thomas 🍌 @perfectsweeties
i am not smart 26 he/him chicago Joined November 2013-
Tweets7K
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Followers59K
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Following827
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Likes85K
Cramming a band's whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Everybody you meet is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Attack them. Now they’re fighting two battles
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
the eclipse has hit the reflections on my disco ball
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as fuck
Me texting my christian friends: I hope you guys have a great Easter! Jesus is back, baby! Me texting my ancient Roman buddies: Hey dudes I know this is a tough day for you, let me know if you need some space today. You'll get him next time for sure though, I know it.
Me: But what about the time I saw 8 huge claw marks in the sand? Jesus: Omg I saw that too. I have no idea what that was. I was so fucking scared.
Today I got hit by a car and mildly concussed and the first thing I did when I got into the ambulance was ask the paramedic if she saw Madame Web
wow. my heart is broken tonight. just imagined a guy in the Quiet Place universe committing suicide with a kazoo
endless cycle
endless cycle https://t.co/otQzbNS7gp
be pissed if i were a whale. tf do you mean i’m the size of a school bus and my diet consists of tiny shrimp. at a restaurant like i’ll have the krill. yes please 3 million of them
“Time is linear” not for rideshare apps. Your driver is arriving in 3 minutes or maybe never. Be ready in 14 minutes and also he’s outside right now
resting facial expression of a dog that’s just been kicked
printed out this tweet and taped it to Thomas’s door so he never forgets getting obliterated online
printed out this tweet and taped it to Thomas’s door so he never forgets getting obliterated online https://t.co/YoqKszjBKI
so awesome when your cat sits down to watch tv with u but sometimes they get too locked in and you worry like idk if this is good for ur development little man
I can't believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn't realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn't have brought Wolverine.
i’ve blocked a lot of ads to get here
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Sorry if I’m in a bad mood it’s probably because I can’t have homoerotic friendships with men
some of you still need to understand the concept of a fruity straight guy
Like this
yea i love colin jost. colin jost to say hello
I can’t stop thinking about Challengers. My whole life is consumed. Just called an Uber (like in Challengers) working on my laptop (Zendaya works on a laptop in Challengers) kissing a man (wish I were doing this in front of Zendaya) etc.
i’ll see challengers eventually. im curious about that little blond one. he looks like he enjoys a nibble of cheese
It’s sad that there is a perfect form of protest that addresses everything the right way and solves the problems being protested and is serious without being threatening and peaceful without being frivolous, but no one is allowed to know what it is :(
Columbia University students think this dance will somehow ‘Free Palestine.’
2 am: just got off work time to relax with some highly concentrated THC products 2:17 am: im glad the government hasnt banned music yet but i know its coming, I should look out the window about this
cmon man you can see the spirit of the warrior burning in my eyes, just honour the fucking coupon
i put these on and started moaning i won’t lie
@perfectsweeties @CdyRnkn Literally the 3 things I always suggest LMAO
Does anybody else think it was a missed opportunity that Jesus’s carpentry knowledge never came into play later in the story? It would have made for a good setup and pay off
I can’t decide what I want to tattoo on my left forearm/hand helppppp
sorry but @NILES100 and i know how to throw a party
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