Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ @Cafeinated_Dad
🇳🇿 Considered a funny parent by @HuffPost @boredpanda and @TODAYshow Considered kinda funny but mostly painful by my kids. twitter.com/search?q=from%… Joined June 2015-
Tweets52K
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Followers7K
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Following4K
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Likes87K
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
You're not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
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Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
I don’t need to go skating, I can look ungraceful right here.
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
My 5-year-old is running around the house absolutely incredulous about how Muppet Babies Kermit is dressed and grownup Kermit is “COMPWETELY NEKKID.”
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
There is no such thing as fur babies. You are not a fur mommy. You own a dog.
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
Some of you should try opening your minds before you open Twitter.
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
Nothing says due diligence like checking your kid for a fever with all 26 thermometers you own.
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
I caught the scent of ditto ink and the only explanation is it was the spirit of Mrs. K, the elementary school secretary. RIP.
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
My 6yo just ripped a gnarly fart, asked me if I was ok and casually walked off like nothing happened.
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
When my 6yo told me he liked my old man hair I had to ask what he meant and he was like “you know, those really long squiggly ones at the end of your eyebrow” so there’s that.
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
The sexual tension between me and my coffee as I stir in the creamer… slowly…
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
Single guys group chat: "Where da party at this weekend?" Dads group chat: "That frozen cauliflower crust pizza from Costco is da bomb".
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
I’m at the combination Sweetie Pie Store and Honey Bear Hut and they accepted a picture of you as payment.
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
Having nightmares in my sleep when I was young consisted of being chased by monsters and murderers. Now in my 40s they're about receiving an unusually high water or electric bill.
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
If you’ve never had your whole life flash before your eyes I highly recommend taxi rides in Europe.
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
When Shrek gets angry, it’s often just an Ogreaction
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
Who called them ex-girlfriends and not yesterbaes.
I need more beers and bonfires on the beach in my life
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
A burning desire to fake my own death and start over as a mysterious but respected bartender in a coastal New England town
A burning desire to fake my own death and start over as a mysterious but respected bartender in a coastal New England town
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
It’s mirth on Earth Day for those who celebrate.
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ retweeted
[Wife comes home from hair salon] Me: Your hair looks great! Did you also change the color? 9yo [From her bedroom upstairs]: OMG! She got her eyebrows done!
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Nick Newman 🇺🇸�.. @nicknewman801
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🚨 Katherine Brodsk.. @mysteriouskat
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Ryan Long @ryanlongcomedy
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strawberry potcake @supremelystoned
66 Followers 317 Following 30s, high, indifferent, my guts hurt always
What did you look like in 2013?
It’s hard to believe my Dad has been gone for 2 years today. It was the beginning of the worst year of my life. My Mom passed 6 weeks later. I miss him so much and I think about him every single day. I wish I could have just one more hug. He gave the best hugs.♥️
You're not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I don’t need to go skating, I can look ungraceful right here.
Just called into Woolworths and as I waited at self serve, this guy, full trolley and face mask, walks past the queue, past everyone at the checkouts and out the store with a full to the brim trolley of groceries …👀
My 5-year-old is running around the house absolutely incredulous about how Muppet Babies Kermit is dressed and grownup Kermit is “COMPWETELY NEKKID.”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
There is no such thing as fur babies. You are not a fur mommy. You own a dog.
when everyone said you weren't fit for me i affirmed your face
Some of you should try opening your minds before you open Twitter.
Nothing says due diligence like checking your kid for a fever with all 26 thermometers you own.
I caught the scent of ditto ink and the only explanation is it was the spirit of Mrs. K, the elementary school secretary. RIP.
My 6yo just ripped a gnarly fart, asked me if I was ok and casually walked off like nothing happened.
When my 6yo told me he liked my old man hair I had to ask what he meant and he was like “you know, those really long squiggly ones at the end of your eyebrow” so there’s that.
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