A Southern Man @faultymoonpie
https://t.co/L1gIwgHGIT Joined January 2012-
Tweets81K
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Followers7K
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Following6K
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Likes180K
If your screen is scratched up enough everything looks like a reply.
Please, please, please use your turn signal when you’re turning but only when you’re turning.
Why would I destroy my liver with Tylenol when I can do it with bourbon.
Call me cantankerous if you must—anything but crotchety.
I can't relate to people who dislike someone because someone else told them to.
Attempting to be a ray of sunshine has just wore me out.
If I’ve never made you smile on this crazy platform please give me time. I’m trying to compete with this seriously screwed up world and it’s harder than ever.
Y’all do know that men weren’t allowed to pick out size and shape don’t you? It’s not an assembly line where you say oh, I’ll take that cute little one over there in the corner. It looks lonely.
I like the room I sleep in as cold and dark as a politicians heart.
True friends y’all, are the very bestest thing. The ones who make you laugh, sometimes even about yourself. They tell you when you’re wrong but jump in the fight anyway to defend you. You see murder in their eyes when you tell them about a slight from someone.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you can’t love someone back to you once they’re gone but you can love the memories they created.
I watch American Graffiti but just for the cars.
If zombies come, I’m using jazz hands to confuse them.
Nothing confuses your friends more than ordering a different salad dressing. It’s like you’ve changed your religion.
i am almost always thinking about spaghetti
<——- Real person here. Too goofy to be a bot or AI.

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