AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip
I'm not a white carrot. I don't like to boast, but you probably won't find a cooler parsnip on Twitter. Avi by the talented @fro_vo favstar.fm/users/thinking… Joined July 2015-
Tweets4K
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Followers1K
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Following329
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Likes6K
Hey! I’ve missed y’all so I decided to drop in for a visit. I’ll be in and out for the next day or two; shoot me a DM to say hi if you want!
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AFK Parsnip retweeted
[inventing the boomerang] OH SHIT, IT'S BACK
AFK Parsnip retweeted
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
AFK Parsnip retweeted
ME: What age do you recommend teaching your cat to use swords? VET: Uh, never? ME: You're right, true swordmasters are born with the gift.
Do NOT trust people when they say to use rhubarb wire to keep your livestock in. They will just eat the wire.
AFK Parsnip retweeted
I want to meet a girl the old fashion way, but surgeons say making a woman out of a rib is impossible.
AFK Parsnip retweeted
Butt More butt* Buttest * I can't believe it's not butter.
AFK Parsnip retweeted
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects? me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Henlo veg friends I am not in a soup. I hath returniped.
BOY: I like your dress. It's classy. GIRL: It's because I made it out of ground wheat. B: What? G: It's flour-length.
AFK Parsnip retweeted
*scribbling furiously on IQ test* me: done! invigilator: i see you've drawn several dicks *into walkie-talkie* better get Mensa down here
AFK Parsnip retweeted
[ME, LEAVING THE GYM]: I'm here all weak!
AFK Parsnip retweeted
[bee in the room] friend,dumb: ugh why won't it go out the door its open? me, smart: maybe it doesn't understand the concept of doors greg
AFK Parsnip retweeted
You: I've been listening to lots of Modest Mouse lately. Me, an intellectual: I too am an aficionado of humble rodents
AFK Parsnip retweeted
Are you supposed to take melatonin before or after combing your teeth?
AFK Parsnip retweeted
Anytime I talk about Christopher Reeves before his accident I refer to him as Christopher Walken.
AFK Parsnip retweeted
My liver is filing for a Divorce with me. Apparently I cheated on it last night by having a glass of water.
AFK Parsnip retweeted
Best #Starbucks Drinks Karma muffuletta Pumpkin spiced death Venti Benedict Cumberbatch OMG I CANT EVEN UGG bootacino Corn on Soap Roast
AFK Parsnip retweeted
Little kid said he wasn't ticklish. In hindsight, chasing him around threatening to prove it with my test tickles may have been ill advised.
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