Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker
Freelance satirist, slowly emerging novelist, former journalist, decent guitarist, libertarian heretic, proponent of sound and fury. mobile.twitter.com/search?q=from%… Joined November 2012-
Tweets26K
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Followers6K
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Following3K
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Likes50K
I’ve been smoking at least five cigars a day for 30 years. It hasn’t caused me any problems. Smoke up, kids.
I Just want you to know. If you guys get drafted into WWIII, I'll be thinking of you every day.
Joe Biden isn’t just the worst president ever — he’s the worst anything ever.
I had a dream last night that I ate a rat. It freaked me out until I woke up and looked at it — I hadn't even eaten half of it.
Someday, we'll look back on all of this and chortle from the future in truncated gasps of raving-mad terror like the last remaining occupants of a dystopian nightmare.
Rory. What the fuck kind of name is “Rory”? It’s all back-rolled tongue-fricative shit that never ends. I may have gotten that linguistically wrong, but at least I don’t have a baby named Rory.
You’ll find below all of the reasons I can think of for naming a kid “Rory”: 1. You want him to always think of a caveman yawning.
Why would you name a baby “Rory”? I will not give up until I find at least one answer. Why, pray tell, why?
I'm always on his side but Bugs Bunny brings a lot of these problems on himself
Most aneurysms are caused by trying to pronounce "peculiar" too fast.
Rewatching Cocaine Bear and it's really a masterpiece.
It’s weird that “every now and again” is a perfectly acceptable phrase, yet nobody but the daftest of us would say “every now” or “every again.”
One onion is a oneion. I write it like this on my grocery list and only occasionally wonder what a oneion is.
Can we all agree to drop that stupid first “o” in “opossum”? It’s just “possum.” Done. You’re welcome.
When a kid starts a knock-knock joke with me, I just say, "Come in — there's a key under the ceramic turtle."
Before mirrors were invented how did people know what they looked like
I’ve always hated the Internet, but I’ve discovered a fun thing that didn’t exist, at least to me, until today: watching young people listen to old people perform rock ‘n’ roll.
meh second-degree burns are a small price to pay for using cast iron pans
I think one of our dogs is mentally unstable. I won’t be surprised to find out that she identifies as a boy chicken or if we discover her without a pulse in a hotel room after she succumbs to a wobbly night of autoerotic asphyxiation. But she’s quite cute.
Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2
Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat
61K Followers 4K Following murder and cake. https://t.co/O1Sm1XVNmo
Jack Boot @IamJackBoot
13K Followers 1K Following The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, The Atlantic, Harper's, Rolling Stone. I've read some of these magazines.
Matty @bestestname
13K Followers 6K Following Twitter is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you.
Tony P. @Tbone7219
43K Followers 19K Following
Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
102K Followers 20K Following I’d rather be working on my yard. #envydastrength I retweet regular people. My tweets are here: https://t.co/zOIJ18SHBV
Grant Tanaka: Honky @GrantTanaka
37K Followers 5K Following Anatomically correct. For the most part.
C’est La Vie @Robert_Beau
57K Followers 50K Following Real Deal ~ Part Time Penis Model ~ Full Time Asshole
Marcmywords @Marcmywords2
55K Followers 50K Following Tweeting Live From The Capital Of The Who Dat Nation. https://t.co/92vEozoAvo
Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn
18K Followers 4K Following _______Sit UBU, sit......good dog____________ NEW Tweets ➡️ https://t.co/VpGo73atvG Favstar / Top 200 ⬇️⬇️⬇️
Stefan Urquelle @OfficeofSteve
25K Followers 10K Following you've been smooching with everybody Blocked by https://t.co/SziO9kNFRO https://t.co/DaU98OFAMv
B. @AddledPixie
10K Followers 4K Following Currently reading (audiobook) The Outsider by Stephen King // Music right now: TTPD // Currently watching Fallout
Rich Harrington @McNarstle
6K Followers 6K Following Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!
fightgeek @fightgeek
11K Followers 9K Following i wander around outside and hangout with dogs mostly
Ivsy @Ivsy01
40K Followers 9K Following drinking slurpees in front of 7-eleven with @The_Getawaygirl My thoughts in a box. my tweets 🤦♀️ https://t.co/0g8VMFzt2k
Patric Krueger @patricjames9999
571 Followers 1K Following Music lover. Librarian. Novelist. In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey.
What are you going to.. @1999_jab
3K Followers 4K Following Just here for the lols/snark. If I lol I follow. Dad to 2 teens. Cat wrangler, gas-station hot dog connoisseur. A little lead guitar. What a time to be alive.😬
AltPrincessLeia @TheRealShandaZ
133 Followers 515 Following
Milena Kulasek @KulasekMil46838
80 Followers 250 Following Plant biologist (PhD) @UMK_Torun & philosopher (BA). Interested in stringent response. Coffee-driven | sci-fi reader | runner | jazz & HM devotee | Mom
. @ricch_hccir
222 Followers 671 Following Have you heard of Kris Kristofferson? Well, I'm Pissed Pissedofferson.
Man Joke Hell @manjokehell
132 Followers 688 Following “For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.” Ecclesiastes 1:18
Quarantined Anders @andersjazz
516 Followers 986 Following True Twitter genius providing everything you could ever need for a lavish Twitter experience.
Walker @afunnywalker
176 Followers 857 Following
Marl Barnette @festoonic2
38 Followers 190 Following
Alan K @cuppajoe63
159 Followers 743 Following
Scottie Pippstein @SPippstein
1K Followers 1K Following Nonsense, complaints, and Twitter blockbusters. Our feature presentation: ‘Special Agent Tab Numlock in Operation Copy-Paste.’
Disheveled Mom @wittysnuggles
5K Followers 6K Following Not my real name. 40s toddler mom. Unapologetically blunt relationship therapist. Featured on @MSNBC @CNN @FoxNews @SternShow @NYPost
Carol @carol_tigerlily
2K Followers 4K Following Let's bask in the splendors of all shades and genders! - Randy Rainbow Please NO lists #RESIST #GoodTrouble
Amy @AmysGotBirds
6K Followers 6K Following Thank you for the gift of your advice. By any chance, did you keep the receipt?
Elleck Mgiba @madubula75
1K Followers 5K Following Training Manager, Training Employers and Professionals in the Motor industry we offer Mibco Online Returns Training & Submission,Payroll Administration
Jeffrey Gross @Klassical_Kat
815 Followers 2K Following Riffs/reveries/rodomontades re classical music. Always asking WDTNAD — What do the notes actually do? Writing a book about it, repped by @alireader at @JVNLA
LaPetiteADA🦋🍄 @laetiteaDA
54 Followers 373 Following $ADA | Long-term #crypto investor | Petite🐳 in the making | Swiss made🇨🇭 | SPO of @GranAdaSwiss (GRANA) | Co-Founder of @vault3_io | Founder of @w3ar_store
VGambler @VGambler
355 Followers 92 Following
nobody @nobody065524839
0 Followers 3 Following
Nema Gilani @GilaniNema
1 Followers 22 Following Multi-tasking Mom of Multiples. Artist. Empath. Good listener. Master-lister. Air-doodler.
Ronaldo Lovewell @normanbif
661 Followers 5K Following Be yourself since that is all you can be. . . so the “Gravy Seals” and “Meal Team Six” might wanna think this through…
John A Dougherty @11DrJekyll
831 Followers 3K Following Written: "Do shit unto those who do the same shit unto you." My BIGS: Shostakovich, Mahler, Bruckner, Indiana Jones, Hopalong Cassidy and the Lone Ranger
Sal Tessio @TessioSal23462
81 Followers 74 Following
Mightymule @mightymule_
464 Followers 932 Following
Lisan Al-Gaib's Curly.. @_somearts_
318 Followers 712 Following Advertisement | Once tried Sushi | Metaphors & Mushrooms | MS-Word | Account Based on a True Story | Revolution for Representational Purposes Only
D-LIB @whittler_e
25K Followers 18K Following A Democrat and a Liberal. MAGA people need not apply. I CAN and WILL BLOCK YOU. Long live democracy.
Shart Infested Waters @archon5050
313 Followers 835 Following
Just JP @ThisisJohn18
306 Followers 970 Following Can someone explain what's going on here in ten words or less LI NY
Front line woman @jessicaswensen5
161 Followers 296 Following Working from windows 10 until it explodes. Avi is young me Please no DM Header by artist Heggsterhead
Tayyab @MTayyabAhmed
189 Followers 533 Following Flâneur. Everyday I fashion a new god. Everyday I shatter one.
Pointy Bird, O. @ohpointybird
591 Followers 990 Following Woke AF. Lefter than you. Full-time Engineering Manager. Part-time ambient musician. YES, of course. https://t.co/i8lXnA83Dl
Γιώργος @Giorgosthesalon
575 Followers 5K Following
Mara @jaecat18
523 Followers 722 Following Cosmetology, Cosmetics Purchasing Company and Sales Team There is a sales team of 28 people.Stay away from me if you're looking for ONS/PPM/happy
Pigboy Crabshaw @p_crabshaw
12 Followers 62 Following
Steven Wolf @StevenW26816122
43 Followers 243 Following “God’s principles are perfect. They are entirely worthy of my trust.” Psalm 119:138
Captain James West @solfeggio777
5K Followers 2K Following An advocate of truth, liberty and natural rights. University of Chicago, MIT. Author, Screenwriter & InfoSec Journalist
Tim Lees @TimLees2
300 Followers 251 Following Novelist, short story writer, Brit in Chicago. Married to a lovely woman. Supplier of treats and official door-opener for a small dog.
Adrian Dad @StyloDad
5K Followers 4K Following Mother: You can tell me, use your words. Child: You can solve it, use your podcasts.
Bhargav Reddy @bhargavreddyX
35 Followers 1K Following
Nadia Ambrosetti @galateia
15 Followers 45 Following Graduated in History of Art; in Computer Science; Ph.D. in Computer Science. Now working @ Ufficio Scolastico di Milano and teaching @ University of Milan.
aniQuet @aniQuetaa
17 Followers 11 Following
Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2
Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat
61K Followers 4K Following murder and cake. https://t.co/O1Sm1XVNmo
Jack Boot @IamJackBoot
13K Followers 1K Following The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, The Atlantic, Harper's, Rolling Stone. I've read some of these magazines.
Matty @bestestname
13K Followers 6K Following Twitter is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you.
Tony P. @Tbone7219
43K Followers 19K Following
Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
102K Followers 20K Following I’d rather be working on my yard. #envydastrength I retweet regular people. My tweets are here: https://t.co/zOIJ18SHBV
Grant Tanaka: Honky @GrantTanaka
37K Followers 5K Following Anatomically correct. For the most part.
C’est La Vie @Robert_Beau
57K Followers 50K Following Real Deal ~ Part Time Penis Model ~ Full Time Asshole
Marcmywords @Marcmywords2
55K Followers 50K Following Tweeting Live From The Capital Of The Who Dat Nation. https://t.co/92vEozoAvo
Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn
18K Followers 4K Following _______Sit UBU, sit......good dog____________ NEW Tweets ➡️ https://t.co/VpGo73atvG Favstar / Top 200 ⬇️⬇️⬇️
Stefan Urquelle @OfficeofSteve
25K Followers 10K Following you've been smooching with everybody Blocked by https://t.co/SziO9kNFRO https://t.co/DaU98OFAMv
B. @AddledPixie
10K Followers 4K Following Currently reading (audiobook) The Outsider by Stephen King // Music right now: TTPD // Currently watching Fallout
Viktor Winetrout @Cpin42
26K Followers 651 Following Creator of @Sorrowscopes & @WeirdCelebTwets https://t.co/fJ5BJjLtIb
Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire
75K Followers 2K Following Smooth like nitroglycerin. Sidekick to @gingerhotdish
What are you going to.. @1999_jab
3K Followers 4K Following Just here for the lols/snark. If I lol I follow. Dad to 2 teens. Cat wrangler, gas-station hot dog connoisseur. A little lead guitar. What a time to be alive.😬
Tara Mary Lyons @TaraToGo
38K Followers 16K Following Yes. Please do explain the science bit. I'll wait.
Ron Babich @rbabich
873 Followers 2K Following Entrepreneur, writer, and occasional stage Comic. Host of the Awesome Up podcast.
🌎 back on my bulls.. @sufferingzen
833 Followers 5K Following “That’s the problem with millennials, they think they’re too good for the Rust Belt”
Amy @AmysGotBirds
6K Followers 6K Following Thank you for the gift of your advice. By any chance, did you keep the receipt?
Jeffrey Gross @Klassical_Kat
815 Followers 2K Following Riffs/reveries/rodomontades re classical music. Always asking WDTNAD — What do the notes actually do? Writing a book about it, repped by @alireader at @JVNLA
Pat Gray Unleashed @PatUnleashed
82K Followers 595 Following Mr. Twitter | Making The Apocalypse Fun! -📺: @blazetv ¤ LIVE M-F 7am ET| ¤ 👕 https://t.co/RLfEanoTgm ¤ #PatHeads ¤ @KeithMalinak | @JeffyJFR | @realKrisCruz ⚡️
Matty Boom Batty @vlowgoes
11K Followers 6K Following Yeah I know it's twitter, but fuck you. I can still be nice and sincere, and fuck off if you don't like it.
Lisan Al-Gaib's Curly.. @_somearts_
318 Followers 712 Following Advertisement | Once tried Sushi | Metaphors & Mushrooms | MS-Word | Account Based on a True Story | Revolution for Representational Purposes Only
Smug Minion #87,612 @Frankster1044
194 Followers 300 Following Tonsils and Adenoid Removal Survivor. Heart Valve Replacement Survivor. Congestive Heart Failure Survivor. COPD/Emphysema Survivor. Corny dogs will kill me.
Myrna Tellingheusen @PearlsFromMyrna
147K Followers 90 Following NOW ON MASTODON @[email protected] Retired executive secretary for Mr. Stanley Bogenshoots, Senior Vice President at Hughes Aircraft.
Captain James West @solfeggio777
5K Followers 2K Following An advocate of truth, liberty and natural rights. University of Chicago, MIT. Author, Screenwriter & InfoSec Journalist
Nadia Ambrosetti @galateia
15 Followers 45 Following Graduated in History of Art; in Computer Science; Ph.D. in Computer Science. Now working @ Ufficio Scolastico di Milano and teaching @ University of Milan.
Adrian Dad @StyloDad
5K Followers 4K Following Mother: You can tell me, use your words. Child: You can solve it, use your podcasts.
Tim Lees @TimLees2
300 Followers 251 Following Novelist, short story writer, Brit in Chicago. Married to a lovely woman. Supplier of treats and official door-opener for a small dog.
Andrew Klavan @andrewklavan
302K Followers 2K Following Author, screenwriter. Nominated for Edgar Award 5 times, won twice. Host of "The Andrew Klavan Show" at the @realDailyWire. https://t.co/OaxK4vX8pU
Mental Masochist @SentientSadist
4K Followers 3K Following Ambers love was like a marble. https://t.co/BxpuuWMpVD
Jeremy writes palindr.. @pdromeprompt
36K Followers 38K Following Catastrophically old psychotherapist and Boston fan. Into finding money on the sidewalk & writing palindromes. I follow back.
Chloe Cole ⭐️ @ChoooCole
209K Followers 1K Following 19 ⋆ 🇺🇸 ⋆ suspiciously photogenic ⋆ XX ⋆ former trans kid 🦎 T + Blockers at 13, Double Mastectomy at 15, detransed at 16 [email protected]
Bryan Wallace @funkajellomello
3K Followers 3K Following Word play that makes a difference, or puts a smile on the face...
Monty Boa @MontyBoa99
34K Followers 14K Following 🇺🇸 #BidenHarris2024 🇺🇸 #NukeTheFilibuster — End the tyranny of the Minority. Vote out pro-Kremlin Republicans. #ExpandTheCourt.
Thribbulous @Thribbulous
2K Followers 5K Following Former non-specific artichoke. Now identifying as an art-deco lighting fixture. Cashier number four, please.
Live Laugh Love @livel4aughlove
108K Followers 28 Following
𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉.. @MoMohler
7K Followers 5K Following Rated 100% pure, grade A, American “little beef boy” by JD Power And Associates.
@AlexNevilAgain @AlexNevilAgain
1K Followers 1K Following I am Elon Musk. You don’t need to parody me. I’m obviously perfectly capable of doing it myself.
Just a Chloe @CArmanthegirl
41K Followers 12K Following Please retweet my retweets, that’s what they are for
❤️🔥PamsMyth.. @mrsauntiepam
4K Followers 2K Following The answer is granny panties and a tank top, stop asking. If you want to - find me at that blue place I guess, it's going to get quiet here ⬅️
Misanalyses 🐙 @LaFaeVerte__
3K Followers 3K Following It's all over for me when your ego surpasses your wit. Not user friendly. Tweets have an aftertaste. #INFJ #introvert #almostdead #scorpiorising
Syd @DropDeadJud
13K Followers 2K Following “What’s a pretty place like this doing around a girl like you?”
RubyRedDress💕💕�.. @DressRuby
1K Followers 1K Following Sometimes shy. I love words. Married with children. ARMY vet. https://t.co/B4tsNrRns0
Deestress77 @deestress77
2K Followers 4K Following I have a black belt in existential Metalhead, Stones, 80's. If it's weird, odd, or morbid I'm probably into it. Proud Boston girl!
Blather Wince Repeat @xerxesbigboy
2K Followers 2K Following Showing blithe disregard for those who so blithely disregard.
Bob R Bogle @BobRBogle
13K Followers 14K Following 🐙🔬🦠 New novel #UpTheCreek: https://t.co/e4reyNQ3tQ Silence, exile, and cunning.
Rowdy⚡Introvert @Rowdy_Introvert
4K Followers 4K Following Skilled typoist. The ⚡ is for #PatHead I am a God-fearing man who's married to @shy_extravert #PutThatInYourPipe https://t.co/a7KVTlIBjz…
Jason Anderson @Roark_JWA
665 Followers 263 Following
your other mom @difficultpatty
37K Followers 964 Following Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. https://t.co/sVPCoTC4Pw
@𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚔𝚏.. @MrErikJackson
4K Followers 5K Following writer for stage, page & screen // mostly on hiatus since musk ruined this place // let’s meet up on the other platforms
⭐ Lisa, Duchess of .. @MsLisaM
30K Followers 4K Following movies. music. cats. pistachios. laughter.Sure I'd love to buy your handmade soap, local weirdo
I Just want you to know. If you guys get drafted into WWIII, I'll be thinking of you every day.
Look who's on Gilligan's Island
Anne of Green Gables makes more sense once you realize she has a personality disorder.
The reason why Gen X doesn't look their age is because we are well preserved with all of the Aqua Net we used in the 80s.
As much as I enjoy seething hatred, bigotry and dishonesty, here is my explanation of the scripture behind my theology so you can understand that I am right and you are wrong. I look forward to your abject apologies - because that's the way this social media thing works, right?
My friend @andrewklavan joins us to discuss Christ is King, antisemitism and @benshapiro @jordanbpeterson: youtu.be/65GeTiHOY5k?si…
No one with whom I have aligned my life knows how to hurry.
Hey Gen X, Most of us are now older than Wilford Brimley was when fimed "Cocoon." Have a nice day!
I watched a video of a swan surfing. Find it yourself. There can't be that many.
Rather than reneging on its contract with Ronna McDaniel, NBC should renege on all its contracts and completely shut down its news division.
Have you ever had jalapeño RELISH?? We made this. You should try it! It’s the perfect stocking stuffed and it’s on sale now! happyhals.com/shop?fbclid=PA…
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I watched the new "Road House." If you were going to watch it I suggest watching the original first and then go to bed.
The older I get the more I realize the people on Gilligan's Island were lucky.
Each of you must send me $50 or on April the 8th i will make the Sun disappear
I'm always on his side but Bugs Bunny brings a lot of these problems on himself
It targets fine lines, which is good. But it also corrects sallowness, which I want to keep (people bring me casseroles).
Biden is awake and platitudinous. This is boring.
Rewatching Cocaine Bear and it's really a masterpiece.
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