Not the Nanny @not_thenanny
Mother and Wife | Joker and Beer-Drinker | Runner and Cheetos-Eater | Snarky and Loving | Slightly Sweary | Come for the laughs, stay for the support twitter.com/search/from:no… Joined October 2019-
Tweets13K
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Followers8K
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Following699
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Likes21K
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder. My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Kid suddenly stopped being happy when he learned that his dad's team had conceded a goal. 😂😂
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip— cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
My dreams as an adult are so lame. Last night, I dreamt that I found the perfect, collapsible, cheap little stool to keep in all my closets so I could reach the highest shelves. I walked around my house putting a stool in each closet, I was so happy. 🥹
Our 6YO: (walks into the room and smiles) My Husband: (smiles back) Our 6YO: I wasn’t smiling at you, I was thinking about something else
Tween: ugh, you and dad are the cringiest Me: when you were potty training you had me line up your stuffed animals to watch you poop
Husbands be like, “I’m gonna nap in this room that everyone uses and then act grumpy when everyone uses it.”
Can't enjoy haiku Until I do the counting Trust but verify
Fitted sheet being taken out of the dryer like “I have a secret :)” and the secret is your wet laundry wound up in it
these celebrity partnerships are getting out of hand
My favorite thing about my 6YO is her uncanny ability to make you feel special while roasting you. My husband was out of town and when he came back, she told him “I was missing you so much, I cuddled my gray beanie cuz it reminds me of your hair.”
Looking at myself through my phone’s selfie camera wondering how it got set to an aging filter and then realizing, nope that’s just me
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will eat her feet, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me to my daughter: it’s important to be direct about your feelings and have open and honest communication. Me to my husband: if you don’t understand why I’m upset, I’m not going to explain it to you.
5YO: I’m sooooo hungry Me: I can make dinner early 5YO: No thanks, I was just trying to get extra snacks
“Bad Habits” I’m NOT giving up in 2024: ✔️ Drinking beer more than once a week ✔️ Eating Nutella by the spoonfuls straight out of the jar ✔️ Screen-time in bed at night ✔️ Drinking too much coffee ✔️Ordering take-out when we have food What about you?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezbur
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6
Marcy G @BunAndLeggings
51K Followers 2K Following parenthood is like a box of chocolates... it's expensive
Adam @adamgreattweet
63K Followers 3K Following Resident physician as seen on Buzzfeed and TV, RTd by Barack Obama. He/Him
Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal
136K Followers 2K Following Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM. https://t.co/jv3VQ5CW4O
Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
66K Followers 9K Following divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/0FDtG6xK4t | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/t7dCbYmwgu
Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad
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@itssherifield @itssherifield
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I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇
mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 942 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohj
Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4
116K Followers 6K Following I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids. https://t.co/m6TcvYNqfm
NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*
your other mom @difficultpatty
37K Followers 970 Following Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. https://t.co/sVPCoTC4Pw
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Amanda Cabral @amandavcabral
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Edith @Evadne44427
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PilotMedic ✈️🇺.. @pilot68W
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Parenting Unscripted @ParentUnscriptd
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liberal idaho native .. @ChelsieGiesler
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TenderWipes @TenderWipesUSA
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Heleen Kist_ author @hkist
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Sheri 🇨🇦🫎�.. @NotsoScarySheri
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CBrass @Bmunky84
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tje @tjeviperrules
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Brittani Dea @brittani_deaof
194 Followers 76 Following Canadian🇨🇦 Onlyfans Link is below. I message you on there faster than anywhere.🩵🤍 you definitely don’t wanna miss out on my spicy content 🌶️🥵
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Wendy B 🇺🇦 @wdbowkett
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if you see this accou.. @zillennialrat
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Reality Enthusiast @RealityEnthusi2
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Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
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Simon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
The Dad @thedad
142K Followers 591 Following Welcome to the club. 🔥 https://t.co/E3irT7D7mM 🏆 https://t.co/EFPhC0SEeE 🎮 @thedadgaming
That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6
Marcy G @BunAndLeggings
51K Followers 2K Following parenthood is like a box of chocolates... it's expensive
Adam @adamgreattweet
63K Followers 3K Following Resident physician as seen on Buzzfeed and TV, RTd by Barack Obama. He/Him
Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal
59K Followers 986 Following Wife of a guy. Mother to spawns. Sugar glider in my bra. Parenting cautionary tale. (she/her)
Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal
136K Followers 2K Following Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM. https://t.co/jv3VQ5CW4O
Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
66K Followers 9K Following divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/0FDtG6xK4t | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/t7dCbYmwgu
Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad
15K Followers 974 Following Husband. Dad. Co-creator of 2 cool kids. I write fun stories about the shenanigans I experience as a parent!
@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfK
I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇
mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
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Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4
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Reality Enthusiast @RealityEnthusi2
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Megyn Kelly @megynkelly
3.0M Followers 3K Following Happily married to Doug, crazy in love with my children Yates, Yardley, and Thatcher, journalist.
Lisa Schader, CPA @MoneyFitMoms
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1.4M Followers 21K Following Unfiltered Unbiased Verified 24x7 Breaking News | NO BIAS, NO ECHO CHAMBERS: Host of the Largest Show on 𝕏 | Founder & Investor
Nate Silver @NateSilver538
3.4M Followers 2K Following New Book, On The Edge, August 13: https://t.co/WeCLEOd4Be
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9K Followers 2K Following I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. https://t.co/bbtLUiYKKg Find more of my tweets here ⬇️
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Parenting Presently (.. @presentparent_
2K Followers 512 Following Best parenting hack = laughter | As seen on @BuzzFeed @HuffPost & more | 🐦 Greatest hits ⬇️
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1.9M Followers 4K Following Author of INSANE CLOWN PRESIDENT, I CAN’T BREATHE, SPANKING THE DONKEY, and SMELLS LIKE DEAD ELEPHANTS
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137K Followers 9K Following Writing on Substack. Author https://t.co/XpCqfzGhUI. Tips accepted here: https://t.co/yOYgoS3FtN…
Mullet Matthew @MattyBoySwag143
8K Followers 1K Following Politics and Economics undergrad | wasian | Mullet monarch | ca-caw 🦅
The Heretical Liberal.. @Rob_ThaBuilder
28K Followers 10K Following 🎶 Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am: stuck in the middle with you 🎶 --Dad, Afghan vet, atheist, leftist, GC af.
MSS 🧦 @MySoxSummer
6K Followers 4K Following 108 OG / https://t.co/v6ped019IX #108ing #BaseballBeerBullshit #WaveSux #SoChoice
Mumnipotent Ruler @MumOfTw0
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The Kids Are Not On F.. @KidsArentOnFire
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60K Followers 3 Following if i'm in your mentions, you need your phone taken away | pronouns: uh/oh
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156K Followers 7K Following Writer, author, CNN columnist, recovering lawyer, and yogi. I write about women's rights, US politics, and foreign affairs
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Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
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210 Followers 216 Following MD from LSU-Shreveport, Former Resident @UPMCUrology @SUOFellow @UrologyMSK!
Bryant Holmes @Pocketfullofsto
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Lottie-pop 🍭 @Lottie_Poppie
28K Followers 3K Following Tattooed mum & coffee enthusiast. Living life from one snack to the next.
thepigeonandthepeacoc.. @bestmomhack
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🍁Graham Kritzer @GrahamKritzer
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My Life Is The Pitts .. @LifePitts
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Matthew Yglesias @mattyglesias
542K Followers 2K Following Slow Boring, cohosting https://t.co/wxUj3JFSFf, Bloomberg columnist
KJ @IDontSpeakWhine
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Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
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Coddled affluent prof.. @feelsdesperate
31K Followers 4K Following Superfluous elite, center-right Foucault curious, anti Med Twitter, expansive liberatory agenda, overbroad definition of fascist
Caitlin Flanagan @CaitlinPacific
103K Followers 1K Following Thought Crimes for All Occasions. No Charge.
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Youradhdmom @youradhdmom
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kidversations @kidversations_
6K Followers 474 Following Conversations with Kids https://t.co/eOgLeX9U7M
Shit I tell my toddle.. @Toddler_talkin
2K Followers 955 Following A succinct collection of ridiculous things I never thought I’d have to say to my 4 kids 4 and under. 👧👧👧👶
A lot of people on here are making fun of Taylor Swift's lyrics without hearing them in the proper context: inside the Starbucks that is inside Target.
No one: My cat at 4:12 am: These curtains are stupid, I’m taking them down
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
@not_thenanny I'm 100% sure this exact scenario happened in my house earlier this fall.
Kid suddenly stopped being happy when he learned that his dad's team had conceded a goal. 😂😂
@TheFigen_ Best magic trick ever....❤️😂
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
PSA Under no circumstances should you be talking on speaker phone or FaceTiming in a public space.
Dear 6u little league coaches, You can just cancel practice when it rains, you don’t need to rent an indoor batting cage and make everyone drive there. Sincerely, All parents.
You’ve asked me several questions on this thread and accused me of avoiding answering, so here goes. I believe a woman is a human being who belongs to the sex class that produces large gametes. It’s irrelevant whether or not her gametes have ever been fertilised, whether or not…
Is there an award for actually keeping the first dentist appt you scheduled instead of canceling/rescheduling 2-3 times? Asking for a friend.
How come it’s “highlighted” and not “highlit”?
I'm so exhausted. Am I dying or is this just what it feels like when you have a toddler in your FORTIES?
Instead of an Easter egg hunt this year, I'm having my kids find where they put my scissors, my favorite pen, my ear buds, my charger, and all the spoons. Also, they need to find where I put all the Easter candy I bought because I can't remember.
You’re clearly confused, Clay. Hope this helps. The headline was terrible for several reasons. One: I’m not a conservative and have never claimed to be, not even on that podcast where Sunny hallucinated that she heard it. Two: my race should be totally irrelevant. The truth…
Coleman Hughes calls for a colorblind society but this NYT headline says he's a "BLACK conservative"... he's getting press and because he is BLACK calling for colorblindness. Why is his race mentioned? Shouldn't he denounce any mention of his race? #TheView Grift on?
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor* My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner? Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I'm convinced every woman's love language is not having to ask.
Him: Let’s watch a movie Me: ok Him: *snoring 2 minutes in* Me: *changes channel* Him: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I’M WATCHING THAT! Repeat for the rest of your life.
everyone deleting their Kate Middleton conspiracy theories
Me, explaining the children’s museum to my friend who doesn’t have kids: they have a miniature grocery store with kid-sized grocery carts, a bank, and a doctor's office My friend: so basically they do all the things I don’t want to do…for fun? Me: exactly
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