kim @KimmyMonte
hi. welcome. venmo: Kimmy-Monte https://t.co/HePfGVibPb Instagram.com/Kimmymonte_twe… blink 182 Joined March 2010-
Tweets48K
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Followers29K
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Following914
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Likes101K
promise me you’ll all make sure no one reads all my deleted tweets at my funeral.
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me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially. doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
kim retweeted
Yeah I’m DTF Doing The best I can and Fucking it up anyway
kim retweeted
I need one of those little laptop fans that keeps your computer from overheating when it gets too overwhelmed, but for my brain.
{as i’m laying on my deathbed} my husband: before you go, where do we keep the big scissors again?
good morning. i’m ready to face the day and take everything personally.
coworker: hey kim, we’re all going out to dinner next wednesday after work can you make it? me: no thanks i’m not hungry.
my phone suggesting a strong password: kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
kim retweeted
My laptop: *cannot find printer* Me: *gesturing* look it's right there
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
when you write “af” do you mean “as fuck”, “ass fuck” or “aluminum foil”? i’m not a fucken mind reader.
please wish simon a very happy gotcha day! the bestest little boy in the whole world 🌎 thank you for making my life so much happier❤️❤️❤️❤️
{me watching a fight at a hockey game} i think they’re just pissed off bc the floor is so slippery.
kim retweeted
I'm walking on sunshine you stupid bitch
“no worries! all good!” me when i’m 100% worried and it’s not good.
the reason why the adults from Charlie Brown spoke the way they did is bc their throats were always swollen due to their Peanut allergies.. folks,,,,
see when you can’t sleep & count cows instead of sheep it’s pasture bedtime. thank you
it’s always smart to carry a knife on you at all times in case you run into someone w 10,000 spoons
the cashier at TJ Maxx just asked me if i needed to pick up any gifts for mother’s day bc they just got a bunch in so i said “no thanks, she’s dead” and she just stared at me for 30 seconds then asked if i wanted to save 20% by opening up a TJ Maxx rewards card.
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the periodic table is missing the element of surprise . boo!
Yeah I’m DTF Doing The best I can and Fucking it up anyway
I need one of those little laptop fans that keeps your computer from overheating when it gets too overwhelmed, but for my brain.
Today I was at Trader Joe's and Piano Man was playing and the checkout guy said "this is the worst song in the history of music" which was refreshing because I don't think the checkout people at TJs are allowed to say things like that. I appreciated his secret rebellion.
Miss Moo just stole your kidneys. Say thank you
Ned wanted to take a photo of us on his phone. 😭 He’s the sweetest ever!!
Rotisserie is a beautiful name for a baby
Took a limo to the store but a hand kept out from behind a black divider to grab at the ice and it had a superbowl ring on it.
On this day 8 years ago, blink-182 released Bored To Death! 💀🤘
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f r i d a y n i g h t
The NBA should have jeans night. I wanna see how good they play in jeans
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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