Broken Puppet @java_assassin
Unapologetically Semipresent Idiot Savant (like 1% Savant...) (crouton/seasoned cracker) minimally melanated mom person Twitter.com/search?q=from%… Texas, USA Joined May 2014-
Tweets41K
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Followers7K
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Following2K
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Likes100K
Broken Puppet retweeted
Sometimes I feel young, and then I remember the number we’d call to get the correct time to set our clocks
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Broken Puppet retweeted
Hear me out: a doorknob that gently tazes your child if they try to leave their room before 7am
Broken Puppet retweeted
Doctor: And are you sexually active? Me: These days I'm more sexually hopeful
Broken Puppet retweeted
When someone tells me I’m gaslighting them I set them on fire.
Broken Puppet retweeted
Office rock bands don't practice... They just have printer jams
Broken Puppet retweeted
Instead of "single" as a marital status, it should read "independently owned and operated"
Broken Puppet retweeted
Might go to Costco and fill my cart with a bunch of toilet paper and watch others do the same I vow to single handedly cause another toilet paper shortage
Broken Puppet retweeted
Nobody asks a rhetorical question better than the server at a Mexican restaurant asking if you’d like a refill on the chips.
Broken Puppet retweeted
How lucky I might be if your eyes gazed upon me and you decided I was worthy.
Broken Puppet retweeted
Clint Eastwood acting all tough like a steak that wasn’t cut into small enough pieces can’t take him out
Broken Puppet retweeted
Based on my dating history, I have a red flag deficiency.
Broken Puppet retweeted
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Broken Puppet retweeted
They've officially canceled school for tomorrow because of snow but we aren't telling the kids because why ruin an early bedtime?
Broken Puppet retweeted
Keep your hands to yourself lady, I invited you over to craft and that's what we're going to do.
Broken Puppet retweeted
Introverts wear glasses to avoid eye contacts
Broken Puppet retweeted
You keep asking where the devil is like you haven’t even looked in the details.
Broken Puppet retweeted
Let's make it 8, I have a conference call with my demons at 7.
Broken Puppet retweeted
You’re the human version of boiled egg farts.
Broken Puppet retweeted
My toxic trait is never being able to pick the right size of tupperware for leftovers, it's usually way too big. You know what men are like estimating the sizes of things.
Broken Puppet retweeted
Guys, if you can't ejaculate very far, it's okay, don't dwell on your shortcomings.
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Ashish Yadav Yaduvans.. @AshishYada26217
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Village Person @SvnSxty
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14K Followers 699 Following If you take a little sexiness and divide it by some coolness add a tad craziness and subtract a little weirdness it will equal to my awesomeness
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Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
When people don’t get my reference to The Princess Bride, I send them back to where they were. Unemployed, in Greenland.
Sometimes I feel young, and then I remember the number we’d call to get the correct time to set our clocks
A version of "We Didn't Start the Fire" but it's just Billy Joel listing things in the house my dog has eaten or destroyed.
Live this day as if it is your last...And if it turns out it isn't, make many apologies tomorrow.
if she’s never answered a landline before she’s too young for you bro.
Gonna start tilting my head like a dog when my boss talks to me.
If i am ever murdered..just know I ran my mouth to bitter end
well well well if it isn’t the task i put off on friday to do on monday that now needs to be done
Hear me out: a doorknob that gently tazes your child if they try to leave their room before 7am
It’s here!! I finally got to see my writing, bound in a gorgeous book cover (photographed by a friend), printed on beautiful cream paper. I am SO excited to hold this in my hands.
Doctor: And are you sexually active? Me: These days I'm more sexually hopeful
When someone tells me I’m gaslighting them I set them on fire.
My phone told me that my screen time was up by 36%. Do they know what happens to snitches. And who are they actually telling? I think I know how long I've been on my phone.
Office rock bands don't practice... They just have printer jams
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