Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 @Hormonella
My body is not my temple. It's more like my bar and grill. twitter.com/search?q=from%… Stepford 🇺🇸 Joined February 2010-
Tweets48K
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Followers37K
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Following15K
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Likes725K
Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 retweeted
“I’d love to!” ~me, lying
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“Of all the Admirals Clubs in all the towns in all the world, he walks into mine… “ ~ me, staring down a fucking toddler
Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 retweeted
Sometimes you just have to lie on the floor with the dog about it.
Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 retweeted
There should be a hotline people can call if they feel like they might start a podcast.
That kid who always put their hand up first in second grade? Yep, grew up to invent the pop up ad.
Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 retweeted
Might fuck around and start tweeting again
Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 retweeted
Ten days without sweets and I've already blocked 2367 people.
So apparently I joined Twitter 14 years ago today. And I never fucking signed up for X!
Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 retweeted
Saw Trump Tower this morning. On eBay.
Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 retweeted
Why do all the wrong people get all the confidence.
Remember that time he wanted to buy Greenland? Hey, Greenland, have we got a deal for you!
Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 retweeted
I hope Green Day updates the lyrics to Basket Case and Good Riddance next.
Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 retweeted
I can still remember that one New Year's Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor's bushes ten minutes ago.
I’m still writing Twitter on all of my checks!
Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 retweeted
i feel like i’ve been a second mother to you all. like if that mother were an alcoholic distant cousin you only see at the holidays.
If you’re not covered in confectioner’s sugar and sobbing on the floor, is it really Christmas?
Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 retweeted
Be the reason your family doesn’t hold reunions anymore.
Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺 retweeted
Only psychopaths call Twitter "𝕏".
Good morning everyone except people who think their vote doesn’t count.
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I was scared to go there but I went and loved it
I have never been to NYC. Have you?
“Meeting expectations since 1994.”
Here’s the cost of a heart attack and its resulting surgery. PS- This does NOT include charges from either doctor, the helicopter emergency evacuation, six weeks of cardiac rehab, or three months of lost wages.
Found some Favstar trophies at Goodwill.
WIFE: I told you to call a plumber. ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.
If you’re a secret agent, chances are your parents are secret agents too.
Haven’t pulled out of my driveway with anything on the hood of my car in over a week. Is this what having your shit together feels like?
There is nothing in the photo for scale, but suffice it to say this is the biggest frog I’ve ever seen. Well bigger than a softball. According to Google, it’s an American Bullfrog, the largest species of frog in the nation…up to 8 inches long and nearly two lbs. And loud.
[having milk and cookies] I'm the only Hell my momma ever raised
Sometimes I'll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I'll take my business elsewhere.
Trump now petitioning the court for a Sleep Number chair.
Just go for it. You never know, and it could be your big chance.
Protein shake on the porch. Loading up, as rehab starts tomorrow.
A big fuck you to songs with police sirens when you're driving down the highway.
Now that is hilarious honk honk indeed
I found the color she is wearing 😆😆😆 “Goose turd green”
Never stop believing in yourself and the good things that will happen to your life.
Finally getting hair back on my legs. I’m no longer smooth as a Bond-villain cat.
Here's to chapter 41. Rough bday but at least made it to 41
A baby that may be starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
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