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Tweets24K
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Followers32K
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Following684
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Likes434K
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
NASA: you've been selected to spend a year on the space station ME: wow that's awesome NASA: you and your entire family! ME: oh ok no thanks
30 days has September April June and November All the rest have 31 Except January which has 4,000
Signed my kid as an authorized buyer on my Visa card to help build his credit and it only costs me about $300 per month.
Can’t find the body wash and too embarrassed to ask my wife where we keep it again so I’ve been showering with shampoo and now we’re out of shampoo.
People say I'm a terrible father, but when my four year old broke his collar bone, who's the guy that dropped him off at the emergency room?
Parenthood: When you make enough money to live an exciting, comfortable, stress free life, but decide to have kids instead.
Wouldn’t it make more sense to watch what you want on Netflix then cancel and get Max then cancel and get Disney and so on… instead of paying for 7,000,000 shows at the same time.
tv apps cost 15.99 per month then want to charge you 4.99 to watch home alone
Started referring to myself as “us old people” and haven’t received any pushback.
They say motherhood is the hardest job on earth. Not the way I do it.
Husband, day 1 of owning a dog: It’s just a dog. Husband, day 2 of owning a dog: We should give the dog a middle name.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever me: how about a raise? boss: sorry i have to take this call me: your phone isn’t ringing boss: [fakes heart attack]
Approach life with the grotesque zeal of a husband and wife realtor team at a neighborhood mixer.
Is it “I’d rather work at a cemetery” or “in a cemetery” I want my two weeks notice to be perfect.
My son said when he turns 18 he’s eating potato chips and only potato chips for dinner every night which of course brought a tear to my eye.
Trey @treydayway
41K Followers 6K Following *Something profound* - @treydayway https://t.co/c64nfwFO1X
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
Viktor Winetrout @Cpin42
26K Followers 652 Following Creator of @Sorrowscopes & @WeirdCelebTwets https://t.co/fJ5BJjLtIb
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.
FRO VO @fro_vo
42K Followers 1K Following 🦋 @frovo.bsky.social - - TOP TWEETS: https://t.co/NZPHrTUDjC -- Recent Tweets: https://t.co/4WK3dR41F1 -- STORE: https://t.co/YaxNssq5DC
Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
102K Followers 20K Following I’d rather be working on my yard. #envydastrength I retweet regular people. My tweets are here: https://t.co/zOIJ18SHBV
mark @TheCatWhisprer
49K Followers 2K Following Nobody wrote 'stay cool' in my yearbook, the only signer was my math teacher Mr. Johansson and he just wrote 'Mr. Johansson'
dan mentos @DanMentos
88K Followers 652 Following
Ꮍᴀᴇʟ @elle91
24K Followers 341 Following Writer, animal foster person, 69 inches tall. If you let me write for your thing, I'll kiss you right on the head. Venmo/yael91, IG/the.yael
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat
61K Followers 4K Following murder and cake. https://t.co/O1Sm1XVNmo
Grant Tanaka: Honky @GrantTanaka
37K Followers 5K Following Anatomically correct. For the most part.
The Cultured Ruffian @CulturedRuffian
246K Followers 82K Following Instagram: @theculturedruffian Donut Dad Bod. Tweets are mine, videos aren't. https://t.co/hvJ5WZMGRd
Benny 'Bluesky' Rolli.. @citizenkawala
21K Followers 8K Following Australian Jim Morrison | Real person | Dave's mate | 1053 https://t.co/PN73YRdrct
Cathy Sinsabaugh 💕.. @CathySin6
987 Followers 4K Following hi I am christian . I love my family and looking for friends who are supportive of being kind to one another compassion smile 😊
Em Weeks @mandahemweeks
192 Followers 1K Following Love ❤️ Live life ✌️Proceed☮️ Progress🤘 🌋 #ripjw #justice4johnweeks #longlivejw #homicidesurvivor #dtlv #northernaz #truecrime #justiceseeker #advocate
Rodriguez John @Rodriguez143243
30 Followers 455 Following no matter how it is always be a good person
Leo aka 544 Camp Stre.. @leohelmar
121 Followers 382 Following https://t.co/oiIJz12d14 Writer, researcher and internet archaeologist. High control groups, taboos and counterculture.
HunnyHiive @HunnyHiive
293 Followers 1K Following Tasks of Parenting is WILD FYI you're not alone on the journey.
Gussie Van Zandt @GussieVanZandt
35 Followers 141 Following Copywriter but one day I'll finish my novel! 💐
South_Side_Chills @Redlands_101
52 Followers 5K Following
Brian Greene @BrianGr44669587
9K Followers 10K Following Food for thought it only took 12 people to spread the Gospel of Christ around the world. Help Spread the NEWS
BTOY @Btoy196752Btoy
8 Followers 741 Following
VARRIANT MODE @Ash_ShanQity
1K Followers 6K Following Through authentic narrations, we have the power to change things
Cherry Love @CherryLove22281
5 Followers 93 Following
perpetually lost @lostvalley0
2K Followers 3K Following fondling my pains and in relationship with words and my mirror soul https://t.co/pXWlE7Eqsz
Jamhira Jenny @jamhira34
54 Followers 339 Following Can you follow me back like I followed you? We can be friends with each other.💯🙏🇺🇸
Funny Snarky Humor @FUNNYsnarkyJOKE
9K Followers 2K Following I like 2 make light of things 2 brighten up a dark world. #funny #humor #satire #snarky #memes #humour #hilarious
LINK VINA @vinacomms
109 Followers 486 Following This is a story about Vietnamese news and life in Vietnam through the eyes of Korean. I teach Korean in Vietnam. I am a husband who love my wife too much
Samantha Martin @sam1234martin
3 Followers 67 Following
Billy Raul @BillyRaul1976
1K Followers 2K Following No DM’s please. #MAGA #MAGA2024 Trump is the best president in the history of USA 🇺🇸
🥀TheAllomother �.. @Just_overit
1K Followers 1K Following Dendrophile. Sapiophile. Demisexual for good moral character 🔥🔥🔥Neurodivergent.
flying things @trytocare
2K Followers 360 Following hello there person. have a day. butterflies rule.
Barbara Hammond @SpookienSophie
80 Followers 1K Following
Joe Destfino @DestfinoJoe
16 Followers 118 Following
Jim Morgan @ReverendJim66
694 Followers 956 Following Business owner & full time chauffeur/hockey & gymnastics dad. Legend in his own mind
Someone @Someone70537168
76 Followers 854 Following
MX Blake @BlakeV42347988
2K Followers 5K Following Conservative Husband, Father of four, Musician, Sports Player, Down Syndrome Advocate, Truth speaker, Sales Genius! DJT!NoDMS!
LaDonna Humphrey @MelissaWittBook
579 Followers 1K Following True Crime Author. Filmmaker, Podcaster and Executive Director. Cohost of Extinguished and Deep Dark Secrets. Cofounder of True Crime Fest.
Nathan Poirier @NathanPEARTREE
60 Followers 54 Following
곡필모 @gogpilmo82349
39 Followers 2K Following
Lynds Louise @LyndseyDuvall1
263 Followers 1K Following True Crime Loving Canadian 🇨🇦 Come Check out Secret and Sassy Auctions on Fb! Fav YouTube Channels are The Shaming of Jay for live trials & Dreading ♡
sabrina Holmat @RHolmat71420
66 Followers 926 Following I enjoy slow or fast dancing, candlelite dinners, shopping and watching movies, and playing romantic piano for that special person.❤️💨🥰📷✨👋
Elijah @Blueski187
6 Followers 54 Following
TX2024 @usa20242026
1 Followers 1K Following
Varsha Kumari @VarshaK08486725
1 Followers 65 Following
ashaq dar @DarAshaq25540
11 Followers 186 Following
Tw0Gh0stM00ns @Gh0stTw050774
72 Followers 512 Following Proud BRF supporter~ Murdoc and Ace fangirl *obsessed* over 21. Oh, yeah, SNAAAAAAKE!
Angela Wilde @Wildelegs
16 Followers 211 Following
Christopher Young @CYoung6123
140 Followers 1K Following
DMHauk @dmhauk07
165 Followers 1K Following
snap_happy @rachelecibula
23 Followers 521 Following
Victoria lydia🌺�.. @Donovan19140599
425 Followers 5K Following Am looking for a man that will be able to listen to me , communicate his feelings to me ,
iambob4you @iambob4you
984 Followers 5K Following POSITIVE THOUGHTS & ACTIONS, Save HumanityLOVE The World #iambob4you #BeOurBetter #VoteBob2024 #MiraclePresidency #LoveLogic4Lead #PartyOfOne #OurNationEvolves
Trey @treydayway
41K Followers 6K Following *Something profound* - @treydayway https://t.co/c64nfwFO1X
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
Viktor Winetrout @Cpin42
26K Followers 652 Following Creator of @Sorrowscopes & @WeirdCelebTwets https://t.co/fJ5BJjLtIb
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.
FRO VO @fro_vo
42K Followers 1K Following 🦋 @frovo.bsky.social - - TOP TWEETS: https://t.co/NZPHrTUDjC -- Recent Tweets: https://t.co/4WK3dR41F1 -- STORE: https://t.co/YaxNssq5DC
Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
102K Followers 20K Following I’d rather be working on my yard. #envydastrength I retweet regular people. My tweets are here: https://t.co/zOIJ18SHBV
mark @TheCatWhisprer
49K Followers 2K Following Nobody wrote 'stay cool' in my yearbook, the only signer was my math teacher Mr. Johansson and he just wrote 'Mr. Johansson'
dan mentos @DanMentos
88K Followers 652 Following
Ꮍᴀᴇʟ @elle91
24K Followers 341 Following Writer, animal foster person, 69 inches tall. If you let me write for your thing, I'll kiss you right on the head. Venmo/yael91, IG/the.yael
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat
61K Followers 4K Following murder and cake. https://t.co/O1Sm1XVNmo
Grant Tanaka: Honky @GrantTanaka
37K Followers 5K Following Anatomically correct. For the most part.
The Cultured Ruffian @CulturedRuffian
246K Followers 82K Following Instagram: @theculturedruffian Donut Dad Bod. Tweets are mine, videos aren't. https://t.co/hvJ5WZMGRd
Benny 'Bluesky' Rolli.. @citizenkawala
21K Followers 8K Following Australian Jim Morrison | Real person | Dave's mate | 1053 https://t.co/PN73YRdrct
inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa
19K Followers 7K Following Public menace. Bog Witch. Level 58 Trainwreck. Costco Gold Star Member.
Chess.com @chesscom
570K Followers 691 Following The world's largest chess community. Join today! Live coverage: @chess24com ♟️ Support: @chesscomsupport 💚 Community: @GreenPawns 👪
Karen Rogers @karenrogers6abc
42K Followers 4K Following Morning meteorologist for 6abc in Philadelphia - trying to make mornings brighter!!
Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsnd
🍁Graham Kritzer @GrahamKritzer
7K Followers 659 Following Dad | Comedian IG: https://t.co/psofRPKyhx https://t.co/bNYQO5BaSM
Krabb @Krabbkrabboec1
116 Followers 574 Following Cameraman celebrating the supposed authenticity of an ascriptive category since 1988, Round Earther
Allison Chains @nessydyer
2K Followers 4K Following Writer/artist, bastard child since '86, zombie slayer and firecracker. Member of Jean-Claude Van Band (vocals... and everything else....) and dumb blonde broad.
Late to the party Lau.. @ericamorecambe
4K Followers 1K Following I’m not sure that it’s me who’s late or you who is early. On IG with same name. Also https://t.co/JnR26LsGSQ
Mumnipotent Ruler @MumOfTw0
4K Followers 1K Following Mum of 2 under 2 in 2022. Here for the laughs on all things parenting and marriage!
It’s 𝘿𝙖𝙣�.. @HourLongSauce
3K Followers 1K Following Not Diana, not Donna, and especially not Deb | Refuses to eat Chipotle with a metal fork | Awkward AF | SKOL 💜
A Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My posts in this link ⬇️
meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link below
krista pacion @kristabellerina
15K Followers 6K Following Writer; traveler; mom; politico; lover of semi-colons, tea, and coffee. Tweets lovingly handcrafted in small batches.
Mummy Dear @ThatMummyLife
13K Followers 1K Following life, spicy chips, ghosts, history and jokes 🇨🇦 Insta: @ thatmummylifeofficial
Cameron Bradford @camerobradford
25K Followers 979 Following Take my hand, we'll weather this storm together.
uncle mom @mayamanion
14K Followers 7K Following subpar mom, shitty waitress, Columbo aficionado https://t.co/V8Yq5kdfIh
Jeff is Tall @JeffisTallguy
17K Followers 590 Following Father / Video Game enthusiast. I share my brain words to you. Header by @ianpauldukes. Senior Manager of Social Media for @BASILISK_gg
H Anthony Hildebrand @hahildebrand
6K Followers 1K Following Writer and noisemaker. He/him. AKA Dog Swamp Residents Association Also: https://t.co/ARUKCOXwRP… And: https://t.co/XskKccSPII Plus: https://t.co/PZ5Wd8o60w
Car Dealership Guy @GuyDealership
456K Followers 530 Following Transparent insights into the car market. Featured in Apple News and NY Post. Host @CDG_Podcast | Jobs https://t.co/TvUrG7DI0Z | DM submissions
Nate Limit Exceeded @.. @perlhack
22K Followers 6K Following @natesmith.jawns.club homeless pirate. sustainable, carbon-neutral tweets. butterfly whisperer. official soup taster. likes LEGOs BLM. He/Him.
Raw Motherhood @MetteAngerhofer
7K Followers 2K Following Slightly frazzled mother of three. Writer. Not a domestic goddess. Find me on Instagram: https://t.co/WkCmZXMf6U
Worst Cass Scenario @WorstCassie
17K Followers 8K Following I don't know why Girls Gone Mild never took off.
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz
80K Followers 927 Following Send me your address so I can visit you and explain my passions
Megan Amram @meganamram
1.0M Followers 4K Following it's this weird, sexual, anti-comedy comedy that's 'in' right now. - my mom
🌺Tita🍍🌈✊�.. @VTTPacificTita
8K Followers 850 Following ✨Will fk your Dad and make you my step kid✨ Deleted at 26k 🥺 USNavyCombatVet. MBA. AutismMom. Irreverent AF. https://t.co/DSfa9OImya
Kate’s Fate @katvonwitt
9K Followers 2K Following I bake a lot of banana bread. Mutuals @katvonwitty
Ted Bird @manofbird
11K Followers 2K Following Podcaster with the Pantelis Comedy Network. Co-host on Standing By: The Terry and Ted Podcast & The Morning Show Podcast. A poor man’s Danny Bonaduce. #🟦
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6
Michael Smerconish @smerconish
241K Followers 3K Following SiriusXM POTUS Channel 124 9am-12 ET daily, Encore 9pm-12 ET. CNN Saturdays 9am ET. https://t.co/skTNHiaJtB
John Fetterman @JohnFetterman
934K Followers 5K Following Dad, husband to @GiseleFetterman, and Senator for the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. 🇺🇸
Jay @theshamingofjay
11K Followers 3K Following Court jester "Foul Mouthed True Crime Guy From Up North" I livestream trials on YouTube & Kick. Just a moron yelling at a screen. #teambidet
@AlexNevilAgain @AlexNevilAgain
1K Followers 1K Following I am Elon Musk. You don’t need to parody me. I’m obviously perfectly capable of doing it myself.
👛Handbaglvr👛 @UKWildcatgal
11K Followers 10K Following Female chauvinist. Publicist to 4 cats & 3 dogs. Car enthusiast. Tell your therapist, not me. Put away the questionnaire; I'm not applying. #BBN #F1 #BlueSky
ThisOneSays @ThisOneSayz
19K Followers 5K Following Winging this life. Check back for no helpful tips whatsoever. https://t.co/8mX27QK6yN
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezbur
threetimedaddy @threetimedaddy
14K Followers 2K FollowingIs it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING? Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Don't tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Pro tip, meal prepping is a great way to ensure that you always have food that is cold, a little old, and not what you’re in the mood for
My newsfeed is like Oh, you like nature? Well, here’s a horrible story.
Anyone: hey do you want to- Me: screams like a goat
This is my emotional support camel. He wears sunglasses and smokes cigarettes when I cannot.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I’m pretty sure the Girl Scout who sold me these cookies misrepresented the joy they would bring me.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
There are certain math classes that can take out a whole family in a single school year.
Fact: Michael Cohen served time for crimes that Trump committed.
Pennsylvanians rely on safe, clean, and on-time public transit — so my budget invests $1.5 billion over the next 5 years in our public transit systems. Let’s work together to make this investment so we can grow our economy and create real opportunity all across our Commonwealth.
I invented a new kind of oxygen water that you don’t even have to drink $8
The good thing about when children get a bit older is that you only have to get up 3 times during a meal.
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