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Tweets234
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Followers22
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Following63
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Likes91
Me: it's just never going to work between us because you're a Taurus Ford Taurus:
Once on a date I was like “so, what’s your favorite dinosaur?” and they said they didn’t have one and I said “wow that’s kind of a dealbreaker” and they laughed but I wasn’t kidding
I bet even in heated arguments, dolphins are very polite to each other.
I love women with really long finger nails, sometimes I wonder if they'll swoop down and catch a fish out of a lake like a bald eagle
I need to start eating better for the past 30 years
Her)How do you unwrap your peanut butter cups so fast? Me)*Chewing* Unwrap?
I don't think I like the tone of your "okie dokie."
My kids wouldn't eat their tacos so I had to throw them out. Then I ate their tacos
It's really cloudy today which is the lord's way of saying go take a long nap.
Gary was mad today because I borrowed his gas can to fill my mower, in my defense he didn't hide it well enough.
I would come visit and spend some time with you but there's no beach nearby so that's a no.
McDonald's pancakes are really good if the alternative is none.
If your pancakes don't taste like Cracker Barrel's I don't want any, jk I'll take a stack.
When you're uncomfortable because you have to go pee but you're already tucked under your covers.
Gary was mad again because I kept people in his shed, in my defense I would have asked him first but he would've said no.
You're as beautiful as a pepperoni pizza. --me flirting
Being a dad means putting your loved ones' health before your own. That's why I eat all the unhealthy fatty food in the house so that others can be saved from eating it.
I've never been chased by a man but I have been chased by a goose which I imagine is only slightly less terrifying
🏆🎉🏆🎊🏆🎉🏆🎊🏆 Great tweeting, @krystaunclear ! Your tweet was chosen by @colleen_eileen as their favorite in this weeks contest! x.com/krystaunclear/…
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Damilare @Dami_2_
6 Followers 93 Following
ColibriSenior gusrod0.. @GusRodr91786245
728 Followers 3K Following I'm a missionary with the knowledge that gave me the truth🍓 💕 and the promised that I will Discover the Extraterrestres,wishes and dwrenfs, Luz Bella Creation
Forward March @RunOldMan
35K Followers 16K Following Disabled Army Veteran, Bills Mafia, Mental Health Matters, Laughter is the best medicine 🇺🇸🇵🇷 Boricua https://t.co/LpPIFl6lcu…
Amy @Amy96680966
8 Followers 126 Following Grateful to our amazing healthcare system and to everyone who works for it! Views are my own (she/her)
MichaelTrying @MichaelTrying
9K Followers 8K Following Perfecting the art of minding my own business. Nodding when crazy people talk is not endorsement.
cathryn 💚🇨🇦 @AngryRaccoon2
27K Followers 6K Following Nice person. Buddhist. Mental health and harm reduction advocate 💚
kenny do it? no i can.. @kennyfckndavis
2K Followers 1K Following I lost the twitter instruction booklet so I hope I’m doing this right
Phenyo Mothibi @PhenyoMothibi6
214 Followers 727 Following to gain ground iss what I'm fighting for❤️😎 I follow back❤️❤️❤️
swollenvoice @swollenvoice
7K Followers 4K Following Jokes are meant to be told, heard and laughed at. I am the speed reading champ among dyslexic 1st graders.
shaydon @shaydon26469244
15 Followers 117 Following
MethAdjuster @methburritos
475 Followers 717 Following
Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker
6K Followers 3K Following Freelance satirist, slowly emerging novelist, former journalist, decent guitarist, libertarian heretic, proponent of sound and fury.
SarahBeerInTheFridge @SarahR_82
46K Followers 28K Following Beer. Coffee. Sarcastic. Jokes. I came here to cuss. I love my animals.
🍍ℕ𝕒𝕦𝕥�.. @PinaMyPineapple
14K Followers 7K Following Mahalo! frequent flier, Navy Veteran, Cat Mom, Serial Grilled Cheese Eater and Crypto X Survivor
Katie Babbles @K8TeeG
905 Followers 1K Following Lover of all things art & design. Weird, well read, and full of opinions. Here for the giggles. Begrudgingly made one of these- https://t.co/7O6y0X0yNe
Allison Chains @nessydyer
2K Followers 4K Following Writer/artist, bastard child since '86, zombie slayer and firecracker. Member of Jean-Claude Van Band (vocals... and everything else....) and dumb blonde broad.
Cycloptomese @Cycloptomese
5K Followers 3K Following goddammit It ain't much but it's honest penetration. Secretly Keanu
𝑴𝒐𝒐𝒏𝒔�.. @Manali_01
9K Followers 269 Following I’m as rare as the Reckon Expert Outfit Skin in Fortnite💫 C'est la vie 🌃 https://t.co/gEQWwvcHQY)
Stefan Urquelle @OfficeofSteve
25K Followers 10K Following you've been smooching with everybody Blocked by https://t.co/SziO9kNFRO https://t.co/DaU98OFAMv
Forward March @RunOldMan
35K Followers 16K Following Disabled Army Veteran, Bills Mafia, Mental Health Matters, Laughter is the best medicine 🇺🇸🇵🇷 Boricua https://t.co/LpPIFl6lcu…
Ella Zee 🌈👑 @EllaZee5
15K Followers 2K Following https://t.co/phViS1CBdj on @HuffPostWomen @Cheezburger @reddit @tumblr @instagram NO DMs❌
weird ass places @weirdassplaces
4K Followers 16 Following
HauntedTrishHeap 🇵.. @trishimal25
6K Followers 2K Following Reply girl featured on the Wheat Thins FB page. I usually tweet nonsense, but nonsense can wait. Free Palestine 🇵🇸
Grumpy Cat @shopkins776
11K Followers 3K Following Rich, famous, hilarious, tall, handsome, pathological liar https://t.co/KveXCoV44a
Average Dad @Average_Dad1
14K Followers 1K Following Just an average man trying to be an average dad. https://t.co/WKYWkAyg2L
Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbol
Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy
25K Followers 5K Following 𝕌𝕟𝕒𝕡𝕠𝕝𝕠𝕘𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 𝔻𝕠𝕡𝕖 ℝ𝕒𝕔𝕔𝕠𝕠𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕦𝕣 𝕊𝕒𝕦𝕤𝕒𝕘𝕖 𝔼𝕘𝕘 𝕄𝕔𝕄𝕦𝕗𝕗𝕚𝕟 𝔼𝕟𝕥𝕙𝕦𝕤𝕚𝕒𝕤t
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
your other mom @difficultpatty
37K Followers 970 Following Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. https://t.co/sVPCoTC4Pw
Blue Berrymore @BerrymoreBlue
18K Followers 4K Following Sarcasm and Anxiety. I love dad jokes and mom bods.
cathryn 💚🇨🇦 @AngryRaccoon2
27K Followers 6K Following Nice person. Buddhist. Mental health and harm reduction advocate 💚
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪ.. @sofarrsogud
23K Followers 6K Following 🖊️ Some of my tweets are crafted like a sculpture from a block of wood. Others are pumped out like farts.
kenny do it? no i can.. @kennyfckndavis
2K Followers 1K Following I lost the twitter instruction booklet so I hope I’m doing this right
Abbie @AbbieEvansXO
19K Followers 508 Following Writer of queer fantasy. SPFBO finalist. In lieu of dick pics please send dog pics.
Lil Jokerella @LJokerella
3K Followers 764 Following This account is no more. Follow me on: @thesammyhannah ❤️ https://t.co/4f2Q4K3b22
Burgess Owens @BurgessOwens
365K Followers 1K Following Representing #UT04 in Congress Super Bowl XV Champion
Jules @julcasagrande
78K Followers 7K Following Q ⚔️ energy. coffee cups and thoughts https://t.co/V349QaXUGV
shaydon @shaydon26469244
15 Followers 117 Following
Just a Chloe @CArmanthegirl
41K Followers 12K Following Please retweet my retweets, that’s what they are for
mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.
BlvckPaint @BlvckPaint
61K Followers 14 Following Just here to have fun 🍆☔. I don't own any content found on my page, DM's are open 😉🍉
karanbir singh 🫶 @karanbirtinna
29K Followers 4K Following The next person to make a stereotype Indian joke is getting beaten to death by my snake charming flute!
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
87.3M Followers 51 Following 45th President of the United States of America🇺🇸
CynicalTherapist @CynicalTherapi1
15K Followers 8K Following LMFT-LADAC Addictions Expert, Not your therapist, both traumatized and trauma informed. Sometimes a writer https://t.co/Y7o1NsmtJh Bad words ftw. 🏳️🌈
Alan Lee Stewart @warmtangent
81 Followers 706 Following Small business owner. Graphic designer. Weimaraner caretaker.
Peteski @Petet43675390
195 Followers 171 Following
Johnny Reality @JohnnyMac44
108 Followers 637 Following
Dr. JP Self-Helpist�.. @JPHaddadio
17K Followers 12K Following Repressed rageaholic. When you get a chance, kindly let me know what the warmongers are tweeting about. They blocked me 😿
SarahBeerInTheFridge @SarahR_82
46K Followers 28K Following Beer. Coffee. Sarcastic. Jokes. I came here to cuss. I love my animals.
Katie Babbles @K8TeeG
905 Followers 1K Following Lover of all things art & design. Weird, well read, and full of opinions. Here for the giggles. Begrudgingly made one of these- https://t.co/7O6y0X0yNe
mildly mad @mad_cattery
2K Followers 585 Following Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies. #Resist She/her 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
🍍ℕ𝕒𝕦𝕥�.. @PinaMyPineapple
14K Followers 7K Following Mahalo! frequent flier, Navy Veteran, Cat Mom, Serial Grilled Cheese Eater and Crypto X Survivor
buc 🆓️ @BucMarvin
4K Followers 3K Following Inter-Galactic Purveyor of Nonsense. Not everyone's cup of noodles. Cancer survivor!! Favorite color: underboob
tate @50FirstTates
37K Followers 625 Following just body after body busting out of shit wood and hittin pavement
Bart @bartandsoul
11K Followers 2K Following What is this place? Is it like FB? Music. Sarcasm. I RT, a lot.
@derrytweets Well, let me just say, you’ll be extremely lucky if a new chapter is waiting for you. I’ve been divorced for 20 years and I haven’t found anyone yet. Biggest mistake I ever made.
I thought I was 35 for three years, so of course I have no idea how old I am now.
Do women know they can just tell their man where the clit is?
They should let the guy who invented the couch invent more stuff.
We should change the "Good morning" gesture to something more realistic like "Hang in there".
Before you post that naked potty picture of your kid, remember that one day you’ll be in diapers and your kid will have the camera
New NFL uniform designs are finally here, and the reaction is split. Let us know what you think…
It's time for a new speaker of the house. I'm ready to cast vote against Nancy Pelosi. Who's with me?
Joe Biden just announced that he will not agree to a Drug Test. Gee, I wonder why?
@realDonaldTrump The Democrats know they can’t win fairly. They are trying to steal the election!
When I was little I though honey came out of bees butts, then I learned it was just bee vomit. What a relief.
Biden FAILED BADLY with the Swine Flu. It was the Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight”. He didn’t have a clue. We have done an incredible job with the much tougher China Virus!
Pelosi wants to take 30 Billion Dollars away from our great Farmers. Can’t let that happen!
I was right, these people were all wrong, and now they criticize me. Such hypocrisy!
@KimberlinTeresa @realDonaldTrump I suppose a fine upstanding person like yourself knows what it’s like to be “hunted”? I hope you aren’t ever “hunted” or ever need the police for anything, but if you should ever need the police, I hope their car breaks down on the way. #BlueLivesMatter
Disgraceful that Big Ten is not playing football. Let them PLAY!
@DaddyJew @patricksallen How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?
@itsJeffTiedrich @realDonaldTrump Jeff,you're a national virus!
If I didn’t demand that National Guard Troops go into Minneapolis after watching how poorly the Liberal Democrat government was handling things, you wouldn’t even have a Minneapolis now. Once they were deployed, in force, all looting, burning and crime stopped DEAD!
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