Melissa @awkwardenabled
This place is wild. https://t.co/L9MScYD1zS twitter.com/search?q=from%… Instagram: Mellustrations914 Joined January 2012-
Tweets69K
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Followers11K
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Following950
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Likes84K
Melissa retweeted
save the ocean?? bring back my bonnie to me and maybe we'll talk
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Melissa retweeted
People who don’t drink coffee are so fucking proud of themselves
Melissa retweeted
If I were a dental hygienist I would tell my patients insane stories just to see their eyes go wide
Melissa retweeted
Hey great call on putting two bags of cereal in one box. It works really well and doesn’t fill me with unfathomable rage
Melissa retweeted
My Gen Z coworker was talking about a new cleanse but I thought she was talking about doing drugs this weekend and I blurted "when I was a girl we did whippets are those still popular?" which was met with much confusion and an AARP email that spontaneously arrived in my inbox
Melissa retweeted
My dad has beers with his buddies each Wednesday and makes a list of things to talk about beforehand and it is the cutest thing in the world!
Melissa retweeted
Damn girl, are you a parking ticket? Because you have FINE written all over you. Also, there’s a warrant out for your arrest for all these unpaid parking tickets. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you
Melissa retweeted
Performing Julia Stiles audition dance from Save the Last Dance in court.
Melissa retweeted
You wouldn’t last a millenium on the falcon where they raised me.
Melissa retweeted
I have never once protected my peace. my nervous system knows only war. i’m like the evil red cross. i’m can’tada.
Melissa retweeted
Me: *bending over to kiss yet another frog* You must know that I find you absolutely ribbeting. FBI: *on the phone* I don’t- he’s fine I guess.
Melissa retweeted
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He's very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Melissa retweeted
There's a woman I worry doesn't like me, and so I awkwardly overcompensate and I just gave her a weird thumbs up. There's no telling what I'll do tomorrow. Salute? Finger guns?
Melissa retweeted
first date idea we roll down a hill like a couple of logs
Melissa retweeted
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Melissa retweeted
Eggwater would be a really pretty name for a baby girl
Melissa retweeted
you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
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143 Followers 116 Followingsave the ocean?? bring back my bonnie to me and maybe we'll talk
Me: *bending over to kiss yet another frog* You must know that I find you absolutely ribbeting. FBI: *on the phone* I don’t- he’s fine I guess.
@ilovepie84 it's the culinary equivalent of not watching Game of Thrones
People who don’t drink coffee are so fucking proud of themselves
If I were a dental hygienist I would tell my patients insane stories just to see their eyes go wide
"How the mighty have fallen," l lament while sipping my shower water
Hey great call on putting two bags of cereal in one box. It works really well and doesn’t fill me with unfathomable rage
My Gen Z coworker was talking about a new cleanse but I thought she was talking about doing drugs this weekend and I blurted "when I was a girl we did whippets are those still popular?" which was met with much confusion and an AARP email that spontaneously arrived in my inbox
@awkwardenabled He was on a diet but wanted to trick his brain
@awkwardenabled My guess he was just getting a hint of soda flavor in the water
@awkwardenabled @joelgarry Tab! What a beautiful drink. Tab! For beautiful people. Tab! You're beautiful to me.
@awkwardenabled They were laced 🛸🎈🦋🪬🌈He gathering proof 🌈🪬🦋🐌✨🎈🍎
@Andymon1961 @awkwardenabled Still, he'd draw less attention to himself by just, you know - drinking soda from the cans and then fill up with booze. Which he'd have to do anyway ...
@awkwardenabled Homeopathy? Was it Tab? Did he have cancer?
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