Lovelace @randomlawless

This is my bio. It's no funnier than my tweets. I'm only staying here for gratuitous sexual innuendos and free cookies. Pittsburgh Joined September 2013

Tweets

13K
Followers

1K
Following

1K
Likes

17K

A Southern Man @faultymoonpie

6 years ago

Can y’all wake me up when the world gets back to normal?

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Lovelace @randomlawless

6 years ago

This tweet would make even more sense today than it did last year...

While stuck in traffic today, I happened to glance into the window of a bakery. As I admired all of the delicious pastries, the woman behind the counter started coughing and sneezing. Thank you, Universe… Thanks for the reminder that I’m fat and don’t need sweets.

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Lovelace @randomlawless

7 years ago

@immortal_owen

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Lovelace @randomlawless

7 years ago

There’s now a series of children’s books called “Feminist Baby” and I no longer wish to be part of this world.

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Lovelace @randomlawless

7 years ago

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Lovelace @randomlawless

7 years ago

@StarbucksVente I calmly discussed it and sent him back to bed... but I’ve been LMAO ever since.

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Lovelace @randomlawless

7 years ago

So this morning at 12:30, my 6 year old came into my room and basically asked me if I ever considered going to fat camp. I understand why some animals eat their young.

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Lovelace @randomlawless

8 years ago

@itsDuhleeah I think they lied to me

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Lovelace @randomlawless

8 years ago

So, my latest news is I’m finally getting lucky nudge nudge wink wink. I mean, two people said I’m “going to get it.” That’s what they mean, right? Guess I should have asked who’s giving it to me.

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Lovelace @randomlawless

8 years ago

They’re selling fake camel toes on Wish, you guys. If they’re like sports cups, I’m buying a bunch. Then we can all get together for a party. Sumo wrestling, but with crotches instead of bellies.

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(((R.M. Weiner))) @rmfnord

8 years ago

How can you expect me to believe in the validity of these college admission bribery allegations when there isn't even a documentary about it now streaming?

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(((R.M. Weiner))) @rmfnord

8 years ago

Ides of March: *PORTENDS OMINOUS DOOM* Everyone in 2019: *Doesn't notice any change at all*

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(((R.M. Weiner))) @rmfnord

12 years ago

Stranger: Is your dog friendly? Dog: Don't talk about me like I'm not standing right here, asshole. Me: No.

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SoulBrodeler @SoulYodeler

10 years ago

On account of my prohibitive gag reflex, the only things I deep throat are freedom and *gags on popsicle* nope, just freedom.

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Pepę @007Pepe_Rex

8 years ago

Now that I'm single, I no longer have to worry about getting yelled at for chewing too loudly.

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Pepę @007Pepe_Rex

8 years ago

[First date] Her: Your profile says that you're bilingual. Me:I speak doggo meme. Her... Me: For example, instead of saying, "You're gorgeous," in doggo you would say, "You're doing me a like, doggorina." Her: I'm gonna leave now... Me: You're doing me a sad, fren.