Festering Rage @Festeringrage
My panic room is in my head. Chicago Joined March 2011-
Tweets2K
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Followers2K
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Following1K
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Likes2K
For sale. 1 ex President. $540,000,000. Serious inquiries only.
I don’t watch the Oscars but I record it in case someone gets hit.
I’m the one that brings my family together. It’s for an intervention, but still.
I just hope that when the State fair is over and they’re packing everything up that somebody fucks that butter cow.
It’s Kentucky Derby time. You know somebody’s getting fucked in a goofy hat tonight.
When I was a kid, all I wished for was legal weed, sex robots, and jet packs. Two out of three ain’t bad. #lifeisgood
I’d be so pissed if I won Powerball and it was only a $20 million jackpot.
The Chinese just figured if they flew a balloon over the country and took some pictures they were bound to get some classified documents.
If you bury a man in a Romper he wont get into Heaven.
Still saving his sobriety card for an epic fuck up.
Nice to see Herschel Walker getting fucked for once.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it cost Elon Musk $44 Billion.
I may not be Mr. Right but I can be Mr. right now, right here.
when I die lock my jaw shut so when they find my skeleton my mouth isn't hanging open like I was an idiot
I’m old and my eyes are bad. So if I reply to your post with a kissy face emoji it was more than likely an accident.
Can you get monkeypox from a greased pig? Asking for a friend.
In his first official act as King. Charles III threw all of his mother’s little fucking dogs off of the balcony at Buckingham Palace.
It was only a matter of time before Prince Charles would kill again.
Tony P. @Tbone7219
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34 Followers 166 Following I'm me, with my random thoughts and nonsense. I think I'm funny so you don't have to.Selena Brenemen @BrenemenSelena
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246 Followers 643 FollowingMichelle 🍎 @michelleDbelle
17K Followers 9K Following I spend my days with the future. | Just here to silently grade your tweets for spelling, grammar, and punctuation. #teacherbuster @marcusbuster
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75K Followers 16K Following writer of dumb tweets, founder of the @LuvPugFDN for homeless & disabled animals 🐾 🐾🐾Instagram: -luvpugpetcare -harrywaddlebottom -luvpugfoundationC’est La Vie @Robert_Beau
57K Followers 50K Following Real Deal ~ Part Time Penis Model ~ Full Time AssholeMarcmywords @Marcmywords2
55K Followers 50K Following Tweeting Live From The Capital Of The Who Dat Nation. https://t.co/92vEozoAvoBöb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
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24K Followers 24K Following All answers questioned here. I’m definitely not a doctor. Partial facts and stuff. I read a book about it.. once.JRGin @GinRumMe
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18K Followers 3K Following I don't care about politics, especially yours. Padres fan.Midcentury Mom 🌼�.. @KristinMount
2K Followers 3K Following Drive safe, honey, and wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident and have to go to the hospital.Cat From Nowhere @kv8
17K Followers 10K Following omnipresent in absentia, perchance frittering my time away on twitter. ok fine, X. .•| sui juris |•.FloatOn🎈☕️ @musicntats
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237 Followers 691 Following Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity. -Karl MarxThink @ProfoundProfane
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35 Followers 142 Following If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?120 Days Sober! This celebration calls for a 5:30am selfie 🙌🏻☕️ #RecoveryPosse
When I got my hair cut last week the hairdresser told me growing out my grey would age me. Fuck that. Why is it ok for men to go grey but not women?
@elonmusk I’ll let Iron Will answer. Take from it what you will, but I’m pretty sure he said, “Love”… #IronWill #DownSyndrome @elonmusk
@elonmusk Orgies and cocaine. Also chicks with a big bush and getting drunk with hobos. I’m also a big fan of cigarettes and sports bloopers videos.
They pulled the plug on Twitter Blue. That came undone quicker than Lauren Boebert’s husband’s pants at a bowling alley full of teenage girls.
If you want the POTUS, any POTUS, *a̲t̲ ̲y̲o̲u̲r̲ ̲b̲e̲h̲e̲s̲t̲*, to control - gas prices - food prices - energy prices - housing prices Then what you're looking for is a Socialist government.
At some point being told education isn't important & your vote doesn't matter, by educated people making voting more difficult, seems fishy.
"I'm the alpha," I whisper to myself as I follow my dog around and carry his poop in a bag.
Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. Much appreciated. Warm, fuzzy, all that shit. 😀
I never know what to do at parties, so I just eat until I can’t breathe and then go home.
My wife brought home “unfrosted strawberry Pop-Tarts”and now I'm giving her a 40 minute lecture on what the fuck she did wrong.
I honestly don’t see an issue with telling a women to calm down
Get married so you can argue over who had a worse night sleep.
What’s up with these brits making a man the queen? Sexism reigns.
I decided to be an atheist and boy are you going to hear about it