Dɑtɱɑƞ @Inconsteveable
I hatched from a Cadburys Creme Egg in the 1700s. Live in a travelling circus. My Native American name is He Who Runs With Scissors. favstar.fm/users/Inconste… Out there... in the shadows. Joined April 2009-
Tweets7K
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Followers4K
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Following590
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Likes114K
The sad thing about being attractive is that nobody ever says it back when you compliment them. They just assume you know and go off completely unaware you are just as conscious of your looks as everyone else. If not, more so.
There's already a 1080p (5.1 Dolby Audio) copy of Kung Fu Panda 4 out on the net. Jack Sparrow has no idea how many pirates he actually spawned.
Is there a helpline for people addicted to buying absolute crap on Temu? Asking for a friend... Obviously not me... Wait! Just received notification I can save £200 if I spend £10 on some other shit I don't really need in the next 10 mins?? Take my money...
Sweet n Sour Cola bottle candy takes me straight back to my childhood...
I'm not saying they love me in work, but they've only printed me a special name tag...
My guilty pleasures are Scott Adkins movies. Not in a gay way, but he seems like a more realistic English pisstaker. Like Jason Statham before he turned Hollywood.
Anybody who thinks Chris Nolan's Inception (2010) visualisation was "groundbreaking" needs to check the credit intro of Mirrors (2008)...
What's your favourite version/edition of Call of Duty, and why?
I'm not saying I have superpowers or anything, but 4 of my exs included "The Power of Love" in our playlists when we were together...
I'm not saying I could, or would fix things - but the world would feel slightly better if I had a lightsaber...
I wish I had the confidence of my dogs as they lazily stroll down the unlight hallway... To the darkened kitchen... Passing the ghost and the Demon from The Conjuring...
You ever look up an old acquaintance on Facebook and think, "How'd that brain-dead, redneck, chicken-fucker ever pull a girl that sweet?".
It's not substance abuse, it's substance appreciation
I wonder what dogs call dicks? Is it one bark? Two barks? A howl? If it's a male and female living together, You can safely guess they both know how to whimper the "dog" word for headache...
"Do you want to receive 5 emails a day for the rest of your life? Order some cheap crap from Temu with free delivery, and we will happily oblige."
The trouble with growing your hair long is the "inbetween" stage, which makes you look like a hobo.
I'm not one to send Christmas cards. However, I do like receiving them. They keep me in roaches and joints for months.
Kinda weird A.D. gets a Latin translation as "Anno Domini" Yet, B.C. simply means "before Christ." Did some translator/scribe, get bored of translating and thought "Fuck it. Pencil it in as Before Christ & we'll edit it later so it gives us the first 4 letters of the alphabet."'
Once you notice how much a "lady" on the Interweb tsks and sighs as she settles into bed, you can't ignore it and it puts you off your stroke...
A quick nip of brandy in their bedtime nightcap...??. Unless, of course, they are aged 5 years and 1 day 🤣🤣🤣 m.facebook.com/story.php?stor…
Tony P. @Tbone7219
43K Followers 19K Following
Amish Super Model �.. @AmishSuperModel
56K Followers 18K Following Gracing the hottest runways from Paris to Lancaster! Also featured in Amish Vogue & Amish GQ https://t.co/izJtz2t0DD
Shane @shanethevein
18K Followers 3K Following I don't care about politics, especially yours. Padres fan.
Verifried Drunk™®�.. @VerifiedDrunk
28K Followers 2K Following The later the tweet, the drunker I am. it/that/drunk
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2
Craving @calluptome
15K Followers 5K Following wifey @JaymianaJones & I have seen it all used to travel now wants to hide ❤️horror films https://t.co/j1tRiOtekK
Rock⚡️God @redpawn3
8K Followers 5K Following An actual Rock⚡️God. Open and notorious declaration since 2010.
Bob Kostic @causticbob
198K Followers 204K Following 1...., Computer nrd, chocoholic, pizzaholic, scifi, Dr Who, horror, science, classic rock, fitness, owned by 2 cats, i tweet a lot!
JRGin @GinRumMe
21K Followers 11K Following Eat Sleep RockN’Roll. Still from Twitter. Recents: https://t.co/znpZjkqqT3 (Favorites next link).
Scott Linnen @ScottLinnen
17K Followers 2K Following Hamburger Helper. Because a severed hand told me to.
PieGuy @ilovepie84
30K Followers 6K Following My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band. https://t.co/JhWCxIXYbK
Garrett Terrell @GarrettTerrell_
724 Followers 2K Following 60 Units. Created a Real Estate Fund at 28 years old. Fix and Flipper turned into a MHP operator. Former D1 Baseball @uiwbaseball Living in AZ 🌵 ☀️
Lady D kate @shaygurl3209
756 Followers 4K Following Artist ,The article people are a gift from https://t.co/SNHfn3dLa8 achieve more by giving colors to people's https://t.co/2ZSkK5Vb88 can change everything 🎨🖼️🦋
UK Savvy Saver @UKSavvySaver
729 Followers 2K Following The UK's Best Money Saving Community with over 750,000 followers across all our pages. #Savvy #Saver #Budget
magin martin @brainastics88
70 Followers 242 Following
AWOLPSYCHO @ooMATTYJONESoo
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Myandra's Mesmeric �.. @MyandraM
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Karly Kingsley @karlykingsley
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DeUna @DeUna23755966
262 Followers 4K Following
Maria Daniels @NaturalAppFit
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Gayshitonly @Gayshitonly2
5 Followers 110 Following
Bewke bewke @BewkeB
95 Followers 227 Following
A poorly put together.. @OGPoutyMcgee
7K Followers 3K Following If you are what you wish you could eat then I’m Tom Selleck’s fat ol’ dick.
Rafe Spall @rafe_spall
47 Followers 193 Following
NG 🇨🇦🚜 @Northerngent4
14K Followers 7K Following I’m here to share laughs. Kindness first, friend, father and husband. It’s your body do what you want.Co-creator of #BitchSyrup, I’m soUrry.
Zeno Calhoun @zenoc_oshits
3K Followers 801 Following ..Sharer of TWITTER banned accounts that on many other platforms to spread the word.
eli @thisdayisyours
18K Followers 11K Following
Edward Katz 💎 @FML_USA
5K Followers 4K Following The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane. - Marcus Aurelius
Confused K @confusedKx
355 Followers 1K Following I deleted my old twitter I’d had since 2009, completely, by accident.
Spirit Fire @SaddlebagsOfCS
428 Followers 2K Following I'm your huckleberry. Holding down the fort here off the coast of Kansas.
Douglas Wayne @Bound2Liberty
3K Followers 3K Following Don't even bother trying to insult me, I've been called far worse things, by far better people than you!
Bob Delhi @ColinOC82698425
871 Followers 3K Following “It’s the friends you can call up at four a.m. that matter.” Please note that anything in quotes are NOT my words.
Funny Tweeter @thefunnytweeter
12K Followers 4K Following If we retweet you, that means your tweet was published in http://t.co/PGa2xGXP. To submit a tweet, use http://t.co/dgSEBxyE
Erica Freeman @ericadawn16
973 Followers 5K Following I was born and raised in Florida where I remain to this day. Sometimes, I'm a Spoiled Girl who wants to know everyone who dies and buy the latest Funko.
SkinnyFatz-The Blacke.. @FatzSkinny
404 Followers 880 Following Im a movie buff and sick of SJW's getting in the way of good film making, i don't give a crap about political agenda's i just wanna see good films. #NEVERWOKE
𝕷𝖎𝖙𝖙𝖑�.. @LittleBeast7
2K Followers 611 Following No DMs My heart belongs to the man who will fight for it ❤
Koko B. Ware @londonjohnnyo
128 Followers 875 Following Zenoc_oshits back after being BANNED on TWITTER Londoner now living in Texas 🇺🇸 my ORIGINAL ACCOUNT is Zeno Calhoun @zenoc_oshits
Failing Upwards @cgrady357
2K Followers 4K Following I will use bright lights and shiny objects to distract and confuse you.
Tony Fox @Foxy_Tony
142 Followers 618 Following I’m sorry I’m late. I got here as soon as I felt like it.
Your D @DuncanAhren
210 Followers 370 Following Ranked #1 dick pic provider, Ranked #2436289523 funniest tweeter. The Dalai Lama approves of this ad, or he should... Not even bots follow me
Hermit Jacob Goodbar @HermitJGoodbar
235 Followers 1K Following Homeless & shirtless.Eats cream cheese mainly. Fan of Glitch Hop. Daybreak cask wine Ambassador K!!!
The Cultured Ruffian @CulturedRuffian
246K Followers 82K Following Instagram: @theculturedruffian Donut Dad Bod. Tweets are mine, videos aren't. https://t.co/hvJ5WZMGRd
Brian, (with an i) th.. @Brian_P4Real
20K Followers 19K Following Send Lawyers, Guns & Money, the shit has hit the fan. |father of 3 & ❤️ my wife | sarcasm from the Dad side of life. Unverified AF💥
Prateek Bharwaj @BharwajPrateek
14 Followers 1K Following
Nebraska Loves Cats @1stStChappellNE
270 Followers 3K Following State Licensed Animal Rescue and Made to Order Pet Fine Art Store in Chappell NE est. in 2016 https://t.co/WNplzuBm5z
Sandy @Sandy_106
27 Followers 516 Following
🌹Mel🌹 @moodyflufnstuf
8K Followers 4K Following Don't put anything in your bio, no one will read it. https://t.co/gtEwGk9RMf
Senti-Mental Breakdow.. @kevinmonday75
907 Followers 5K Following Love one woman and MANY guitars. Professional smartass and CEO of Sac Deep Inc.
ain’t no sunshine @cathlab_lacky
1K Followers 4K Following Cardiac Cath Lab RN, US ARMY veteran, CA survivor, awful putt putt golfer, voracious reader, really good cook, uno champ 2015, snark is an art form.
Girl, Caffeinated ☕ @girIcaffeinated
928 Followers 1K Following She/They. Caffeinated. 🏳️🌈 | ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿 | 👾 (Just be kind, dammit.)
Darla @ddsmidt
38K Followers 13K Following I don't take any of this nonsense too seriously. Here's some links to my tweets: https://t.co/GSnadPOMAS
Bourbon Bomb @SwtBourbonKiss
18K Followers 8K Following Just living the imperfect life. Laughter, Whiskey, Pets, and potholes.
Tony P. @Tbone7219
43K Followers 19K Following
Amish Super Model �.. @AmishSuperModel
56K Followers 18K Following Gracing the hottest runways from Paris to Lancaster! Also featured in Amish Vogue & Amish GQ https://t.co/izJtz2t0DD
Shane @shanethevein
18K Followers 3K Following I don't care about politics, especially yours. Padres fan.
Verifried Drunk™®�.. @VerifiedDrunk
28K Followers 2K Following The later the tweet, the drunker I am. it/that/drunk
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2
Craving @calluptome
15K Followers 5K Following wifey @JaymianaJones & I have seen it all used to travel now wants to hide ❤️horror films https://t.co/j1tRiOtekK
Rock⚡️God @redpawn3
8K Followers 5K Following An actual Rock⚡️God. Open and notorious declaration since 2010.
Bob Kostic @causticbob
198K Followers 204K Following 1...., Computer nrd, chocoholic, pizzaholic, scifi, Dr Who, horror, science, classic rock, fitness, owned by 2 cats, i tweet a lot!
JRGin @GinRumMe
21K Followers 11K Following Eat Sleep RockN’Roll. Still from Twitter. Recents: https://t.co/znpZjkqqT3 (Favorites next link).
Scott Linnen @ScottLinnen
17K Followers 2K Following Hamburger Helper. Because a severed hand told me to.
PieGuy @ilovepie84
30K Followers 6K Following My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band. https://t.co/JhWCxIXYbK
Susanna Reid @susannareid100
899K Followers 9K Following Presenter, journalist. @itv @gmb [email protected] Honorary Patron @palaceforlife
Random (and Fake!) Tr.. @RndmFakeTrivia
307 Followers 80 Following “Wait, really?” “No.” http://t.co/crbTNREawR These bits of “trivia” are entirely made up, 100% fake, and in no way reflect reality. Follow for a new “fact” every day!
No Context Brits @NoContextBrits
1.8M Followers 0 Following A celebration of Great Britain. Contains sarcasm, irony and context. Want to know how to really be a Brit? Link below.
Matthew Hahn @hahnscratch
54K Followers 991 Following union journeyman | former prisoner | Dhammācariya | program facilitator at Mindful Prisons and Boundless Freedom Project | sober 2005
Elon Musk @elonmusk
181.3M Followers 584 Following
MoneySavingExpert @MoneySavingExp
613K Followers 346 Following Founded by @MartinSLewis dedicated to cutting your costs, finding deals, beating the system & fighting your corner. Retweets aren't endorsements.
The Comedy Cellar @ComedyCellarUSA
53K Followers 1K Following It's an Age of Prohibition, and We're Running a Speakeasy
anon_opin 😡🗯 @anon_opin
210K Followers 1 Following Anonymous, occasionally unpopular, often niche opinions written by YOU. Edited by @robmanuel
Maria Daniels @NaturalAppFit
9K Followers 10K Following Great health starts INSIDE we don't focus on restrictive diets, but instead, teach you how to tap into your body's owning healing potential with real foods.
Jeremy Clarkson @JeremyClarkson
8.0M Followers 202 Following I am a still small voice of calm and reason.
Charley Boorman @charleyboorman
102K Followers 1K Following Hey guys this is my Twitter. I’ll post as much as I can. @longwaytv @quadlockcase @harley_ukI @appletv @belstaff @bremont @MyEnergiuk
Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole
1.1M Followers 600 Following Confess your sins anonymously - will the internet absolve you? 👖 Sponsored by @hebtroco - buy their lovely trousers 🩳 Buy *NEW* book https://t.co/opfREXuSjI
James Blunt @JamesBlunt
2.2M Followers 100 Following Cockney rhyming slang for the good stuff; Proof that one song is all you need. New album "Who We Used To Be" out now. On tour in 2024.
Dom Joly @domjoly
220K Followers 480 Following OG Blue Tick 😂 ON TOUR SEPT/OCT/NOV . New book out. Queries: [email protected]
Sam Oldman 🐀 @SamLoonie
1K Followers 1K Following Dog owner, cat hotelier, maker of lists, here for your keen observations of life. My Avi obligates me to 💟 cat pictures. Mastodon: [email protected]
Funny Tweeter @thefunnytweeter
12K Followers 4K Following If we retweet you, that means your tweet was published in http://t.co/PGa2xGXP. To submit a tweet, use http://t.co/dgSEBxyE
Captain Hubris @maverick6899
1K Followers 3K Following I'm just here to white-knight and virtue signal.
𝕷𝖎𝖙𝖙𝖑�.. @LittleBeast7
2K Followers 611 Following No DMs My heart belongs to the man who will fight for it ❤
Cis-Terradactyl @embryonicdragon
3K Followers 3K Following cisgender, impractical, ungovernable, magical, metamorphosed
Failing Upwards @cgrady357
2K Followers 4K Following I will use bright lights and shiny objects to distract and confuse you.
Austin Amy @austinamy8
2K Followers 2K Following that one girl, from that one thing, you saw that one time. coming soon to a theater near you
Your D @DuncanAhren
210 Followers 370 Following Ranked #1 dick pic provider, Ranked #2436289523 funniest tweeter. The Dalai Lama approves of this ad, or he should... Not even bots follow me
Stabitha ‘Stabby-sa.. @IsIsConfined
2K Followers 1K Following The CDC recommends that you DO NOT, under any circumstances, follow this account. But if you wanna know the truth about the Titanic, you will.
Brian, (with an i) th.. @Brian_P4Real
20K Followers 19K Following Send Lawyers, Guns & Money, the shit has hit the fan. |father of 3 & ❤️ my wife | sarcasm from the Dad side of life. Unverified AF💥
🌹Mel🌹 @moodyflufnstuf
8K Followers 4K Following Don't put anything in your bio, no one will read it. https://t.co/gtEwGk9RMf
Darla @ddsmidt
38K Followers 13K Following I don't take any of this nonsense too seriously. Here's some links to my tweets: https://t.co/GSnadPOMAS
Girl, Caffeinated ☕ @girIcaffeinated
928 Followers 1K Following She/They. Caffeinated. 🏳️🌈 | ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿 | 👾 (Just be kind, dammit.)
Bourbon Bomb @SwtBourbonKiss
18K Followers 8K Following Just living the imperfect life. Laughter, Whiskey, Pets, and potholes.
Blue Moon @BlueMoonNites
1K Followers 883 Following Meet Me Halfway Between Sun And Moon No DM unless you are the cute new neighbor.
ManFromAnotherPlace @Bristolian101
10K Followers 8K Following My father was a logging man… he met the devil. Fire is the devil, hiding like a coward in the smoke.
Angel Bliss @CherubicMilf
14K Followers 10K Following Host of multi-award-winning Accidentally Milf - Online Dating Adventures After 50 Podcast! https://t.co/YtguJBCHiW…
Jason @xJAS0N
30K Followers 1K Following This is what happens when I try to participate 🎒| Be grateful
Cydni Beer @cydbeer
14K Followers 6K Following My tweets get around but I do not. Humorist. https://t.co/SBV0jEeg2R
MichaelTrying @MichaelTrying
9K Followers 8K Following Perfecting the art of minding my own business. Nodding when crazy people talk is not endorsement.
Mayor P and 11 others.. @punmagnate
4K Followers 849 Following Morally obligated to RT your best and worst wordplay (probably the same thing). I am not my wife @sufficientcharm she loves animals more than you do
Gemma @gemma_angel7
1K Followers 4K Following
Miss Leah 💙 💜 �.. @LeahsLounge
42K Followers 28K Following Questionable Dating Advice • Kids & Dog Mom • BLM • Safe Abortions • Woke AF • Gardening. Dealing with the hot hell of menopause, so step back.
I often pour all different kinds of cleaning liquids, detergents, soaps and shampoos in the toilet to clean it. Pretending that I am a bomb maker from the 1980s. Never blown a toilet up yet. Made them very clean though.
I live near a hospice, so when driving home late at night I put my sat nav to it so if I'm caught speeding I can show the sat nav destination and protest my innocence.
@fesshole This is an absolutely pointless fess without naming names.
Family next door are condescending & up themselves. Gave the daughter a wedding gift a few weeks ago being nice. Got no thank you. Contacted the council anonymously about their rear extension which they've no planning permission for. They've got to tear it down. Manners matter
Client moved to rural Wales. Told management they're too important for telesales and need face to face. They're not. Sales barely cover petrol. They live near the best bakery I've ever been. I get a sausage roll and a cake and enjoy some beautiful scenery. All paid for by work.
As a kid, I didn't watch Star Wars. In 2015 I told the girl I fancied that I was a fan so I could see the new movie with her. Now, all of our mutual friends and her still think I'm a Star Wars fan and often buy me merch. I'm in too deep to come clean. Still haven't seen them.
For years I thought you could get a bent penis from wanking with one hand more than the other, on the plus side I'm as good now with my left as my right
I get paid a pretty obscene amount of money to do a job I could pay someone else less to do for me. I've pointed this out to my boss whose suggestion was that I keep schtum. Fair enough.
I had to take my child to A&E today. As we stood in the entrance doorway, I treated myself to a final outdoor fart before stepping inside, and lavishly and spectacularly shit myself. I now need to sit in this for the next 6 hours while waiting for the NHS to do it's thing. Go me.
Recently hired at my alma mater as a nude art model. Worried the students will find out I have a Masters from there and couldn't get hired doing anything else.
Guess who doesn’t have to worry about measles? Vaccinated people 👋
That's my career over, then.
Was a developer for a game franchise in the Nintendo 64 era. Was in a relationship with another dev at the same company. I hid a marriage proposal in one game, which she still has not found. I hope she never does find it. We broke up after she went insane & tried to stab me
A li'l retail therapy to make up for the self-inflicted horrors on netflix? My cart was just waiting for my paycheck to hit my account. BOOM.
@kellyk19781 @ginnymelons @bertford I’d put that on a piece and enjoy every bite. #Piechipsandbeans
@fesshole @Trudski2012 I see you baby, faking that stamp?
@fesshole 'i know what you did. All the best for the future .' From Nigel.
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