Max P @DBMaxP

Occasionally wrong, but never in doubt Beneath that giant Exxon sign Joined May 2012

Tweets

19K
Followers

6K
Following

4K
Likes

42K

Trey @treydayway

8 months ago

I'm still calling it the Gulf of Mexico like I'm still calling this Twitter

5K 32K 249K 4.9M 2K

Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric

a year ago

Twitter is my Walmart, I make fun of you but I’m here too.

41 485 4K 119K 46

Whatever_Amy @Whatevah_Amy

a year ago

I managed to gain a pound after my colonoscopy prep in case you were looking for an overachiever.

94 13 712 37K 1

Uncle Bob 🍩 @UncleBob56

a year ago

The first 50 years of childhood are always the hardest.

12 386 1K 66K 32

Trey @treydayway

2 years ago

Things are so bad that everyone is leaning on Elmo for emotional support

24 469 5K 103K 38

Pugnado 🐾🌪 @LuvPug

2 years ago

The cool thing about having a birthday that falls on daylight savings time is I get an extra hour of feeling old

15 34 126 9K 0

Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy

2 years ago

According to this cheese Advent calendar I bought yesterday I guess I should wish everyone Merry Christmas today.

11 138 2K 69K 12

WhatDoYouSay2TheGodOfDeath @NotTodaySuckaaa

3 years ago

At the bar last night, a man got his nipple pierced right in front of me On a side note, I suck at darts

7 27 145 6K 0

Scott Barber @thescottbarber

3 years ago

I’m in a bad place right now. Not mentally, I’m in the mall.

284 359 6K 259K 15

Vαɳҽʂʂα🐤🐣🐥 @DreamsSarcastic

3 years ago

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

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Lindsay @Rollinintheseat

3 years ago

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today. Me: Was it Don Henley?

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🦋ˢᵃˢˢʸ~ℂ🦋 @SassyCruls

6 years ago

Being on Twitter shows that I kinda like people but I just don’t want to be around any.

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Basically Broken @SalorMoon_Shine

4 years ago

I’m so southern I was baptized in gravy

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Lindsay @Rollinintheseat

4 years ago

Person: I have a friend in a wheelchair. Do you know him? Me [from my wheelchair]: The first rule of wheelchair club is that you do not talk about wheelchair club.

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Trey @treydayway

4 years ago

Finally at the stage where doctors say, "at your age..." The end is fucking nigh

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Max P @DBMaxP

4 years ago

Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies are about as healthy as I get for breakfast.

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Emotional Support Cheese @Emotionalcheese

4 years ago

If you wear a mask while driving alone you won’t get car sick

2 52 147 0 0

Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness

4 years ago

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

22 124 686 0 5

Seinfeld Today: Elaine spends six hours in a testing line, Jerry finds his new girlfriend less attractive with a mask off, George attends an anti-vax rally so he can get "super-immunity," and Kramer hoards rapid tests.