Ꮍᴀᴇʟ @elle91
Writer, animal foster person, 69 inches tall. If you let me write for your thing, I'll kiss you right on the head. Venmo/yael91, IG/the.yael amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls… Chicago, IL Joined December 2008-
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Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like "that was so easy, I will do this every day" and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
George Zimmerman walked so Kyle Rittenhouse could do whatever this is.
Side effects may include: -Insomnia -Stomach ache -The inability to control your own thoughts or actions -Spontaneous combustion -Making a man fall in love with you and then locking him in a remote house to die alone -Unironically saying "that's a cool Tesla" -Death, but worse
Side effects may include: -Insomnia -Stomach ache -The inability to control your own thoughts or actions -Spontaneous combustion -Making a man fall in love with you and then locking him in a remote house to die alone -Unironically saying "that's a cool Tesla" -Death, but worse
A background check, but to see if a dude has ever unironically referred to them as "bazongas" before I let him anywhere near mine.
{me watching a fight at a hockey game} i think they’re just pissed off bc the floor is so slippery.
White supremacist march attendees are mostly men because they don’t know how to make women come.
White supremacist march attendees are mostly men because they don’t know how to make women come.
If only @GovKristiNoem could've given that puppy the same consideration she'd give a cluster of developing cells inside a 12-year-old rape victim's uterus.
If I got poisoned and someone posted the only recipe for an antidote on Pinterest, i would simply die
I never feel like more of an adult than when I'm refilling my purse advil with my bathroom advil because I used it up refilling my car advil.
I know it came first, but The Brave Little Toaster is just Toy Story with household appliances and significantly more suicide.
I need one of those little laptop fans that keeps your computer from overheating when it gets too overwhelmed, but for my brain.
Probably the craziest thing about being an adult is that you have to answer the door by yourself. Big dude knocks & says he's there to fix your internet? You can't get your mom. you just let him into your apartment alone and close the door behind you and hope he doesn't kill you
Here are the top 5 times: 1. 7:32pm (indisputably the best time) 2. 2:44pm (has its critics but an all-round excellent time) 3. 9:51pm (not too early, not too late) 4. 3:07am (chances of being required to attend a meeting at 3:07am? Low) 5. 11:38am (the connoisseur's lunch time)
Becoming a cult leader until I have just enough followers to start a ska band.
"In a civil society, you should get to murder people who inconvenience you"
"In a civil society, you should get to murder people who inconvenience you"
"Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life." OK well I love adding the Brazzers logo to dude's dating profile pictures. Do I still have to go to work, or
jon drake @DrakeGatsby
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22 Followers 110 Following caught in an unexpected cycle of do-goodery - send helpOptimisticAngel @onlyneedlove24
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509 Followers 596 Following I am the Golden Spike of the Temple of Fuck You copyright / iconic americanspeakers on blast🔻 @speakers0nblast
277 Followers 937 Following agitprop and absurdity. Pro: animals, banter, silliness Anti: capitalism, colonialism, fascism, racism, sexism, all the stupid asshole-isms basicallyWelfare Toys @WelfareToys
452 Followers 445 Following Season 3 of The Cosby Show | Tony Hawk's Slow Skater | Winner of The ABC Primetime Rerun Award for my role as Dr. Shultz on Family Ties | #vistra4vrMakayla Peebles @QueenofDeath98
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15 Followers 1K FollowingCosh @voshmosh
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50 Followers 333 FollowingCat Carrington (Cat T.. @CatTyler1
100 Followers 240 Following Stage Manager, Scout, love cats and books!Salman Odeh @SalmanOdeh18144
5 Followers 52 Followingمعمل الصفا @I6UurjxO617oNHN
86 Followers 1K Followingjon drake @DrakeGatsby
112K Followers 2K Following they must have amnesia, they forgot that im him. 1/2 of @blastzonepod. senior brand strategist for @trymetafyRoxi Horror 💀🌸 @roxiqt
65K Followers 1K Following Extremely online internet gremlin & comedy content creator 🥄💜 @roxiqt on Bluesky & TikTok 🦝 https://t.co/JbrOVGHJgp ✨maura quint @behindyourback
114K Followers 1K Following Elon Musk is a piss baby. Rarely checking this account. Follow me at mauraquint on bluesky, insta, tt, etc. Contact: quintmaura@ gmailAndrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau
89K Followers 1K Following Comedian, Writer, Founder of Persona Essential Social Media Management, writer of @GrimAndGrahamNapcore Influencer @SortaBad
62K Followers 796 Following @sortaokaytbh if we are pals. Solana + Metis + Avax ecosystem maxiFRO VO @fro_vo
42K Followers 1K Following 🦋 @frovo.bsky.social - - TOP TWEETS: https://t.co/NZPHrTUDjC -- Recent Tweets: https://t.co/4WK3dR41F1 -- STORE: https://t.co/YaxNssq5DCEden Dranger @Eden_Eats
91K Followers 643 Following Sorry I don’t have the “NUDES" in my bio you were looking for (I write TV shows and movies).mike ginn @shutupmikeginn
209K Followers 1K FollowingViktor Winetrout @Cpin42
26K Followers 652 Following Creator of @Sorrowscopes & @WeirdCelebTwets https://t.co/fJ5BJjLtIbsweatpants cher🔸 @House_Feminist
32K Followers 633 Following • unverified account • orca sympathizer • she/her • 🔴 alt @thot_feministjo @whatsJo
48K Followers 968 Following b-side. I eat popsicles for breakfast. Trial ft error. 🤖rights. crusha bit, lil bit✨dan mentos @DanMentos
88K Followers 652 FollowingRads @_radsy
35K Followers 942 Following Everything in moderation, except for snacks. https://t.co/5nYXnwFkTsaudrey farnsworth @audipenny
43K Followers 852 Following writer. @audipenny on IG / important newsletter @ https://t.co/bZaZufPQ3K / comics at @scaretownusadick snickers @smithsara79
41K Followers 830 Following My name isn’t really sara; I just don't want my students googling me & finding out I say fuck. (any pronouns, just don’t be an asshole)Eric Zhu @ericzhu105
44K Followers 1K Following 16 years old | Co-Founder @joinaviato | Investor @BachmanityFund💫Rp2D2 - Now on BlueSk.. @Rp2D2
233 Followers 486 Following Wine lover, Event goddess, Disney fanatic, Texan in my soul, and College Football devotee. Trust me, I’m not worth a follow. https://t.co/yjYHIAhFSZMark Primiano @Doctor1Hundred
7K Followers 637 Following I used to write about sports. Now I do surgeries. I love you. I'm glad I exist.Dadof2Boys @Dadof2crazyboys
4K Followers 1K Following Account is closely monitored by my mother who tells my wife.Lynda Carter @RealLyndaCarter
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11K Followers 32 Following Comics featuring Grim Reaper and his trainee, Graham. IG: https://t.co/K5EMqcKi9Z Words by @TheAndrewNadeau | Drawing by @wonder_city_david cross✍ @davidcrosss
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10K Followers 1K Following Chicago animal rescue saving dogs, cats, and critters of all ages and finding each the best home. Visit our Adoption Center at 2144 N. Wood!Elle Has Cats (and AD.. @ellle_em
71K Followers 8K Following USian in Spain. accidentally started an unofficial cat refuge. they/them. I'm sorry but I talk about sports sometimesSARAH SQUIRM @SarahSquirm
106K Followers 3K Following 🤡 sarah sherman on @nbcsnl 🪱 😛 come see me on tour 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 + 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐇! 🧠Michael James Schneid.. @BLCKSMTHdesign
21K Followers 828 Following bless this mess. (IG: blcksmth) he/himwhalefact @awhalefact
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93K Followers 2K Followingely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl
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37K Followers 625 Following just body after body busting out of shit wood and hittin pavementBo Burnham @boburnham
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774K Followers 10 Following celebrating wins, sweet, funny, and girly things :) @jasminericegirljordan @jordan_stratton
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212K Followers 2K Following Twitter is a terrible place for people who don’t want to know what you think of them. (she/her please thank you)Mike Birbiglia @birbigs
630K Followers 2K Following My new standup special, The Old Man & The Pool, is available on Netflix. Currently on tour in a city near you.kristofer thomas @kristoferthomas
91K Followers 591 Following comic, tv/screenwriter, idiot. mgmt: brillstein #WritersGuildOnStrike #WGAStrongJust want all my little sweethearts to know if you ever tell a guy to stop, even during sex, and he doesnt, it is r@pe. I also want you to know if he's dating someone this young especially someone who cant even drink, when he's close to 40, its cause he's a loser.
Me tweeting this made it arrive. I AM BEYOND POWERFUL.
The library has claimed that the book I have on hold has been "in transit" since last Tuesday. I feel like I'm getting flimflammed here.
Why would Republicans want to end cancer? They ARE cancer.
BREAKING: In efforts to prevent President Biden from getting a political win, Republicans are cutting funding to President Biden’s Cancer Moonshot program to end cancer. Republicans are fully exposing their awfulness today.
New "Clue" just dropped
Mystery monkey found in woman's conservatory bbc.in/3QnKApe
So weird that January lasted 75 years and April lasted 12 seconds.
Every so often I remind people about the best tweet ever written.
Heard a guy *ease* into an Arnold Palmer order: "Do you have iced tea? What about lemonade?"
Remember that show Trading Spaces where your neighbors would come over and spray paint your fireplace teal and glue faux fur to your hardwood floors?
George Zimmerman walked so Kyle Rittenhouse could do whatever this is.
husband: look, you’d love this me: oh I do, but I wouldn’t get it because you’d say I need to be able to see out in case— [at the same time]: there was a T-REX!
It’s the one year anniversary of the worst thing that’s ever happened to me
How much do u think a vest costs
Excited to announce I’ve been paid $5,000,000 for my new comedy special, “They Won’t Let You Do Comedy Anymore” for a big streamer. It’s shot at an opera house that sits 5,000 cheering fans. My opening bit will be about me being silenced. The rest will be how much I hate my wife
Please stop tagging me with this. It could not have been me - I was over half a kilometer away when this burglary occurred.
Investigators have released a computer generated image of a man they would like to identify in connection with a burglary in Tunbridge Wells. kent.police.uk/news/kent/late…
@rcwmsn Dude bought 459 mangos! Diarrhea is what is going to tear his family apart.
@elle91 I’m gonna be honest I wasn’t super confident about how this would go
Every part of this video plays like an adult swim cartoon from 2009
Now You know - How Neuralink Works 🧠 Credit @zackdfilms