michelle @_BurnsWhenIPee
my garbage https://t.co/rAUWYriIyu boston Joined October 2016-
Tweets15K
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Followers15K
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Following4K
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Likes28K
michelle retweeted
It's not a Sunday unless you completely waste it then feel really sad around 8pm
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michelle retweeted
You'd be surprised by how much effort goes into my mediocrity.
michelle retweeted
sorry a man let you down again have you tried letting a follower hit
michelle retweeted
is he hot or is he just funny and weighs over 200 pounds
michelle retweeted
her being nice to you doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to have sex with you bro she likely has far more sinister plans for you
michelle retweeted
i hope us having sex didn’t give you the wrong impression that i like you
michelle retweeted
If I ever have a knee replacement I hope they use flamingo knees so it will be easier to put my socks on.
michelle retweeted
parenting classes should focus less on diapers and more on what to do when you’re sad but still have to pretend to be a tugboat
michelle retweeted
"Dollar Store Thor" is by far the best description of Kevin Sorbo I've found.
michelle retweeted
(being manipulated) Yayyyyyyyy
michelle retweeted
*obligatory sundress tweet*
michelle retweeted
if you too had to suffer a little man with a little penis but a giant ego, you may be entitled to compensation.
michelle retweeted
The speculum, the shoe horn for the pap smear world
michelle retweeted
Not until you return your haircut to its rightful owners, mid-90s power lesbians.
Not until you return your haircut to its rightful owners, mid-90s power lesbians.
michelle retweeted
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like "wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years" and it's like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn't know
michelle retweeted
While sleeping on an air mattress, you will go through every human emotion
michelle retweeted
A boyfriend sounds nice because he’d go home.
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