THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99
I spent most of my money on hookers and blow, and the rest I just wasted. favstar.fm/users/CMFC99/r… Houston. We have a problem. Joined April 2011-
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Followers1K
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Following687
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Likes49K
@JJWatt Absofuckingloutely. This 💯☝. I am a born and raised Houstonian and spent my first 18 years rooting for the Oilers at the Astrodome. They changed to Titans after 2 years. Just sell the Oilers rights to the Texans and let them keep the Titans. It will always be a Houston team.
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If you were serious about finding Jesus I think you should ditch the church and start checking the insane asylums.
THEY MADE ME DO IT retweeted
Don't forget to post every new life plan you have on Facebook so your timeline looks like a trail of broken dreams at the end of the year
And then there was the time I chased 50 Nyquils w/ a Monster energy drink & tried to eat my own bedsheet... but I'm feeling much better now.
"I think I'm Big Meech... Larry Hoover..." - Rick Ross discussing his multiple personality disorder with his therapist.
My Ice Bucket Challenge is not getting caught huffing the freon from my neighbor's AC unit.
Never trust a man who doesn't watch porn.
Sometimes I gotta check if I'm still breathing so I take a deep breath... And then YEP I'm still breathing which means I can do anything
The problem with women is, they got all the pussy. They got a monopoly on that shit. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
I got nothing to lose I got nothing to gain I got blood that bleeds right outta my vein I got a soul to sell it's goin to the highest bidder
I think that in the future we'll all be hermaphrodites. Wouldn't that be great? Some asshole would say "Go fuck yourself!" and we'd say ok.
Japanese folks are on some next level type shit. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I'm thinking those atomic bombs went to their heads.
Giraffes are to vampires as what Jessica Alba is to me. I'm solving real world problems over here.
My Maybelline moment is a cum shot on Rush Limbaugh's face. Not that I'm gay, I just like the sound of it.
Maybe your God doesn't believe in me?
And every day I read the obituaries first to make sure I'm not in them and to practice becoming a ghost
Just spit a cocaine & whiskey filled lugie that went AT LEAST 5' across my room & landed DIRECTLY IN THE TRASH! I'm winning life here people
swollenvoice @swollenvoice
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Top Conservative Cat ... @TeaPartyCat
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:) @zlxts8
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ryan lewis @spike1582
154 Followers 2K Following Big pimping with the legend Macklemore! Loving life! Officially in the woods Oct. 5th 2013!
Jimbo the Bimbo @LetsGet9ined
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Craving @calluptome
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swollenvoice @swollenvoice
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Rock⚡️God @redpawn3
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Dungeon Crawler Matt @mattdinniman
33K Followers 5K Following DM of Dungeon Crawler Carl, Active member of SFWA & HWA. Wrangler of GC, BWR, NW Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk. repped by Seth Fishman @ Gernert
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5.6M Followers 237 Following It's a rhinestone world we're livin in...🤠🪩
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qntm @qntm
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20K Followers 7K Following Cynical, sarcastic asshole, and I'm fine with it, so piss off. I do not like you and I never will. Deal with it. Fuck you.
Jimbo the Bimbo @LetsGet9ined
2K Followers 1K Following I'm exactly like Brad Pitt. Except I look & act different. I can tell when they use real dragons in movies #Bitcoin
Kelly Soloduka 🇨�... @kellysoloduka
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James Breakwell, Expl... @XplodingUnicorn
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Cookie’s Eye Candy ... @sfreeze6
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...Madam Daze... @madam_daze
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Condescending Wonka @Wondering_Wonka
10K Followers 15K Following I'm condescending. You're not sure what condescending means? Perhaps if you learned to use a dictionary you could look it up.
Shaun Right Now @ShaunRightNow
9K Followers 10K Following I'm 37, I love my asshole wife and she loves me. I would love to RT a lot more, sorry, I have no time. I just tweet so you laugh.
Andy Pitz @AndyPitz
3K Followers 2K Following Dad, comedian heard on Sirius XM Ch 98 / 97. my fav comedian right now is Paul F. Tompkins. Most interested in comedy, wellness and friendship.
M.K. Lioness @mkat816
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Joey Mueller @TraderJoeCEO
51K Followers 11K Following Tweets, views and opinions are my own, NOT those of Trader Joe’s.
Olive Elizabeth ⚔�... @OneWonderWoman
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m @gigglegirlnoel
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Garrett | bsky.app/pr... @garrettn
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The_Wild_Enchantress @Feral_Felinity
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Be not afraid @SolomonKane13
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Myriad Profiteroles @yacketycat
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Paul Rudd's Nuts! @Jimboleem
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