Big Dumb Brad @bigdumbbrad

Fairly inadequate internet role model. I maintain a certain moral flexibility. x.com/search?q=bigdu… In a tree, with binoculars Joined June 2015

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Big Dumb Brad @bigdumbbrad

5 years ago

I take unnecessary risks because I live life using a specific a law of averages. I carefully determine my risk reward assessment off basic mathematical odds. The only problem is I really fucking suck at math. I’ll be lucky to see 40. I’m 44.

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Big Dumb Brad @bigdumbbrad

6 years ago

Ever see a booty and think “Dayum, that thing needs some break lights and maybe a turn signal!”

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Big Dumb Brad @bigdumbbrad

6 years ago

Parenting tip #431: Never be the first parent to pick up your kid from a birthday party.

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Big Dumb Brad @bigdumbbrad

7 years ago

New hobby: Replying to unresponded @‘s from over 3 years ago.

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Big Dumb Brad @bigdumbbrad

7 years ago

Honored, thank you!

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Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal

7 years ago

You can say "please" and "thank you" a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say "ass-faced mother fucker" ONCE...

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Big Dumb Brad @bigdumbbrad

7 years ago

Help Wanted: Need someone to keep me from eating an entire XL pizza. Will pay in extra pizza slices. Person needs to at least my size and/or a black belt in some kind of martial arts. Hand to hand combat is probable.

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Crazy Stalker Mom @texasstalkermom

7 years ago

If you’re going to be an asshole, at least be a funny asshole.

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Jean Hallow @JeanHallow

7 years ago

It's scary in here, send drugs.

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Jean Hallow @JeanHallow

7 years ago

I'm new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

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Big Dumb Brad @bigdumbbrad

7 years ago

Ninja Cook ˈninjə ko͝ok verb Definition: To cook a meal completely without one's children discovering and subsequently hijacking said meal. Example: "I totally just ninja cooked the hell out of these scrambled eggs." -"Daddy, what are you making?" "Fuck!!"

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Big Dumb Brad @bigdumbbrad

7 years ago

Predictive text is the ally of drunkenness but the enemy of sobriety

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Shower Thoughts @ShwrThght

8 years ago

Why do love songs keep citing Romeo and Juliet? Their love only lasted 3 days and killed 6 people.

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Big Dumb Brad @bigdumbbrad

8 years ago

I’m sorry, Ice Cube, I just couldn’t do it. I put my back into it and everything, it’s just not happening.

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Swim Jeans 👖 @ShortSleeveSuit

8 years ago

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood Me: Brad? *Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

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Big Dumb Brad @bigdumbbrad

8 years ago

Not to brag, but I’m an excellent Barbie doll recapitator

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Big Dumb Brad @bigdumbbrad

8 years ago

Hey kids, the plastic Heinz ketchup bottles make excellent pillows when you’re sleepy at a bar. Just keep the cap securely closed or they’ll think it’s a murder. You’re welcome.