresso" is a perfect pop lyric - weird syntax, a strange way of expressing an already peculiar sentiment, it tickles the brain in a way that makes the hook even catchier - much more musical and interesting than all the thudding literalism of contemporary lyrics
🫡
perfect. no notes. a thank you for your service @EdithOlmsted
washing your hands is amazing. your hands can be sooo filthy but then you wash them and it’s like nothing ever happened. i’m grateful for that every day
Around 100 protesters were arrested on Saturday at a pro-Palestine encampment at Northeastern University, but not the one whose hate speech got everything shut down. trib.al/bIyzlQB
NEW: Around 100 protesters were arrested on Saturday at a pro-Palestine encampment at @Northeastern University, but not the pro-Israel agitator whose hate speech got everything shut down. My latest for @thedailybeast: thedailybeast.com/pro-israel-agi…
sabrina you don't have to work late!! I get you have a grindset but don't forget about work/life boundaries, girlie!!!
my biggest dream is to have platinum blonde highlights and sing the national anthem at a local car dealership
I have to keep my head down and remember why I'm working so late...it's because I. Am. A. Singer.
Yeah lemme just put two matching socks on, okay! Ill go get them from my sock drawer in my fucking ivory tower. Fuck off
this looks like unspeakably stupid, clichéed shlock that will be a tired, lowkey disrespectful to its actors retread of the book club cinematic universe anyway i will be seated opening day with a bottle of ice cold white wine in my bag cannot wait
They haven't seen each other since childhood, but 𝘢𝘭𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 nothing has changed. #SummerCamp starring Diane Keaton, Kathy Bates, and Alfre Woodard is only in theaters May 31.
I want to apologize for my previous comments making fun of the new taylor swift song Down Bad, at the time I did not remember that I have, in my own life, been down bad crying at the gym, everything comes out teenage petulance, “fuck it if I can’t have him,” and so on
My debut novel BEST WOMAN (holy shit) is an ode to romantic comedies, Florida, messy heroines, and messier families. I’m so excited for you to read it!
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