Keaton Patti @KeatonPatti
I've written for @NewYorker, @Marvel, @TheOnion, @ComedyCentral, @McSweeneys, but mainly for you, the reader. 👇Check out my bot book! linktr.ee/IForcedABot Joined January 2012-
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I just read the affidavit, and it's insane what Ohtani's ex-translator was betting on.
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This was definitely a New York Times headline I never expected to see.
Is the person who writes NYT's Connections doing okay?
I got a voting guide in the mail telling me how cops want me to vote and it's even crazier than I thought.
Now that The Zone of Interest is streaming, I can finally watch it the way the director intended.
Is he really going after Taylor Swift???
Rumor has it, that living Pop-Tart knew he was on the Epstein list and wanted to go out on his own terms.
Keaton Patti retweeted
Last year we worked with @KeatonPatti to make a bot watch every holiday film ever made and write a holiday film. This year we did it again. Please enjoy the sequel to "Carol's Christmas Carol For Carol, A Woman Named Carol"
Keaton Patti retweeted
We asked @KeatonPatti to force a bot to watch over 1,000 hours of holiday movies and then asked it to write a holiday movie of its own. Then we animated it. Here it is:
The names on the Epstein list aren't even out yet, but the fallout has already started.
wtf is this birthday card???
If you're a fan of Bot Scripts, check out this great adaptation on BBC Radio 4. New episodes coming out the next few Wednesdays. And yes, legally this means the Bot is now British. Just like it always wanted. 🇬🇧🤖 bbc.co.uk/programmes/m00…
I knew he'd get to the Panera lemonade at some point.
New season of Wacky Races looks amazing.
It's about time Panera warned people trying to order that super caffeinated lemonade.
Tfw when you die from Carbon Monoxide poisoning.
Ridley Scott when random people start giving Napoleon bad reviews.
Whacktose Intolerant @MillyTamarez
12K Followers 2K Following Comedian, writer on @datinggameabc, host of @betches_sup pod, @waitwait contributor, creator of: @flexxmag & @dafcomedyfest https://t.co/h0v9b9xzI3
Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert
5K Followers 1K Following comedian — @ucbtny & elsewhere— I love tote bags
Daniel Spenser @DanSpenser
10K Followers 4K Following Title design. Graphics and animation for late night TV (Samantha Bee, John Oliver, Adult Swim, The Onion, other stuff.) Played a sk8er boi on Better Call Saul.
Alexis Pereira @MrAlexisPereira
7K Followers 531 Following occasional troublemaker; writer on Disney’s Hamster & Gretel
Julie Greiner @JulieAbridged
10K Followers 2K Following Writer @tooningout // A Total Switch Show + Self Center @teamcoco // @Clickhole @funnyordie @jurassicpark2go // [email protected]
Dru Johnston @drujohnston
7K Followers 1K Following The @GethardShow. UCBNY. Andy Kaufman Award Winner. Seattle Native. idiot.
Ken McGraw @KenMcGraw
3K Followers 1K Following Actor. Writer. Theme Park Guy. “Amateur hot dog mathematician”- New York Post
Jon Bershad @JonBershad
7K Followers 1K Following Handsome man with many friends. Writer at various places. Previously, animator at @tooningout.
Frank Garcia-Hejl @frankgarciahejl
7K Followers 5K Following Actor, Writer, Comedian, Pansexual half-Mexican obsessed with music and the unexplained
Zach Cherry @zachcherrygmail
10K Followers 2K Following
kate sisk @thekatesisk
4K Followers 746 Following comedian, 🤴🏼 LukeAss, former ⚽️ for 🇵🇷, Comedy Central set out now ⬇️
Lizzy @thedirtbird
3K Followers 2K Following Rory Gilmore had a yellow backpack so I got a yellow backpack
👋🏾 @burncorybur.. @burncoryburn
2K Followers 3K Following (he/him) i play pretend for a living and i’m a MASSIVE #F1 fan 🏎💨 co-host of @TheF1Files | @SAGAFTRA af ✊🏾 @burncoryburn.bsky.social
Peter Grosz @petergrosz
10K Followers 768 Following Don’t Tell Seth 2 Square Goodnight Oscar, The Menu, Veep, Maisel, The President Show, Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, Colbert, Seth Meyers, At Home w Amy Sedaris
Slow Release Glorilis @YoGlo_
2K Followers 639 Following Very mature. Virgo. Hall and Oates Stan. she/her
Chrissy Shackelford @ChrissySh
7K Followers 2K Following face on stages and phones. writer for @LastWeekTonight, previously @ProblemAreasHBO, The Big Fib on @Disneyplus, @Reductress. #WGAStrong
patrick keene @doo_kee
2K Followers 1K Following a cute baby chicken hatching from its egg and seeing the world for the first time
Video_d @Video_d19
0 Followers 2 Following
Tiago Monteiro @theonon
28 Followers 174 Following primeiro eu pareço estranho, depois pareço legal, mas no final eu sou só chato mesmo
Matthew Bowen @Matthew97996686
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Becky Newell @beckynewell2000
245 Followers 423 Following AQHA Editorinchief, mom, furmom, scrapbooker, cardmaker, crafter, house fixerupper
GSong @gloria_spielman
229 Followers 506 Following I retweet only what matters. Dog-Lover, married, Mother, Conservative Constitutionalist I BLOCK and I REPORT sex traffickers. No to pro-abortionists.
Faz3 Mohammed @Faz3m84220251
2K Followers 4K Following الحمد لله الذي أتاح لي أن أعيش اليوم اسمه الحمد
Dustin Price @DustinPrice08
72 Followers 126 Following
Greg Lawson @_gregisin
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orangestars @orangestarbe
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Zukünftige Nachricht.. @ZukNach
397 Followers 2K Following Future News. Strategery Engine predicting the past since 2045; note the timestamps. Mostly here for the Schadenfreude... aka Zoe Mellontikos.
Micktimler @TimothyMickler
222 Followers 381 Following Proud conservative American veteran. Getting old sucks! Retirement ain't so bad though. Why's everybody so angry? Lighten up!
Dany W @DanyDoll05
23 Followers 185 Following
Dr. Jerry W. Roark (S.. @JerryRoark
1K Followers 3K Following Doctor of Religious Philosophy. Owner of Scary Entertainment. Writer. Musician. Lover of all things horror and 80s.
Soph @Sophers927
0 Followers 25 Following
Anzu @AnzuKuta
7 Followers 84 Following ENG/簡單日本語🆗 JasonToddの夢女/Pansexuality/INTP/無言follow失礼します/杂食/低浮上🐟💦
Tango Durango @hypie_hype
43 Followers 131 Following I used to make short form content for the hell of it, then I died. Now my ghost shitposts into eternity. ★★★★☆
Srihitha Sriram @tired_axolot1
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Bill Morgan @billmancolorado
774 Followers 5K Following Just trying to survive living under the Reign of Space Karen. I have cats. billymo (dot) b s k y (dot) social
🌛 ℤee 🌜 @ZeeMuzic321
197 Followers 4K Following ⅁od ⅂ike Recordz - IF I DIE, KILL EVERY SINGLE BLACK GUY FOREVER. Twitter - @GodLikeRecordz - Instagram @ZeeMuzic123 - Instagram @GodLikeRecordzMusic
Rory McCarthy @roryisconfused
5K Followers 5K Following Cool guy! Writer! Copywriter! I post about films and books and nonsense mainly. Working around AI regulation with @ai_ctrl if you wanna chat about that 👀
Daniel Dasher @dash63511
0 Followers 132 Following
Bob Loblaw @bob_loblaw504
78 Followers 1K Following
Blank @YoB1ank
1K Followers 3K Following Jesus is King 👑| James 4:8 (KJV): "Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded."
kingT @kingT
112 Followers 283 Following
Quinn @BlindQuinn
50 Followers 71 Following 21 🩷 VR enthusiast Pro-Choice Pro LGBTQ+ I support trans people 🌹 Unaffiliated in political parties Atheist wishlist below ✨
chloeclipse 🍀 @chllnnplmr
14 Followers 76 Following
fox badger @borsukzlasu
15 Followers 45 Following
inez! @inezpm_
1K Followers 485 Following
Rosemary Hennighan @uhtROE
6 Followers 10 Following
Unexpected_Platypus @Unxpctd_pltyps
0 Followers 20 Following
NitrogenInhaler @MisterHouse8
15 Followers 70 Following 17 | Writer ig | I really like 40k, Dark Souls, Star Wars, LOTR, Fallout, Monster Hunter, JJK, and The Witcher | Pan/polyam | Any/All
Oscar J Burns @oscarjburns
31 Followers 2K Following On the internet, no one knows you're a dog. Not even you.
Nabeel @Nabeel777
75 Followers 169 Following Computer Scientist and Christian. Lots of stuff about me kept inside... spark me up and you'll see!
Deqster @DeqstersLab
193 Followers 144 Following Found the Flying Spaghetti Monster within, reforming others.
KingOfGarbage1987 ⚠.. @ConnorWeek62376
82 Followers 516 Following Commissions and poster requests are always welcome. DM me if interested. plus will literally draw anything asked for free (within legal reason)
Automontway @automontway
64 Followers 319 Following business back up accounts Dm for your ride luxury cars
Jesse @Rage_MastrYT
0 Followers 2 Following
N2 @intoitandout
107 Followers 839 Following Local Professional, Expert at being blocked by losers, something interesting, not real. It/Itself
cara bezukamans @howdycara
327 Followers 921 Following she/her || I found a Reese's cup in the bed and I ate it and that's all you need to know about me || 🧼 soapmaker, maker & graphic designer || BlackLivesMatter
Charlee Jennings @CharleeToombs
4 Followers 78 Following
Whacktose Intolerant @MillyTamarez
12K Followers 2K Following Comedian, writer on @datinggameabc, host of @betches_sup pod, @waitwait contributor, creator of: @flexxmag & @dafcomedyfest https://t.co/h0v9b9xzI3
Daniel Spenser @DanSpenser
10K Followers 4K Following Title design. Graphics and animation for late night TV (Samantha Bee, John Oliver, Adult Swim, The Onion, other stuff.) Played a sk8er boi on Better Call Saul.
Alexis Pereira @MrAlexisPereira
7K Followers 531 Following occasional troublemaker; writer on Disney’s Hamster & Gretel
Dru Johnston @drujohnston
7K Followers 1K Following The @GethardShow. UCBNY. Andy Kaufman Award Winner. Seattle Native. idiot.
Jon Bershad @JonBershad
7K Followers 1K Following Handsome man with many friends. Writer at various places. Previously, animator at @tooningout.
Frank Garcia-Hejl @frankgarciahejl
7K Followers 5K Following Actor, Writer, Comedian, Pansexual half-Mexican obsessed with music and the unexplained
Zach Cherry @zachcherrygmail
10K Followers 2K Following
Lizzy @thedirtbird
3K Followers 2K Following Rory Gilmore had a yellow backpack so I got a yellow backpack
Slow Release Glorilis @YoGlo_
2K Followers 639 Following Very mature. Virgo. Hall and Oates Stan. she/her
Chrissy Shackelford @ChrissySh
7K Followers 2K Following face on stages and phones. writer for @LastWeekTonight, previously @ProblemAreasHBO, The Big Fib on @Disneyplus, @Reductress. #WGAStrong
patrick keene @doo_kee
2K Followers 1K Following a cute baby chicken hatching from its egg and seeing the world for the first time
Caitlin Bitzegaio @caitorade
5K Followers 2K Following writer + comedy person * Hoosier * Dolly fan * hiker * 🐖 * @ucbtny teacher be cool, don't be all uncool
Eddie Dougrou @didgeridougrou
2K Followers 947 Following Back on here after losing interest. Mostly will be for tweeting about Wrestling, Basketball or Baseball so, sorry in advance.
Megan Kingsbury @MgnKngsbry
748 Followers 599 Following
Duke Max “Carnival .. @mynameisntdave
11K Followers 1K Following Sorry, Emily. I had to wait 300 years for a VIRGIN to light a candle. UCB’s SHIZ. Been doing songs too: https://t.co/vGm1kfEPyj
Jackie Jennings @ohhijackie
9K Followers 766 Following Host, writer, funny person. One time I visited Hobbiton, it’s all been downhill since / Fabled Fantasy partner / Host Breathing Fire pod / @jezebel @SYFYWire
Alan Starzinski @Alanstarzinski
3K Followers 1K Following actor, comedian, writer, and taller than @robertdowneyjr SAG-AFTRA strike captain (he/they) IG: @alanstarzinski
John Fetterman @JohnFetterman
933K Followers 5K Following Dad, husband to @GiseleFetterman, and Senator for the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. 🇺🇸
Eastern European Cart.. @EasternOoC
227K Followers 73 Following Soviet and Eastern European animation mostly pre 90's | war sucks 💙💛 | host @redwaytoo | https://t.co/lApL31fOl0
Batman 66 Labels @BatLabels
54K Followers 1 Following Collecting explanatory labels from the 1966-1968 Batman TV series. Curated by @aaronreynolds and @kris__myers
VELVEETA @CheesyVelveeta
36K Followers 2K Following The official account of the official pure pleasure food.
Volodymyr Zelenskyy /.. @ZelenskyyUa
7.4M Followers 1 Following President of Ukraine / Президент України
Yesterday's Print @yesterdaysprint
106K Followers 1K Following A collection of old photographs, historic newspaper clippings and assorted excerpts highlighting the parallels of past and present. https://t.co/J12Ubid7fr
Jonathan Kimmel - Exp.. @jonkimmel
8K Followers 2K Following Showrunner, Executive Producer, Writer and Director of every single one of your favorite shows.
LonelyFans 🇺🇸 @TroyWalkeresq
2K Followers 1K Following Stand Up Comedy. DU Law Grad. Denver Native, Now in Los Angeles. JFL New Face. Writer.
US Consumer Product S.. @USCPSC
171K Followers 4K Following Standing for safety since 1972. Recalls, safety alerts and data. RTs, follows are not endorsements. Official account of U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.
Tony Barbieri @TheTonyBarbieri
1K Followers 96 Following
Asher Perlman @asherperlman
28K Followers 2K Following Writer at The Late Show ⚔️ Cartoonist at The New Yorker ⚔️ Performer at wherever tickets are sold
No Context Chick Trac.. @No_Context_JTC
49K Followers 0 Following @splcenter lists Chick Publications as a hate group. Still, we hope you can laugh at the absurd. We pull from their tracts and color comics. See @JTC_Reactions
actual heathcliff com.. @RealHeathcliffs
56K Followers 54 Following real, actual, unedited heathcliff comics. not affiliated with heathcliff in any way, just a fan. run by @connorclang
Shannon Joy Rodgers @ShannonJRodgers
2K Followers 711 Following Morrissey is my legal guardian. 📝🎭 @jimmykimmellive @theellenshow
Jesse Joyce @jessejoyce
18K Followers 630 Following Stand Up: @ComedyCentral @midnight, Comedy Underground w Dave Attell, Last Comic Writer: @JimmyKimmelLive, 13 Comedy Central Roasts, The Oscars / Emmy Nominated
blaire erskine @blaireerskine
410K Followers 2K Following Writer for @jimmykimmellive. “The woman playing Yaccarino”- @THR. Rep: CAA
Martin Herlihy @martinmherlihy
113K Followers 593 Following Also in a sketch group with my friends https://t.co/6Gaw4SYfsm
John Swartzwelder @JJSwartzwelder
21K Followers 55 Following Comedy writer (Simpsons, SNL), home run hitter (Safeco Field, Cheney Stadium), novelist (all your favorites), and shameless book promoter.
Louis Virtel @louisvirtel
164K Followers 1K Following #KeepIt on Crooked Media, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Wikipidiot
Jesse McLaren @McJesse
1.1M Followers 1K Following Board Certified Comedy Writer. Didn't pay for Twitter Blue, just cursed.
Danny Ricker @dannyricker
4K Followers 751 Following Co-Head Writer & Supervising Producer @JimmyKimmelLive (+ @TheEmmys & @TheAcademy Awards.) Tweets infrequent because I'm trying to live a rich, meaningful life.
Molly McNearney @mollymcnearney
149K Followers 524 Following ep and co-head writer for jimmy kimmel live, emmys, oscars. i will squeeze your baby.
NASA's Perseverance M.. @NASAPersevere
3.1M Followers 40 Following NASA Mars rover, exploring since February 2021. Hobbies: Photography, collecting rocks, off-roading. 🚀 Team HQ @NASAJPL (Verification: https://t.co/b0WrcSJeU0)
Antiques Roadshow @RoadshowPBS
64K Followers 1K Following America's favorite treasure hunt! Mondays at 8/7c & 9/8c PM on PBS. #AntiquesRoadshow
graham techler @gr8h8m_t3chl3r
4K Followers 939 Following new yorker, mcsweeney’s, ucb, plays for @lessthanrent
Tess Gattuso @tessplease
36K Followers 915 Following 🎭writer + content creator 💃content on patreon 👀livestreams on passes
Vanessa Ramos @thatRamosgirl
37K Followers 913 Following Filling in for Remington Alexander who is on vacation.
Rex Chapman🏇🏼 @RexChapman
1.2M Followers 32K Following It’s Hard For Me to Live With Me is available now - for business please contact [email protected] - for media requests: [email protected]
Ed Solomon @ed_solomon
92K Followers 3K Following Writer: Full Circle, No Sudden Move, Mosaic, Men in Black. Co-writer: the Bill & Ted movies, Now You See Me, others. Fiction: Vanity Fair, The New Yorker.
Christiana Lopez @awnabot
1K Followers 968 Following Christiana not Christina | comedy director/writer living and sobbing in NYC | @comedycentral alum 🎭 | creator of #NotYourAveragePSAs seen in @vulture
low poly animals @lowpolyanimals
265K Followers 1 Following if its not hexagonal, i dont wanna see it. please send creatures.
Andrews McMeel @AndrewsMcMeel
14K Followers 2K Following Recognizing the best creative talent and publishing award-winning books in poetry, cooking. comics, lifestyle, self-care, & more. @amp_kids for Children's📚
jason lytle @jasonlytle
9K Followers 426 Following setting up my camp on a runaway truck ramp.......ps. remember when clouds used to move alot slower?
Jack Davis @NotJackDavis
3K Followers 691 Following Making things for consumers. Ex-CEO @CryptTV (acquired), co-founder @eaetatchain, Investor @JomboyMedia, Dave’s Hot Chicken. Media, Food, Sports.
caleb hearon @calebsaysthings
257K Followers 1K Following beloved gay comedian with perfect opinions and a heart of gold. many, many accolades.
dustin Couch @Dustinkcouch
108K Followers 741 Following
Neil Voss @neilvoss
2K Followers 2K Following Co-founder @animavirtuality - Prev. led creative @ tumblr, flipboard, founded Ultravisual ➪ produced music for Nintendo in the 90s.
John Mulaney @mulaney
1.4M Followers 1 Following “John Mulaney Presents: Everybody’s in LA” coming to @Netflix on May 3
Megan Amram @meganamram
1.0M Followers 4K Following it's this weird, sexual, anti-comedy comedy that's 'in' right now. - my mom
Sarah Cooper @sarahcpr
2.0M Followers 4K Following #UNFROSTED is streaming May 3rd on @Netflix. My book of essays FOOLISH is out now from @duttonbooksIt’s a great honor to be part of the team that gets under Trump’s orange skin night after night. - “his wife”
In fairness to our former President, many stable geniuses confuse me with Al Pacino....
In fairness to our former President, many stable geniuses confuse me with Al Pacino....
Seconds after the card game rules are explained
THREE Body Problem? I WISH I only had three!
@KeatonPatti I knew this was fake but I must say I was kinda disappointed when I opened up connections and these weren't there
I did my best
The earliest uses of 'circumvent' referred to a tactic of hunting or warfare in which the quarry or enemy was encircled and captured. Today, 'circumvent' more often suggests avoidance than entrapment. Special Thank You to @arnettwill
For the 3rd year in a row, I've done a @GLucasTalkShow Oscar livestream, with "George" continuing the Billy Crystal tradition of doing a medley of the Best Picture nominees. Here's a thread of this year's 10, and please be warned that it is, of course, a very silly thing to do.
The George Lucas Talk Show Oscar Night Oscar Medley 2024 Part 1 of 10 #Barbie
I was warned to stop screaming so much or they'd give me something to scream about. This warning was so frightening I couldn't help but scream. "Okay, I guess we were asking for that scream," they said "but no more screaming after this." - Frank Burly "Dead Detective Mountain"
Twenty one years ago today in 2003, Songs: Ohia’s 'The Magnolia Electric Co' was released via @secretlycndian 🖤🦉
Worked on this game for the #AppleVisionPro that's perfect for playing at work... #ITSYL
Death Valley played me a wake up song this morning
@KeatonPatti Honestly something should be done about ugly babies
so stoked...sold 69 albums!😅📀
Heartfelt congratulations to @Grandaddy - 𝘽𝙡𝙪 𝙒𝙖𝙫 on an all-around incredible album and an impressive first week! Thank you to everyone who has listened and bought a copy. 💙👋 𝘽𝙡𝙪 𝙒𝙖𝙫 is available everywhere now: ffm.to/bluwav
@KeatonPatti "Oh, behave" is heard o.s. from behind the wall.
DO NOT LET HIM TRY ON THE PANTS
Chris Christie has made it to Mets camp.
Pittsburgh Weekly Gazette, Pennsylvania, August 16, 1905
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