Swagger Vance @MostSimpler
Joined June 2013-
Tweets164
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Followers277
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Following788
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Likes79
How long does PMS last for? I'm asking for a friend.
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Swagger Vance retweeted
If you don't smell your hands after you masturbate, well then you're not me. *It's sweet & delicious
Swagger Vance retweeted
White girl: I'm italian Oh cool! What part of Italy were you born? WG: No, my grandparents are from there Oh cool! You're American
Swagger Vance retweeted
*goes produce shopping* Wife: Get in line & watch the cart. Me: OK. Wife: I'll be right back. *minds peas & queues*
DM: "Vance, you suck and your tweets are garbage" Me: "shut up jerk, don't you have a farm to VILLE!" #fatality
If you're happy and you know it, log off twitter. Exactly.
Twitter jail isn't watching American Idol with you wife?
Having trouble with girls at the bar? Throw the word "moist" into the convo a few times. They leave you alone right away!
Twitter research shows that 140 is the max amount of characters that celebrities you @ can handle of your loser shit.
Friday? More like Fuck, Work Sucks- Day am I right? #commonman #relatable
Don't you hate it when you have a girl over and "Always" by Erasure comes on your iPod shuffle? Me neither. It's a great fucking song
I'm at "I just downloaded John Legend songs" amount of drinks, how about you?
You would get the Olympic gold medal in jockin me bro.
Without all of your motivational quotes I don't know how I would still be alive.
Swagger Vance retweeted
My wife rubbed her nose against my cock and called it an eskimo blow job. That doesn't count. Can that count? I raked a shit ton of leaves
Swagger Vance retweeted
I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.
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ick!! @mrD3wa1t
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