Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
The later the tweet, the drunker I am. it/that/drunk Drunk Tank Joined May 2009-
Tweets23K
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Followers28K
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Following2K
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Likes693K
Hear me out, a common sense coach…
If you can't close your eyes and pcture what every square inch of your lawn looks like what kind of a homeowner are you?
“I'm worth it" I whisper as I take a multivitamin for the first time in weeks
I'm just smart enough to know how stupid I am.
I'm not hateful. I still have room for more.
Once the thrill of being married to a stripper is over your just left with a person who always has change for five dollars.
Cut carbs? Like into smaller pieces?
Pretty sure my death notice will include the phrase: "Alcohol was a factor."
who was the first guy to look at a chicken and think you know what the breasts on that mf would taste awesome
Nothing really prepares you for the stench of children
I'm full of piss and vinegar. Worst. Buffet. Ever.
SATAN: Is there any way to make mornings worse? INVENTOR OF THE ALARM CLOCK: I'm about to blow your mind
Did you know you can disagree with someone's opinion without being an asshole about it?
Tragically, Jesus was never able to turn water into not getting crucified.
Therapist: Allow things to help you grow. Me: Oooh yes, you mean like cake?
Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.Scott Linnen @ScottLinnen
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62K Followers 796 Following @sortaokaytbh if we are pals. Solana + Metis + Avax ecosystem maxiC’est La Vie @Robert_Beau
57K Followers 50K Following Real Deal ~ Part Time Penis Model ~ Full Time AssholeB.C. Drury @BDGarp
15K Followers 4K Following BD. Author of Dreams of Perfection (2000). Online Film Critics Society alum, Rotten TomatoesThe Ciscokidder @TheCiscoKidder
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634 Followers 2K Following Nature knows no kings. “No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth." -PlatoZeitgeist Rodeo @BiglyBowski
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50 Followers 1K Following Gave up figuring it all out … sleepy guy with a real busy life … I like stuff and carry on somewhat satisfiedLamin Susso @LaminSusso22277
399 Followers 5K Following well am young man simple straight and loyalty is key to success an love make you a new friends and humanity thrust shall set you free onceBöb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.Scott Linnen @ScottLinnen
17K Followers 2K Following Hamburger Helper. Because a severed hand told me to.Napcore Influencer @SortaBad
62K Followers 796 Following @sortaokaytbh if we are pals. Solana + Metis + Avax ecosystem maxioctopus/caveman @octopuscaveman
32K Followers 2K Following cool ranch icarus, painter of LoveBots, king of diarrhea jokesC’est La Vie @Robert_Beau
57K Followers 50K Following Real Deal ~ Part Time Penis Model ~ Full Time AssholeB.C. Drury @BDGarp
15K Followers 4K Following BD. Author of Dreams of Perfection (2000). Online Film Critics Society alum, Rotten TomatoesThe Ciscokidder @TheCiscoKidder
36K Followers 12K Following 99% jokes, 100% Stay home dad, atheist, BLM, feminist, pro LGBTQ+ and left af. https://t.co/HpCbHaktUaThe Cultured Ruffian @CulturedRuffian
246K Followers 82K Following Instagram: @theculturedruffian Donut Dad Bod. Tweets are mine, videos aren't. https://t.co/hvJ5WZMGRdDan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVphAnnie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2Marcmywords @Marcmywords2
55K Followers 50K Following Tweeting Live From The Capital Of The Who Dat Nation. https://t.co/92vEozoAvoMariya Alexander @MariyaAlexander
20K Followers 931 Following Comedian and writer with a heart of cash for gold. Sentient meat sack. Very stable genius. https://t.co/btrGt4suBzIvsy @Ivsy01
40K Followers 9K Following drinking slurpees in front of 7-eleven with @The_Getawaygirl My thoughts in a box. my tweets 🤦♀️ https://t.co/0g8VMFzt2kDan Duvall @lazerdoov
34K Followers 2K FollowingLittle Greenis @DurtMcHurtt
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23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsndTips for improving concentration: -Make a list of tasks. -Take on one task at a time. -Take On Me was a fun song. -Ooh I found the video.
My neighbor is still having her dinner party outside going strong and it's a Monday night after 10pm.
Pretty sure nothing will cheer me up today. *pulls up covers*
Always good to have an extra champ in the house. @PatrickMahomes @Chiefs #ChiefsKingdom
it was called a codpiece cause that's where our ancestors stored their fish.
People that remind you that there is still good in the world are everything
*living with a ghost* Today, 329 didn’t like that I was watching The Golden Girls, so she threw an ashtray against the wall.
Coffee in bed, listening to the rain. I'll be right here today.
Everybody wants to feel Loved but you have to give to receive, a neighbor, a stranger, whomever, do something nice for somebody today. It won’t hurt you, I promise.
I wore makeup and now my phone refuses to recognise me.
You can't make me happy, you aren't more closet space
The creator of fun size candy bars only wanted us to have a little bit of fun. Just like a drug dealer. They give you a little because they know you'll be back.
Guess who got to pee in a cup today!! Lucky me! ☺️☺️☺️