fiveandthreequarters @fivealmostsix
Just trying to maintain my record of receiving zero dirty DMs. No, no, don't wreck it! Location? Quit stalking me. Joined August 2013-
Tweets460
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Followers89
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Following293
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Likes351
fiveandthreequarters retweeted
Just heard a song called 'Orgasmatron' and now I know what my name would be if I was a Transformer and a porn star.
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fiveandthreequarters retweeted
God: MOSES Moses: Yo ur on fire God: Yes Moses: Why are u a bush? God: Becau- Moses: Still on fire God: I kno- Moses: You're fucking weird
fiveandthreequarters retweeted
Just starred a tweet I really didn't get just so it would have 667 stars and not be all evil & shit if anybody needs a reverend or whatever.
If you're wondering what's sexier than me taking off my compression tights the answer is "just about everything".
fiveandthreequarters retweeted
A text so confusing you burn his house down just in case.
Ahh, hunting season. When a flash of headlights isn't a warning about cops on the road but a "heads up, fuckin deer parts EVERYWHERE".
Watching naked husband fail miserably at killing a fly. Not sure if turned on or ashamed.
fiveandthreequarters retweeted
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won't fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
fiveandthreequarters retweeted
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
fiveandthreequarters retweeted
Detectives who say 'No forced entry, so the victim knew the killer" don't realize how many times I've left keys in the front door overnight.
Scrolled forever and saw nothing to RT. Try harder, you guys, I can't be writing my own shit!
fiveandthreequarters retweeted
what do you mean this video isn't available in my country? where do i live, narnia?
Back to work Monday after a year away. Mat leave should really go til they're older...no idea how 1 is gonna change his own diaper tomorrow.
Back from family vacay. Can finally access phone without interruption. I'm in the shower. That's normal...right?
fiveandthreequarters retweeted
*1 min plank* *rests* *45 sec plank* *rests* *30 sec plank* *lies on floor forever*
When your kid accidentally nails you in the head with their head and you manage not to scream the fucking house down... Parenting win!
fiveandthreequarters retweeted
Be sure to play the victim when the clusterfuck of your own design blows up in your face. You won't look like a little bitch...AT ALL.
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