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Tweets4K
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Following664
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If you fill out this form i can come do standup close to you. Also itll help me quit my job. If youve never seen me do standup before imagine youre at a grocery store and the guy that helps you cancel an item at self checkout says a joke about your apples docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAI…
(Inventing bathroom stalls) Guy: should the door touch the ground Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I couldn’t find where it rolled to
American airlines lets you have 20 minutes of free wifi if you watch one of their sponsored ads so i watched a 3 minute chase bank video. After the video it said the wifi was down and i think it was the most eye opening experience of how much power and money i dont have
[Home Depot staff meeting] BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is? ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
In 2007 the CEO of AMC Adam Aron paid me $2500 to create a show about drugs and teaching. You guys probably know the show as Breaking Bad but here was the original script
I wrote for Zack and Cody for about 3 months back in 2006 heres some of my scripts that never made it to air
Does anyone like pez? Like is there anybody that just gets home from work and is like time to spoil myself with some pez
Dan White @atdanwhite
155K Followers 2K Following comedy writer | reps: Framework Entertainment | I perform weekly on @improvisdeadjon drake @DrakeGatsby
112K Followers 2K Following they must have amnesia, they forgot that im him. 1/2 of @blastzonepod. senior brand strategist for @trymetafyKyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji
139K Followers 1K Following I am incredibly online | King of edible leaves, his majesty the spinach | he/him | the hits https://t.co/13Ium8Yy25Natalie @jbfan911
66K Followers 711 Following (in case my employer sees this) I love ethics and HIPAA | she/herBig Tucson Dad @BigTucsonDad
56K Followers 2K Following When all else fails, all roads lead back to margaritaville. Cohost of @MinorBreakdown. the blue check is for ad rev, I hate Elonrudy betrayed @rudy_betrayed
38K Followers 1K Following if you follow me you agree with all of my opinionsMinneapolis 4/26-27 @tommybayertime
19K Followers 871 Following doin stand up for now @wecoolpodcast email me for stuff [email protected]phil @PhilJamesson
84K Followers 985 Following my job is writing funny things for cool stuff | comedy for @DibsNext, @adultswim, @nerial, @dropout | mgmt: [email protected]Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau
89K Followers 1K Following Comedian, Writer, Founder of Persona Essential Social Media Management, writer of @GrimAndGrahamm@thew @TweetPotato314
44K Followers 597 Following retired: @tweetpotato314 ︎new: https://t.co/eGYheQADS5 personal: @antelopishAlex Mary @mary519410
281 Followers 877 FollowingShelby Lee @TheOGShelbyLee
64 Followers 75 Following Pure of heart, dumb of ass - force of nature. Weird bug girl. 🪲🦋🕷️ Developer Evangelist & Outreach Extraordinaire just winging it & hoping for a nat20.Piyush @productofmon
0 Followers 164 Following@djcj @moquitadjcj
1 Followers 192 Followingananya aphale @BlaahhBloohh
2 Followers 45 FollowingIZZIE @IZZIE207
0 Followers 7 FollowingJarrell Curtis @lucky7jc
675 Followers 5K Following I'm a Scorpion with a learning disorder. I love women of any color, size and give them honestly and respect if they ever gave me that, especially honestly.Janet Hudson @JanetHudso98335
2 Followers 105 FollowingDjango Gold @django
19K Followers 1K Following comedic entity // formerly for Colbert, the Onion // watch BAG OF TRICKS, link belowDave @ColdLightOfDave
438 Followers 772 Following Weirdly into swimming at the moment. Long walks on the beach, Dire Straits and pineapple farms. Gold, black and leopard print.Liam p @slanky41
104 Followers 998 FollowingChris Greenwood @chrispgreenwood
112 Followers 1K Followingkimich@745 @Dan745365335
17 Followers 162 FollowingBrian Pietrus @flannelgoat
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86 Followers 496 Following I look like Shrek with a blood disorderHoward Borski @HowardBorski
3 Followers 368 FollowingColonel Jo @Ahna_Jo
75 Followers 298 Following 💖💛💙 Finding new ways to disappoint God every day! UNT alumnus they/heanti-hesitator @barlyburner
42 Followers 156 Following notoriously can’t get girls into clubs, doesn’t get bottlesHelena @helenalenalenaa
74 Followers 1K FollowingPopeDeluxe @pope_deluxe
309 Followers 1K Following A cult is a small business and the government should respect that.tranquil, serene @subtle_nuanced
385 Followers 1K Following big fan of the computer. i post every dayWill Sennett @Senn_Spud
115K Followers 1K Following the warrior in the garden @pod197424 / @CloserLookPodthatfattony @thatfattony
12 Followers 86 Followinghannah @hannahlaskey
899 Followers 824 Following ESFJ. it’s been said I have “no chill” // tweets are mostly about Jesus, University of Michigan football, and the Cincinnati BengalsMitch Wisniewski @mitchwis
312 Followers 316 Following Writer. More likely a few small aliens in a big trench coat. (he/him)semiconducotr-metal i.. @benpinko
119 Followers 312 Following beezy f baby and the f is for fisics graduate studentSpotcheck Billy @Aug_Mozzarella
301 Followers 497 FollowingActually Alex @AlexJonColeman
17 Followers 49 Following? @cabutomo
1 Followers 2K FollowingDan White @atdanwhite
155K Followers 2K Following comedy writer | reps: Framework Entertainment | I perform weekly on @improvisdeadjon drake @DrakeGatsby
112K Followers 2K Following they must have amnesia, they forgot that im him. 1/2 of @blastzonepod. senior brand strategist for @trymetafyKyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji
139K Followers 1K Following I am incredibly online | King of edible leaves, his majesty the spinach | he/him | the hits https://t.co/13Ium8Yy25Natalie @jbfan911
66K Followers 711 Following (in case my employer sees this) I love ethics and HIPAA | she/herBig Tucson Dad @BigTucsonDad
56K Followers 2K Following When all else fails, all roads lead back to margaritaville. Cohost of @MinorBreakdown. the blue check is for ad rev, I hate Elonrudy betrayed @rudy_betrayed
38K Followers 1K Following if you follow me you agree with all of my opinionsMinneapolis 4/26-27 @tommybayertime
19K Followers 871 Following doin stand up for now @wecoolpodcast email me for stuff [email protected]phil @PhilJamesson
84K Followers 985 Following my job is writing funny things for cool stuff | comedy for @DibsNext, @adultswim, @nerial, @dropout | mgmt: [email protected]Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau
89K Followers 1K Following Comedian, Writer, Founder of Persona Essential Social Media Management, writer of @GrimAndGrahamm@thew @TweetPotato314
44K Followers 597 Following retired: @tweetpotato314 ︎new: https://t.co/eGYheQADS5 personal: @antelopishDan Hentschel @danghentschel
173K Followers 1K Following A permanent solution to a temporary problem.Will Sennett @Senn_Spud
115K Followers 1K Following the warrior in the garden @pod197424 / @CloserLookPodSkyler Higley @skyler_higley
26K Followers 997 Following standup/staff writer @midnight. formerly CONAN, @theonion.Tovah Silbermann @Milbermann
3K Followers 1K Following Comedy Talent Manager here to RT my funny friends and tweet exclusively for Frum TwitterBilly Domineau @billydomineau
382 Followers 352 Following 9/11 Seinfeld writer. Formerly SNL, Family Guy. From the ashes I rise back to this terrible website.yannispappas @yannispappas
154K Followers 728 Following Scientist/Journalist. (he/haw). Yannis Pappas Hour: https://t.co/LnKEwh8hjlONE37pm @137pm
58K Followers 1K Following For the Curious 👀: Popular Culture. Sports. Style. Music. Gaming. Collectibles.Sahib Singh @sahibcantsingh
74K Followers 537 Following standup comedian and writer. TOUR DATES/Tix👇Strauss Zelnick @strausszelnick
5K Followers 47 FollowingAshley Gavin (seattle.. @AshGavs
12K Followers 473 Following stand up every sunday in nyc. we’re having gay sex podcast.caroline baniewicz @carolinebano
53K Followers 192 FollowingChristophe Jean @fakechrisjean
340 Followers 207 FollowingTed Trembley @Ted_Trembley
881 Followers 1K FollowingKim Congdon @kimberlycongdon
56K Followers 1K Following Comedian. Writer. Roaster. Producer. Comedy Central, MTV, TruTV, HBO for booking: [email protected] 🇵🇷Podcast About List @podaboutlist
18K Followers 89 Following @DrCameronFetter @lunch_enjoyer and @calebpitts1997. bonus eps @ https://t.co/Qwhh1CNn4L ALL tweets by @jubiothreecoco 🕊 @daddyluver69
5K Followers 724 Following I lean forward, am lukewarm, and love drama. @mizzjuicypiscesTim Dillon @TimJDillon
788K Followers 656 Following Stand up comic. CEO of Fake Business. Podcast: The Tim Dillon Show. LIVE/MERCH LINK ⬇️Boost Oxygen @BoostO2
2K Followers 337 Following Portable 95% pure supplemental #oxygen for respiratory support. Used by athletes, older adults, people at high #altitude and in poor #airquality | #breathingcaitlin / puke (was a.. @slowpuke_
36K Followers 324 Following are you with me, Dr. Wu!? twitch partner live every sat-tues | https://t.co/eCOBarPec4KFC @KFCBarstool
540K Followers 3K Following Hater of the Year 2009-present @kfcradio, One Minute Man on IG, @atibarstool, Friday Night Pints @gottabelievepod. Show/Merch - https://t.co/vPFpBHxDJNfeitelberg @FeitsBarstool
343K Followers 2K Following Blogger @barstoolsports. Podcaster @KFCRadio. Yeah I had a few chardonnays, what of it?Friday Beers @Friday_Beers
131K Followers 1K Following They just hit different 🤝 | @almostfridaytv 📺 | @entrapranure 💰 | @glueguy_sports 🏀 | @text_threads_ 💬| @almostfriday_ 🍺 | @emptynetterspod 🏒 |The Simpsons @Simpsons_tweets
453K Followers 47 Following One of the most cromulent accounts about the Simpsons. Instagram - https://t.co/rykqVEIByxCreator Subscriptions @Subscriptions
40K Followers 4K Following Support your favorite creators with monthly subscriptions to their accounts!Kate Willett @katewillett
57K Followers 3K Following Comedian, Author, Podcaster (NETFLIX, Colbert) - "a perfect blend of smart and filthy" - SF Weekly - Tour Dates on Website! New Special Coming Soon!Collie Tyrrell @columtyrrell
28K Followers 2K Following Mostly clips. Click my pinned tweet. The Colum Tyrrell Podcast. Host Tuesday Night Comedy in NYC. Live dates and all other stuff on my website.the guys talk “Goofy Goober” on the pod…
“is this a joke to you” unfortunately everything is a little bit of a joke to me
If you got a white supervisor TRUST ME, today is the day to ask them for that raise. They’re in a good mood.
Gonna “OJ died 🥺👉👈” back into her life
random girl and guy accidentally bump into each other at a crowded party* Girl: haha oh sorry about that! I’m Christine by the way:) Guy(who’s real name is Clonk): oh that’s alright! I’m Steve. My name is Steve I swear
Did Shaq ask them to keep that part of the desk exposed
Me texting my christian friends: I hope you guys have a great Easter! Jesus is back, baby! Me texting my ancient Roman buddies: Hey dudes I know this is a tough day for you, let me know if you need some space today. You'll get him next time for sure though, I know it.
such a shock when you find out an adult friend is still christian
putting shooting sleeve on before pickup game at the y: those guys want to take the bread off our tables. I’ll die before that happens teammate who has to leave early bc of work: alright
A reenactment of me being a server in Minnesota
The first time I ever wrestled in middle school a kid did this to me in front of my father and I cried (while still in this position)
This gotta be the worst way you can lose a wrestling match
guy got scammed out of a fart and I'm rooting for him? get the man his fart!!
finding out that trouble articulating thoughts can be related to dyslexia was kind of a revelation so yeah
Once i figure out how to articulate my thoughts you guys are fucked