shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird
hi everybody Joined September 2017-
Tweets4K
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Followers135K
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Following495
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Likes33K
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get me: what do you mean [2 hard lemonades later] me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
gatekeeper of heaven: next. oh hold on what are you doing here man oj simpson: the glove did not fit gatekeeper: are we really gonna go through this again
friend: you gotta see the eclipse man it looks amazing me who would look up but i’m constantly on guard for the leprechaun that keeps trying to pants me in public: i bet it does
my boss: how are you late to work again me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[first guy to go birdwatching] someone needs to be watching those fuckin things
[everyone at the funeral booing] my wife: [talking over the speakers as ocean man by ween ends] i’m sorry but it was in his will [ocean man by ween starts again]
fiancé: how’s the bachelor party going?? me after the boys got way too drunk and legally adopted each other: it’s ok i guess
priest: what is wrong with you me: [to funeral congregation] i’m so sorry everybody my headphones disconnected and- crying father: why were you listening to alvin and the chipmunks
her: i’ve never heard a man be so vocal in bed before me (was screaming through a leg cramp): i think it’s because i love you
[football coach takes me out of the huddle] you gotta stop crying
this dude is so annoying wtf
[first day as hostage negotiater] me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo [loud explosion from inside the bank]
commercial: see why it’s recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists the 5th dentist: i hate this shit so much dude. fuck this toothpaste
me: you wanted to see me? boss: go ahead and take a seat me: [drapes my cloak over the chair] is this about the cloak
pov: you are trying to explain to your parents that you didn’t do any acid
pov: you are trying to explain to your parents that you didn’t do any acid
[watching nemo get taken by the guys in the boat] me: *standing up* yeah he’s fucked. let’s get out of here, no way they find him
got too high last night and made this for some reason. idk
The final episode of Sesame Street where PG&E eventually isolates the gas leak and all of the Muppets just kind of disappear.
now that twitter is back up, we can get back to important discussions you guys think spongebob is a virgin?
salesman: have you ever thought about switching to at&t me: have you ever thought about crushing your dick in a bible
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That kid is fucking ripped what the hell
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kicked out of McDonald’s for asking how much the other burgers weigh
the universe will take care of me as long as i show mercy and patience with all living things *loud Incorrect buzzer sound*
is this what got shinzo abe
Rafael Sommerhalder, 'Untitled', 2021
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The trick to street knife fights is to relax and be yourself
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
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It’s my hand!
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Im in an airplane right now using the in-flight wifi to send pictures of me flying really high to my boy icarus. I'm saying shit like "check this out you fucking idiot" "should have made your wings out of aluminum instead of wax, you stupid asshole" really giving him the business
Boss: Don’t do that Me: don’t do what Boss: You’re about to staple my tie to your tie again so when we try to walk away we actually get yanked toward each other and kiss Me: *looking down in faux surprise at his tie clenched in my hand, stapler hovering over it* What the.. LOL
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