EdandBuried @DadInUtah
My life's goal is to be the first human in history to finish an entire tube of chap stick before losing it. Salt Lake City Joined May 2011-
Tweets3K
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Followers2K
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Following981
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Likes5K
EdandBuried retweeted
God: your name is Shrimp Shrimp: oh ok what do I eat God: shit Shrimp: yeesh so what eats me God: everything you're delicious Shrimp: oh c'mon
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EdandBuried retweeted
Was gonna maybe have sex tonight but instead I thought it would be a good idea to critique the way my wife was folding my laundry.
EdandBuried retweeted
I'm white but not take my wife to an arts and crafts festival on a Saturday white. Wife: The fuck you aren't.
EdandBuried retweeted
God: you run really fast. Horse: sweet. God: people ride you in circles for sport. Horse: kindof weird but ok God: also don’t break a leg. Horse: why? God: Horse: God? why?
EdandBuried retweeted
My kids haven’t told me they’re “bored” since the time I made them go through my underwear drawer & decide which ones I should throw away.
EdandBuried retweeted
Got caught eating all the crust off of peoples sandwiches in the office cafeteria again cause it’s hard for me to turn off this Dad shit.
Kids wanted to go to the circus so I took them to see IT. Long story short, I never have to go to another circus.
EdandBuried retweeted
*puts hot sauce on my hot sauce*
I'm starting to think everyone is better looking in their picture.
EdandBuried retweeted
I bought a Roomba mainly for the companionship.
EdandBuried retweeted
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together - Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
EdandBuried retweeted
How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute
My 4yo just goosed me with a glue stick when I bent over to pick something up so I guess my work here is done.
EdandBuried retweeted
COP: Know why I pulled you over? ME: Because I didn't floss? DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
@CoachCandle brilliant and classy team, coach. Spectacular effort. Best of luck in the MAC and your career.
EdandBuried retweeted
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
EdandBuried retweeted
Told my son the new season of Caillou just came out and turned on Poltergeist and now I never have to watch Caillou again.
EdandBuried retweeted
"Hey kids, you like candy?" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
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