The_martinigirl @The_MartiniGirl
Enter at your own risk! I swear so get over it! My partner in crime is @chrisanna4real twitr.buzz/The_MartiniGir… Liquorville, CDA Joined February 2011-
Tweets120K
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Followers30K
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Following2K
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Likes544K
Trust me I can’t believe I figured out how to get back on here either. “Takes another three years off”
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Fun fact: I have six rolls of electrical tape in my garage only because I’m a man.
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Sorry, I only talk to real people.
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How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
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You look like you’ve never recommended a movie to a stranger at a Blockbuster.
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Not normal is not weird. ~An autobiography
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I’m just gonna start commenting, “that’s not what you look like” on some of my friend’s selfies.
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"Well, this was embarrassing." *gestures to my entire life
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If you don’t weigh yourself after trimming your eyebrows then you’re not a middle aged man.
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The best diet I was ever on was called “Just eat the recommended serving size”.
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I make friends the old fashioned way, by striking up friendly conversation with people who have the best booze in their shopping cart at the liquor store.
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What’s it called when you have to scrape the earwax off your earbuds from the last time you used them before you use them again? Asking for a friend
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I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
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My kids unravel toilet paper like they’re giving the big wheel a mighty spin on The Price is Right.
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If this pandemic taught me one thing it’s that life’s too short not to ask for a second sample at Costco
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ohmygoshjosh🔥 @diss_guy_
1K Followers 927 Following I try to enjoy life at all times. If you’re bored, then you’re boring. I’m a king because I married a queen @ihoplollipop . Nice meeting you too.I drove by two sinkholes this morning and actually thought about driving into one to avoid work.
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Not to brag but I induced this haze on myself without even using drugs.
If you don't feel loved change the company you keep.
My wife had a dream I danced with another woman, so this weekend is now shot.
Pizza delivery drivers must have the most amazing willpower.
Was out with my kids just after my 3rd was born, and this nice lady walked by me and said that I looked amazing for having 3 kids, so I thanked her. When I told my wife about it, she claimed “She was talking to me, not you”. So self-centered.
That feeling when you’re done with your kids for the day but it’s a holiday and it’s 7:49 am.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the Christmas decorations won't take themselves down.
At my age, if I have a pain somewhere on my body, it will probably just be there forever.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family? Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me [walking in]: It's cold out. Wife: It's winter. That tends to happen every year around this time. Me: Our love story should be made into a movie.
Friends are people that are Immune to your insanity.
Not to brag, but in my advanced age I can put my socks on while standing up
The best thing to do in winter in Pennsylvania is go to Florida!
I used to think, that's all I've got. There's nothing for me to tweet about tomorrow. I've since realized I have an endless supply of bullshit.
If you’re funny and he starts calling you his muse, it means he’s stealing your jokes
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